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Woman asks if she was wrong to snap at husband for making jokes about his affair.

Woman asks if she was wrong to snap at husband for making jokes about his affair.


In an anonymous post on our AITA Facebook page a married woman whose husband had cheated asked for advice after he started joking about his affair. Sometimes it's good to use humor to defuse a tense situation. And sometimes it's really disrespectful. Here's her story where you decide who's the AH, who's NTA or if EHS...

Some history.

Before I go into this, I want to make it perfectly clear that I love my husband, and he loves me. We've been together almost 10 years and I've had a lot of ups and downs, way more UPS than Downs but the downs are pretty big. I've been contemplating life without him and if it would just be easier.

The affair.

Last August (a year ago) he decided to have an affair with a co-worker. I found out on Thanksgiving Day the severity of what actually happened. We hadn't been close in a long time, I was in a very dark depression and he just didn't know how to handle a lot of it.

The affair itself was about a week long, and they only had relations a couple of times. Some of those relations happened at his workplace. After everything came out a lot of his co-workers had found out about it.

Rebuidling and repair.

I'll save all the little details, but one of the important things is that we've worked very hard this last year to work on our relationship and to relearn each other's Love language. We've been doing very well and have gotten so much closer, honestly better than we ever have.

I still struggle a lot with everything, as well as him. He has shown remorse and has worked a very hard to prove that this is where he wants to be.

The current problem.

A few weeks ago he was offered a job that pays more money is very family-oriented. I had an issue with this from the beginning because it's the same people you worked with when the affair happened. NOT THE PERSON IT WAS WITH.

I had a lot of anxiety around him accepting this job knowing that these people were there when all of this took place. We worked through that, and I'm trying not to let it get to me.

And it gets worse.

Now he's mentioned an office manager that works there who's good friends with his bosses wife, this female is his type and so now my anxiety has gotten worse.

The reason for this drawn out post though is that he had made a comment about how his boss is making comments to him jokingly about the affair. I snapped and lost my mind over it because I feel it was disrespectful and hurtful.

It also tells me that this group of people in my opinion have no respect for our relationship, and that it's okay to joke around about something that almost ruined our marriage. It also tells me that with these other new people that he's getting to know, now know that he had an affair. I think it's unnecessary to even have a discussion about it.

The question.

And he just brings it up as it's guy talk in the shop? Am I actually over reacting, and being an AH about it, or am I justified for being pissed off?

I want to make it clear that my husband has not giving me any reason to think that I'm being overdramatic or anything along those lines, but I feel like this is a conversation that's going to be brought up again and I want to make sure that I don't turn into the AH I guess!!!

Some of the top comments.

-ES thinks she's more worried about protecting her husband than herself.

You seem very interested in protecting your husband from our opinions, but he doesn't seem very interested in protecting your relationship from the hurt he caused.

If people are making jokes about this affair in the office and he isn't absolutely shutting down that kind of talk (and then telling you about it? What's that?), or frankly, looking for another job, he isn't respecting your relationship. As far as this office manager that's 'his type'. Did he tell you this, or is this something you've gleaned from his description of her?

Either way, there's going to be 'office managers' throughout his whole life, if you don't trust him, there is no hope for your marriage. Trust is THE HARDEST thing to rebuild. He's doing a shitty job of it apparently.

- CG thinks it's time to dump his A.

To be perfectly blunt, I don't understand why you're still there with him. He cheated. That's clearly unforgivable, even for you, because you haven't and probably can't move on. The trust is gone, and your marriage is never going to be the same. I'd just leave.

- JA has a list of problems with the husband.

A loving husband wouldn’t have had an affair A loving husband would have shut down any discussion of the affair with his boss. A loving husband wouldn’t have shared this info with you.

- JC has sympathy, compassion, and advice

You’re NTA, but I think that you’re still in a very insecure place and I understand that.

Do you in your heart of hearts believe that this can be healed and you can be whole in this relationship again? If you don’t, then I think things are sadly over. It’s impossible to live indefinitely looking over your shoulder. That’s a stressful life.

I would say that I feel weird about him telling you that these jokes have been happening though. Like his colleagues are very inappropriate here, but this could have been handled with him saying that it’s a painful thing that he doesn’t want to talk about or be brought up in the office and then left it there without worrying you about it.

So that's the story. What would you do?

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