Husband refuses vasectomy after wife's brush with death during birth. + Update
"Husband won’t get a vasectomy and it’s tearing us apart — how do we make this work?"
ThrowRAptsdvasectomy
I’ve never actually posted on Reddit before but here it goes. We have just had twins, we knew we had only wanted one, but instead we got two…and I nearly died in childbirth. It was extremely traumatic.
I’m an now in weekly therapy for postnatal ptsd and ppd. I also have physical therapy from torn abdominal muscles from the pregnancy and much more. I love my girls, but it’s been very hard.
For the last 5 months I have asked my husband if he would get a vasectomy. I cannot get hormonal birth control (health reasons) and just the idea of getting anything inserted now, due to the trauma literally makes me vomit. I am given laughing gas and anxiety meds just to get checkups now.
My husband’s responds has been ‘I will, later’ …until two days ago when I asked him and he yelled that he would ‘never get it done’. We have not been intimate since the birth.
I asked him why, and he didn’t have an answer and just told me to drop it. I told him we wouldn’t be intimate with him again then, and he just looked at me flabbergasted. I’ve moved to the guest bedroom, because he’s been ‘flirting’ and trying to initiate intact with me since I said this.
Honestly, it’s his body, but I’m not sure I can stay with him when he clearly has no care or appreciation for what my body or my mental state did to bringing our children into this world—I love him but this really feels like a failing in his love for me and I’m not sure I can forgive him for it.
How do I explain to him that the idea of him simply being able to get me pregnant again makes my skin crawl and nausea that nearly chokes me, that sometimes when he touches me, as much as I enjoy it, it gives me goosebumps…and not in a good way.
This isn’t going away any time soon. Maybe the ppd will fade, but the ptsd is something I will likely be working through with my therapist for years. How do I explain this to him? How to I rectify our relationship with this if we can’t be intimate? Is this even worth attempting to rectify, because to me it really feels like he doesn’t care about me since I constantly makes it clear that he doesn’t want any more kids.
EDIT: (I was told to add this to my post) I cannot mentally or physically/medically have any invasive surgical contraceptive procedures done in the near or foreseeable future as stated by multiple obgyns.
No, I am no going to go any more into depth on my medical history or why. Yes, my husband knows this and have heard this stated by my doctors. I have also had a traumatic incident prior to the birth of my twins with a copper iud that needed to be removed surgically.
He will not go to therapy. His parents were therapist and it has left him with a bad taste for therapy. He refuses. I wasn’t forcing him. I was begging him. For empathy over what I did and gave up to bring our children into this world. For a show of caring, for the trauma it left me. And to know that he would be there for me in sickness and in health.
He has stated so many times that he does not want more children. Even that we ‘have one too many’ now. I’m also not ‘punishing him by withholding intimacy’ clearly do not understand ptsd…or most importantly, that my body isn’t his, and he does not have a right to be intimate with me. I cannot withhold something that is no his.
I’m going to take some time away from my husband, because honestly reading these responses have not given me any more insight into why he would be willing to risk my health and mental state to avoid a vasectomy—when I know if the situations were reversed, I would do that for him. And frankly HAVE.
When I attempted to get a copper IUD because he didn’t like the feeling over protection early on in our relationship, even though I was scared…and it left me passed out on the floor of the doctor's office from pain. And then two days later in the emergency room because it had done damage and I was bleeding excessively.
This isn’t the man I married, or I didn’t think it was. Otherwise I would have never risked all that I did for him, or given all these years to him. And to all the men here telling me that him getting a vasectomy won’t help and saying that, if I leave him, I’d never find anyone who would take me. Thanks. I’m bi, and I certainly would never date a man again.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
PeteyPorkchops
No you can’t force him to get any procedure, but you have a plethora of reasons why you can’t afford to be pregnant again and he refused and you’ve done your due diligence in making sure another accident doesn’t happen by abstaining.
Don’t give in and ask for counseling to at least maybe a professional can make him see why it would be easier for him to have that procedure vs re-traumatizing you again. If he doesn’t want to do it then you’re at a crossroads of “is this the person I want to be with?” And can a loveless relationship survive.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRAptsdvasectomy
He won’t do counselling. His parents are therapists and he hates them.
knittedjedi
And that's another red flag to add to the red flag pile.
debbie_88
Oh man OP, I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. I can’t imagine. That is still my worst nightmare. I was so scared of labor and even though it didn’t go horribly I was still wrecked after it. I don’t know how women who’ve gone through what you’ve gone through manage.
I don’t have much advice for your situation but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. The only thing I’ll say is maybe ask him to come to your therapy session so he can hear how you’re feeling. Like, he’s not going to therapy, just going to support you. Might help him understand what you’ve been through and have a little more empathy.
Knittingfairy09113
You should tell him that you cried the entire time you've had intimacy since the babies were born. He needs to know how much this is affecting you. Plainly tell him that you can't emotionally handle an invasive procedure after almost dying giving birth and the very idea of intercourse with any chance of pregnancy makes you ill.
Add that while a vasectomy is 100% his choice it is your choice not to have intimacy without one. I'm so sorry the empathetic man you married seems to have disappeared.
Nine months later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: My (30f) husband (30m) won’t get a vasectomy and it’s taring us apart — how do we make this work?"
ThrowRAptsdvasectomy
We are weeks from our official divorce. It was a deal breaker for and a lack of care for my personal and mental well-being a new a disrespect towards what I’d given up to have our children.
I couldn’t get over it. He kept trying to pretend it wasn’t as bad as it was, but inevitably much like you all said, it was his choice. And this was mine. I am unfortunately considering filing some sort a restraining order however as he had been making accounts to ‘talk sense into me’ through most of my socials.
I actually hadn’t reread my post in a year and got to the end and had a good laugh, I am actually currently dating a lovely woman. It’s only been a few weeks but we knew each other her from college, and just reconnected a month ago.
It’s going very slow, I have twins but she’s been a saint honestly, to come back to my posts topic, It is lifechanging for my stress to know that she cannot get me pregnant, not that we been very intimate yet.
Anyway, not sure anyone cares but there it is. I’m in a much better place than I was, I feel better. My twins are happy. And we’ve been co-parenting decently well other than the social media thing.
I think I'm going to step away now. But my advice. Don't let your partners use you as a humam shield for all the physical reproccussions of reproduction. Partnership is a give and take of equal sacrifices, and that’s not the case if he is all to comfortable for you to be the only one taking on the physical sacrifice.
We do enough bringing children into the world. Your not expecting too much for him to be willing to take the same risks he expects of you. I’m happy and healthy, my twins are happy and healthy, thanks for all your well wishes.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
UnusualPotato1515
What’s better than being with a man who wont get a vasectomy?! Being with a woman who can never get you pregnant! Well played, OP!
Im happy to hear youre in a better place & happier! ❤️
Natural_Garbage7674
My best friend's cousin (I'll call her Beth) begged her husband to get a vasectomy after her traumatic pregnancy/birth. Her doctors literally sat her husband down and told him that getting pregnant again would kill her. He wouldn't do it.
Eventually, after much begging and fighting and threatening they both finally ended up in therapy, both individually and as a couple. After a few weeks the therapist convinced him to tell Beth why. Basically? "What if I want more children?"
There was zero reasoning with him. He couldn't understand that he was basically saying "What if I want to cheat on Beth, or leave her, to have more kids?" And when she left him, he couldn't understand that it was because she wasn't willing to face death so he could have kids with another woman.
500CatsTypingStuff
PSA: If you are a woman and considering getting your tubes tied, don’t. Get them removed instead. Why? Because they now believe that a significant amount of ovarian cancer start in the fallopian tubes. I have stage IV fallopian tube cancer (I usually just call it ovarian cancer because that is how it understood).
Ovarian/fallopian tube cancer is one of those asymptomatic cancers that is usually not detected until late stages, 3 or 4. Reduce your chances of contracting this cancer by having your tubes removed instead of tied.
fjsjahshfjshabxjsn
Can we talk about how she was literally crying during their last intimate encounter and he either didn’t know or care?? Anyway, as a man, I think there are very very very few good reasons for not agreeing to a vasectomy in this situation. Like you had an abusive urologist in the past or something.
Tis_But_A_Scratch-
This can’t be stated enough: “don’t let your partners use you as a human shield” for the repercussions of reproduction. Men can’t give birth and since it doesn’t involve them pushing a watermelon out of a cheerio, it’s not their monkey and not their circus.
This was a marriage. OP went through absolute horror and the trauma of it… if a partner can’t do something small like a snip, they’re not a very good partner. Part of it is that OP brushed aside flags early in the relationship… this man not wanting to wear protection and expecting her to have an invasive procedure.