'My husband said if he had to, he'd choose the dogs' lives over mine. BAD UPDATE'
"My husband said if he had to, he'd choose the dogs' lives over mine."
My husband is watching 2 (out of 4) of his parents golden retrievers during Christmas. So 2 of them are here at our apartment. They are old and sweet and one of them can barely walk. I’ve always loved his parents dogs, and I love on them when they are here.
The other night, though, he let me know that it is priority that the dogs (well mainly one dog since the other can’t get on there) get to sleep on the bed and I’ll either need to sleep on the guest bed or move my legs for the dog.
I asked why they couldn’t sleep on the guest bed or floor or literally anywhere else. He said because they are used to always sleeping with him. (He was single and living with his parents until he met me at age 34, so the dogs slept on his bed highly and were his rock. We got married last February and he left the dogs at his parents.)
It’s a queen bed and the golden is huge, so he takes up most of it. He also won’t move when gently pushed, and like to place himself in the middle of the complete left side of the bed. My husband told me not to make him move or shove him, but to work around him. When I gently laid my leg on TOP of the dog, he said it was too heavy for the dog. (I’m thin and my leg is very light.)
Mind you, my husband hen got to sleep stretched out on his bed. The first morning I woke up on my side wanting to die. The dogs massive weight had contorted the bed in just enough of a way to bend my back backwards and make me think I was literally having a double kidney infection. I must have slept in a semi back bend position all night.
Last night I asked him to switch places with me, and he did so to prove a point. 5 minutes after laying on the gravity inducing sinking hole of the dogs half of the bed, my husband whales in pain like something sharp had stabbed him in the back. He changed positions but i insisted he sleep on the dogs side with the dog because i was so sore.
Before we went to sleep, I was listening to him whisper sweet nothings to the dogs. I’m not the weird jealous type over dogs. I grew up with 2 goldens and a shih tzu and I truly adore dogs. But he wouldn’t even touch me when they are around.
They 100% fill his emotional cup. Sometimes we will be out at a restaurant or something and he’ll stare off with teary eyes. When I ask what’s up, he says he misses his dogs. Multiple times I will ask him what he’s in deep thought about, and he says his dogs.
I asked him if he wanted to snuggle and he said no. He kept making comments about how he’s sad his dogs don’t have more room. I’ve noticed I’ve had this increasing awareness that he might 100% value his dogs more than me. I explained this away to myself as being logical as we’ve only been married since February.
For context, I grew up always putting others first and valuing myself as less inherently than those around me (church taught me that God wants us to put others before ourselves and I spiraled.)
This seems silly, but an example of this is that I would show up to church with my family and there would be one donut left, my blood sugar was routinely low and I’d help my 3 little brothers get ready so I didn’t have time to eat. I would let whatever old person have the last donut and I would go completely sweaty and blackout, but this was the extreme fear I developed of ever putting myself first.
Back to the scene in bed.
I finally said, kind of joking, that I feel sometimes like he loves his dogs more than me.
He got quiet.
Like I said, I was kind of joking at first, but his silence was SILENT.
I said oh my god, do you?
Silence.
“Are you serious?”
He finally sighed and said “Well…they are my babies. They’re my everything.”
I was completely silent. Stunned.
Im also aware that love for dogs and human love are not the easiest things to have compared in a question like this, but it seems he wasn’t aware of that cuz the boy knew how to answer.
I asked if he was serious and he said yes.
I pushed if further because of course I did. I had to know the extent of this unsettling answer.
I asked if a g@n was to either my head or the dogs heads, would he choose me or the dogs.
He got quiet again and told me that's not a fair question because that would never happen.
Wtf
So I insisted on my hypothetical question because now i was just shell shocked.
He finally admitted that he would choose to let me die over dogs.
Oh, and my daughter. His step daughter.
He said he’d choose to let both me and my daughter die.
Over his parents dogs.
I was visibly upset and shocked at how serious he was answering.
I said do you even love me?
He got quiet.
I asked again.
Silence.
He could see I was horrified and tearing up.
He finally got annoyed and said of course he does! And that he only hesitated because it was a stupid question. He then said he was kidding about the dog stuff and only answered that way to show me those were stupid questions.
Only guys, he wasn’t kidding. I really believe no part of that was a joke. I know joking. He was not kidding, at all.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
D
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"THIS"
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As soon as POSSIBLE!
The fact that he has the dog sleep in the bed over you is enough to know he doesn’t like you let alone love you. You need to go girl…it will never get better.
When he expected you to sleep somewhere else to make space for the dogs that was the point to give him notice. He’s a mess and frankly not very respectful or caring. He needs to get gone
He tells me I’m the one who never cares about others and it floors me. I care way too much about everyone’s needs, but he constantly tells me I don’t.
He picked you because he can see you’re a people pleaser and put yourself last. I hope you send him back to his mommy, along with the dog. He’s really unkind to you. This type of joke - how is it funny to tell you he’d save his dogs over you and your daughter?! Where’s the funny part??
2 days later OP came back with this "bad update":
So I’ve been reading all of your comments and obviously gaslighting myself on if he was joking. He doubled down yesterday morning and said he only answered that way because I was being ridiculous. Idk, I still felt uneasy about everything.
Last night, I was like sick exhausted. My throat was swollen, my back hurt, and I had gotten two hours of sleep the night before. When I went to go to sleep, this time both dogs were on the bed. I asked if we could lift the dog that can’t walk well to the floor since that’s where he likes to sleep as he can’t get on or off the bed alone.
He got up to try to gently move him to the floor but the golden didn’t much prefer it, so my husband instantly gave up. Now mind you, the dog is literally taking up the lower left corner (1/4 or more)of the bed.
I asked if he could gently insist the dog get on the floor. He explained that he will need to move to the floor later in the night but he doesn’t feel like it currently, so no; he wouldn’t be making him move right now if the pup didn’t delight in the thought right this instance. The dog got to stay.
I said this makes no sense to me because you’ll have to wake up from us sleeping to move him later?? He doubled down.
I focused on the second dog who was stretched out to consume the entire right half of the bed. My husband laid between them.
Spooning him.
That left a small 2 ft by 3 ft area in the upper left corner of the bed for me, and I wasnt allowed to accidentally let my foot touch them in a way the could put pressure on them. Obviously I lost my s%$# at this point.
Having read most of your comments, I started telling him this was insane, to grow up, to actually put me first, or go marry your dogs. I said this is so pathetic and embarrassing for me to be of less value than your dogs do you. You can’t put your golden through slight discomfort and move them to the floor so your sick wife can sleep?
He responds with, “move to the guest room.”
I said no.
He’s says “fine, I’ll move to the guest room.”
I said I really want to actually spend time with you since my kiddo is out of town. We never spend time together. Let’s both go to the guest room and the dogs can have our bed.
He says NO, it has to be just ONE of us, because he wants the dogs to have one adult as a comfort presence AND both have full access to the bed.
I obviously am floored at this point. Around this time the dog that sleeps on the floor somehow moved himself off the bed to the floor, even though I didn’t think he could without help due to his hips.
My husband notices and instantly freaks out asking if I made the dog get off the bed. I said no. He then says I should leave, I’m insane, he wants a divorce, and they will always be more important to him. He slept holding them so gently and scrumptiously.
So that’s the story of how I’m sitting upstairs trying to figure out how to pack my stuff and leave to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas alone. Because I’m less than two dogs. Oh, and it’s storming outside.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
No, I don’t buy any of this. I refuse to believe this is real. I refuse to believe that people here are just constantly marrying losers and only find this out WAY after the fact. Scrumptious? What a deeply weird choice of word.
It is 100% real. Scrumptious was the most illogical unhinged word I could pick but it emotionally fit how I felt he snuggles when them and I cannot explain it lol
Everyone is shitting on you over "scrumptiously" but reading that sentence I felt your annoyed rage in my core.
FINALLY. I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE. THANK YOU.
it's obvious he doesn't love you
Or even like her
Or even know what love means.
Obviously I need therapy for trying to save this and I’m realizing that now
Girl, it's kinda sad he had to be the one to tell you to leave and you wanted to stay with him. It's clear you don't think you have any value either.
I don’t and I’m actually empathetic toward myself for the first time in a long time after reading these comments. This is sad for me.
You were sick and trying to sleep, but you wanted to spend quality time with your husband?
He’s been 100% exposed to my illness by now and I wanted to snuggle
If this isn't rage bait you're the most spineless person in the world
I am actually the most spineless, yes.
But you can decide right now to stop that. Go call a lawyer and kick him out of your house, send him back to his parents. All communication can now go through your lawyer. You can do it.
You need therapy for marrying that POS in the first place. This can’t be the first time he hasn’t put you first. You need to figure out which red flag you ignored early in the relationship and ask yourself why so you never wind up here again.
This is unbelievable but he chose his farts over us awhile back and I’d have to take nausea meds nightly. Like violently puking and Im not kidding. We actually moved out and I’ve been trying to see if it’s salvageable, and since my daughter is out of town we spent time together this week.
He really kept promising a lot and I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I don’t want to just flake on a whole marriage. The comments when this happened were desperately telling me to give him a chance. But it’s unsalvageable now
Did you make a post about the farting? I swear I read that a few months ago.
Haha yes on my real profile. I don’t think people would believe this story if they read both. It’s too much
wait i definitely remember reading that one, that's actually vile.... maybe moving on from the relationship would be better as he doesn't seem to value you enough to make sure you're comfortable and feel loved.
I feel stupid having given it this many chances and it’s just a whole year of ridiculous now
The next day OP posted this update:
Hi,
I just wrote the two posts about how my husband, given the choice between letting me or his parents dogs live, would choose his dogs. I don’t even know how to write this next part because it sounds so bad in every way. Someone commented on one of the posts saying they think he’s “100% autistic.”
One of my close friends is autistic and I’ve learned a lot from them. I’m fully aware there is a spectrum. I am constantly grateful by the absolute gift to the universe my autistic friends are and I am humbled I get to learn from them.
My husband has never been diagnosed as autistic (please forgive me because I don’t know if it’s preferred to say “autistic” or “having autism” and my heart is in the right place, I just truly don’t know what the preferred term is because people have told me a few different preferences over the years.)
Possibly relevant side note: I have ADD and am medicated, and they think I have auditory processing disorder. I have PTSD and anxiety as well.
I’m actually really struggling with this comment, because I’ve always wondered if he was autistic because the things he’s said to me make me wonder-like maybe he doesn’t realize his obsession with his dogs to the point of loving them more than me isn’t normal.
He’s very sociable, has a group of friends he plays D&D with, is outgoing with strangers, can strike up conversations easily, has a wide variety of interests, a degree in journalism with a very creative and fun style of writing, is incredibly intelligent, high emotional IQ, connects with others easily, etc.
But every time he says something mean-like he loves his dogs more than me-I think, what if he’s undiagnosed autistic and doesn’t know he’s hurting me? He says very off the wall things that hurt me and are not at all socially acceptable, and genuinely acts like he doesn’t see the harm.
But then he’ll say things like this, actually fully aware that he knows what he’s saying is bad.
• I’m a piece of s@#$ • Less intelligent than him • A parasite • Infuriating • Worthless • Everyone can’t stand me • No one likes me • I have a peanut for a brain • I’m a ducking idiot • I’m so god$*mn stupid, Etc.
It breaks me. But I stop and think…what if he’s autistic and he’s projecting feeling like he’s inadequate onto me? What if he feels that way about himself and wishes he were neurotypical? And then my heart breaks and I cry.
Also when I tell him he’s making me cry, he tells me I cry all the time and that he’s just giving me a reason to get it out of the way.
I cannot divorce him because I worry he’s autistic and can’t help the a%^$e
Today he told me not to be around him because it’s impossible for him not to verbally a%^$e me because I make him have to.
At the end of the day I feel sad thinking maybe he feels like a neurodivergent outsider than wants to feel more neurotypical and therefore projects his feelings onto me to feel better about himself. That BREAKS me.
Whenever I stand up for myself and say no, I’m done, he breaks down and needs me, as if I’m a mother abandoning her child. He spent 34 years of his life at home till we married last year/what if there was enmeshment and that’s not his fault? What if he was never mentally allowed to grow up?
That also BREAKS me.
I feel so sad for him that I feel like I can’t divorce him because he’s mentally either been a&*%ed through enmeshment, or is insecure due to undiagnosed autism.
People keep asking why on earth I won’t leave him-I don’t want to leave him alone in this possible diagnosis, possible childhood trauma, etc-Id also feel so guilty if I walk away. That’s why. I do love him.
But I love my daughter more and I don’t want her thinking this is okay. I know what I need to do and I have to go through with the divorce. My heart is just aching and hurting for him. I’m posting this because I genuinely need insight to maybe help me gain perspective as I move forward.
Here's what people had to say to OP after this update: "The actual reason I haven’t left my husband (the one who would choose the dogs over me) is I feel too guilty because I think he’s autistic."
YTA- what is wrong with you?
Literally SO MUCH
Autism doesn’t make you an a^%$ole to your wife or partner. It also doesn’t excuse it. You deserve better.
Yeah idk why I was relating those two when it came to him-I’ve never known a#$se and autism to ever be correlated. You’re right
as someone with a whole alphabet of diagnosis, i hate when people use mental illness as an excuse for s%^$ty behavior, whether it be a person pulling the card themselves or someone enabling them and pulling it for them.