'My husband texted me that he left for two days with no warning.' UPDATED 1 YR LATER

"My husband texted me that he left for two days with no warning."

Life has been stressful lately. I am sympathetic to needing a break for sure. My husband recently got a concussion as well which is miserable and had mentioned planning a solo trip somewhere a couple times and he’s done them in the past. We had talked about our day, I felt like we had a nice morning and I left to go run errands and was going to pick him up after work.

While I was out I called him to ask a question and he didn’t answer, I was concerned he left his phone at home when he (supposedly) left for work, but a few minutes later I got a text saying that he was feeling stressed and overwhelmed and that he’s sorry it’s short notice but he’s leaving for 2 days to stay with a relative and disconnecting from his phone and will text me tomorrow to check in and that:

“hopefully we can use this time to refocus." Like I said, I am so understanding of needing a break from life, and it seems like it was needed for him. However, I have conflicting feelings over this. I was beside myself worried, he’s never just up and left and I was freaking out until I could get ahold of his relative and make sure he was there and was relieved to know he was safe.

In moments of feeling so much that a person can’t think is one thing, I’ve been there before too, but sending a text and immediately going no contact for two days is something that as a spouse, doesn’t sit well with me. If he had called instead of texted or even called later in the day (maybe when he wasn’t so overwhelmed) just to let me know he was alright I would’ve been a different story.

So the the next day when he “checked in” he sent me a text saying he was sorry I was blindsided by the sudden decision and knows this is “uncomfortable” for me and thanked me for giving him time to process. When I asked if he could call just hear his voice, he said he couldn’t do that and hasn’t contacted me again.

I know that when discussing mental health it’s important to prioritize the person struggling, and to say “I’m upset he won’t call me” might seem kinda shallow, but truthfully if I’m trying to be in a partnership with someone who just walked out the door is concerning to me in regards to maintaining trust (which we have been working on in counseling).

I want to be supportive and understanding but this hurt like hell. He is in therapy, I am in therapy and we were supposed to have couple’s counseling today (ironically), but that’s not happening now.

I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to go forward. I am not okay with how the situation happened, I feel so hurt. Am I being inconsiderate..? I need help, please throw me any advice. I feel like I’m drowning.

Commenters weighed in:

KicksYouInTheCrack said:

Check the bank records.

lawyercatgirl said:

Concussions and subsequent brain injuries are absolutely known to result in severe, if not debilitating, personality changes. I would consider this a strong possibility if nothing else explains it.

veggiegrrl said:

Speaking as someone who had a concussion followed by 18 months of post-concussion syndrome, I DEFINITELY did things during that period of time that I would not normally have done and that were harmful to my relationship.

Concussions can damage executive functioning in the brain, which affect impulse control as well as skills like thinking through the consequences of actions. In addition, if he is taking opioid painkillers for migraines or anything, that can also cause problems. Therapy is good, but if the concussion is playing a role, your husband may also need re%$b care from a medical specialist known as a physiatrist.

And Fartknocker500 said:

Been married 34 years, this behavior would not be ok with me. Counseling? I don't know, but not good behavior.

First update:

Thank you for the support, it was really helpful. The only person I could talk to about this has been out of cell coverage and your comments helped me put words to feelings. I was able to speak with him on the phone, finally.

After expressing my worries and frustrations he told me he admitted leaving like he did was a bad decision but he needed to take care of himself first and figure out what he wants before saying “I’m sorry I caused you to worry, but I hope you can take some time and understand why I did that."

I asked him to come up with a better apology that takes my feelings into consideration if he wants this relationship to continue. I point blank asked “Do you want me?” and the silence after that spoke louder than anything. Wow. He informed me that he is currently trying to decide what he wants from life, including our relationship.

I told him that he’d need to make a decision pretty soon if he wants me to be an option, and when asked when he’d be returning he said he doesn’t know how many more days he’ll be gone, but would let me know “soon."

As many pointed out, the concussion puts a variable in here, it is the only reason that I can think that would make him act like he never has in the past, and though devastated and in total shock, I’m going to hear whatever he has to say when he decides to come home. I have put off making my decision for the moment, my whole world feels too askew to make one. I just can’t believe this.

We had a wedding and consider ourselves married, but are not legally married so it makes things a lot simpler. Also.. his relatives live out in the sticks, and have been keeping an eye out because of the head injury, he might be acting like a dick but he isn’t a cheater.

A year later, she posted this major update:

It feels like years since this happened but I wanted to follow up on it, this community was incredibly helpful when I didn’t have anyone to turn to, and I am really grateful for the people who were able to help. I had been so entrenched in fixing things that I couldn’t even see how toxic this relationship had become and was taking on blame for things out of my control.

My now ex had ended up calling me after a few days in “hiatus” and broke up with me over the phone. He requested that I just sell all of his stuff but I told him he needed to come back and get it himself, which he did with the condition that I promised I wouldn’t be there.

Unfortunately I had to clean out the rest of our apartment and deal with all the logistics of bills and felt like I had to harass him for the half of them when he wouldn’t send it when I asked. He stopped talking to me and it became known to me that he was telling his family that I was a narcissist and manipulative (the reasoning given of why he left so suddenly) and they completely cut contact as well.

Many pointed to the head injury he had sustained as the reason this went down the way it did and I definitely agree that was the catalyst, so I made sure his relatives knew about it in case he needed help, however I couldn’t do anything beyond accept that he was actively rejecting me and I haven’t seen him since the day he left.

I had a soft place to land at my parent’s house and started healing from there. I had already been seeing a therapist and she was my godsend and I was able to open up about some of the issues that I acquired during this relationship and really see it for what it had been, which was a clash of immaturity and mental health struggles that caused us both to Inadvertently hurt each other all the time.

I worked from the beginning (and still work some days) to not settle into resentment from the whole situation knowing how heavy the weight of my own anger would weigh me down, and at this point I can say that I can look at our relationship through the lens of “we loved each other but we outgrew each other, and the way he left was not okay, and I fully hold him accountable for that.”

I was hurting really intensely but I started exercising and worked to be physically healthy and emotionally healthy at the same time. I had just found a treatment for chronic health issues I had been dealing with, so I felt like my life shifted into a new era. As the dust settled I have been able to start going to college and found purpose again.

I was ready to date again sooner than I initially thought I would have, I was still in the healing process but I felt like that didn’t limit me from having fun hanging out with new people and seeing what was out there. I ended up meeting someone really great pretty fast, which was a surprise to me, but a really good surprise.

So far things have been going really well and completely different than even the “good” portion my past relationship experience. I think my past self would have really cared a lot about what people think, or would have been unsure about a new relationship so soon,

but I also I know myself and what I want from life so much better than when I started dating the first time and proved to myself that I have the strength to not only survive hurt but to rebuild my life into something better than it was.

Anyways, all this to say that if you’re going through an ugly marriage and people are telling you to get out and the thing that’s stopping you from doing that is feeling like you’ll never get back on your feet, it may take some time, but you will and it’s 100% worth it.