'My husband asked for an open marriage, so I downloaded Tinder and showed him my matches.'
'My husband asked me to open our marriage. So I downloaded Tinder and showed him how many I matched with...'
I (f40) really thought everything was great between us(m40). We love each other (or should I say I loveED him?) more than anything. We have two beautiful children a big home and great jobs. We have [a] great [love life] and we have a lot in common.
Last week he told me that he wanted to ask me something but that I mustn’t take it the wrong way. He wanted to open the marriage. I started crying. Did he not love me anymore? Is he not attracted to me? Is he cheating? Why not divorce me then? His answer was no, no, no and no. It’s not about love or happiness because he has both. Just something new and exciting.
I was distraught the whole day and later that evening I downloaded tinder. I uploaded one of my least flattering pictures. Wrote that I’m a mother of 2, (f3 & m1) and that I was in an open marriage. I showed my husband my profile. After one hour I got over 100 matches. Next day it was around 2000.
My husband got very angry and demanded I deleted the app. He said he got the point and to forget about it. Now he is back to “normal” but I cant forget about it.
Edit from OP:
It is so weird because he never was comfortable with me getting attention. He always dislikes it when men pay attention to me or flirt/be nice. What was he thinking opening the marriage was?
This started a discussion about cheating, open marriages, and polyamory.
lovinglifeatmyage wrote:
I always get the impression when a partner wants to ‘open’ a relationship it’s them wanting a ‘legal’ excuse to cheat. They don’t actually want the person they’re with to have other relationships themselves.
And let’s face it, unless he’s incredibly good looking, has lots of money, or some women are just desperate, then I doubt he’ll have a huge amount of luck. Good for you for showing him the reality of it all. I’d now be on the lookout for him cheating
Maxingandrelaxing says:
He’s not back to normal he’s back to cheating behind your back.
Haunting-Tinder OP responded:
He is very good looking yes but we are not rich. We live comfortably but not rich at all.
It’s hard for me to understand which woman would be interested in him however since I would never waste my time on a married man with small children. So I have no idea who the woman is. I know his colleagues well and I know all his friends because they’re my friends too. All I know is that I think he had one in mind and didn’t just want to open the marriage and then try his luck.
My stomach turned writing this. I’m just so disappointed. I thought he was better than this. How could he have fooled me for so long? The love he showed me and he made me believe that he was happy and content with our family.
turbulance4 says:
Please read this post about polyamory. I think most people have a lot of misconceptions about it. The desire to open a marriage is not necessarily an indication that something is wrong.
Haunting-Tinder OP responded:
I have only bad experiences from poly. (This is my own experience and my own opinion so I don’t know if this is how they are. Take it with a grain of salt as I said this is my own opinion based on my own experience)
Poly men have no boundaries and when you say no then you are narrow minded. They don’t know what love is and they have very little opinions of women. They’re always chasing and never happy with what they have.
There is a lot of jealousy and rivalry in these relationships. And it makes me sad that these people don’t just leave. It is like a cult where if you say you are monogamous then you are not as evolved or intelligent. Only on the surface of course. All poly people I know are miserable in private. Especially when they get older and their partners find younger and “more attractive” people.
[I don't care] if “humans aren’t monogamous in nature and can’t be together for long years”. I still want one relationship at a time. When it ends it ends. Then start a new monogamous relationship and so on. I have had several long term relationships that ended when the love or attraction ended on one or both ends and that is fine and just being a human.
If my husband told me that he wasn’t happy or attracted to me anymore then we need to end the relationship. Whatever poly people believe, the majority of us want one relationship at a time and it is not because of any rules. It’s because we want monogamy and inclusivity. Stop lying to yourselves. You are the exception not the rule AND THAT IS FINE BUT STOP PUSHING YOUR AGENDA ON THE REST OF US.
Ferociouslynx writes:
Okay, you may not be poly, what about your husband? That may give you insight into what's happening in his head.
Haunting-Tinder OP responded:
If he is poly they he could find people like him to be poly with.
This_Cauliflower1986 writes:
I’m sorry. He has another woman all lined up. A friend has this happen at a similar time as he felt neglected while she minded an infant and toddler.
Yes, hes having to share what time and energy you have with the children he helped to create. Is he contributing toward child minding and the household? My spouse realized I would be more available if he stepped it up.
Haunting-Tinder agrees:
I deeply believe that. I don’t see it coming from nothing. He probably already has one in mind and thought he could cheat with my permission. He didn’t count on the part that I would do the same. He knows that I can’t sleep with people I don’t have feelings for.
C1sko writes:
The beginning of the end.
Haunting-Tinder OP responded:
☹️ it feels so much that way. I can’t help it. In my heart he is already cheating
NoFrankly writes:
You need to discuss this... A real sit down talk about it.
Haunting-Tinder OP responded:
Yes, when I feel ready. Right now I feel like my heart is going to explode. I need to get over the heartbreak or at least wait until it doesn’t hurt as much and then maybe I can think straight and decide what I want to do. Right now I just want to be gone and never see him again but I know that life doesn’t work that way
I can’t sleep with him anymore because I don’t know what he is doing or thinking to do. I don’t know if I could even with negative test results tbh, it’s still too fresh.
I know that it isn’t my fault and it’s a him thing, still I feel so unwanted and disgusting
yearning-for-sleep writes:
Clearly you are not unwanted. You showed him that. Hang in there girl. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.
Haunting-Tinder OP responded:
Thank you