'My husband’s ex-wife DM'd me a day after our wedding to 'warn' me.' UPDATED

"My husband’s ex-wife messaged me within 24 hours of our wedding, and now I don’t know what to do."

I’m really needing your help and some grounded perspective right now, because my emotions are all over the place. All names have been changed, as friends and family quietly lurk here and I’d rather not light any unnecessary fires.

The background: I (39F) have been with my now-husband, Hugh (45M), for just over 4 years. We got engaged in February and decided not to wait around, we planned our wedding for December and threw ourselves into it. The planning went smoothly, the day itself was beautiful, the sun shone, and the people we love were there. It was one of those rare days where everything feels right.

Both my husband and I are not very active on social media. For us it’s just a quiet way to stay connected. My profile showed I was in a relationship with Hugh, but I never bothered to update it when we got engaged. I hardly ever post, rarely comment, and I certainly wasn’t broadcasting wedding countdowns or newlywed bliss online.

Hugh’s ex-wife, let’s call her Chardonnay (43F), was with him for around 12 years. 9 years dating, 1 year engaged, 2 years married. From everything Hugh, his friends, and even his mother have told me, their relationship was unstable. They broke up on 4 separate occasions.

His parents and best friend asked him more than once if marrying her was the right decision, because they could see how unhappy he was. Hugh, always trying to do the right thing, believed marriage would somehow fix what was broken.

Financially, Hugh carried almost everything. He paid most of the bills, the food, the holidays, bought her a car. Chardonnay worked part-time as a teaching assistant, and her income was treated as her spending money. When friends asked her about her ambitions, she openly said she didn’t need a job because Hugh paid for everything.

After 2 unhappy years of marriage, Hugh asked for a divorce. 2 weeks later, the pandemic hit. What should have been a clean break turned into a slow, painful, emotionally draining process. Chardonnay refused to move out until a court order forced the issue and when that day came, she did not go quietly.

Then came the message. Less than 24 hours after I married the man I love, while I was still floating somewhere between joy and disbelief, I received a private message from Chardonnay.

She wrote that she thought I’d just married her ex-husband. That he had been trying to contact her on and off for years, most recently three days ago. She said I’d probably heard awful things about her. That Hugh demonizes his exes and never takes responsibility. That she loved him deeply and was still trying to recover from the damage he caused.

That she didn’t want contact with him, but felt she had to warn me because she’d “been exactly where I am.” That he would never give me the life he promised. That when he’s good, he’s perfect, but when he’s bad, it’s torture.

And just like that, the glow of newlywed happiness cracked.

I trust my husband. I truly do. I am confident there is nothing behind her claim that he’s been trying to contact her. I also happen to be friendly with one of Hugh’s other exes, let’s call her Marie, who is a long-time family friend. Their breakup was amicable. While Hugh was with Chardonnay, she forbade him from speaking to Marie at all. After the divorce, Hugh reconnected with her.

Marie is now happily married with two children and has told me plainly that I have nothing to worry about and that this feels like Chardonnay stirring the pot. Hugh has never demonised is exe’s to me, but did express the issues he had during the divorce which others (his family / friends) confirmed as they heard her ranting when they called him to check-in.

Still, the timing hurt. The cruelty of it hurt. Receiving that message so soon after our wedding felt like someone deliberately reaching into a moment of pure happiness and trying to ruin it. I haven’t replied to her. I don’t know if I should. Part of me wants to protect my peace. Another part of me feels unsettled simply knowing the message exists.

This is not how I imagined the beginning of married life. What would you do?

This is what people had to say to OP:

iknowsomethings2 said:

Be honest with your husband, show him the message. Let him deal with it. Mute her in case you need to get a restraining order or something. You trust your husband and you’ve also heard it from Other sources.

I’m always wary of guys who bad mouth exes, but your husband hasn’t done that to you. He’s vented to his friends and family who knew the situation, he wasn’t badmouthing her to you, which to me is a good sign.

Spirited_Substance79 said:

"And just like that the glow of newly wedding happiness cracked" that's what she was aiming to do. She lost her meal ticket when they split and shes still salty about it. Its jealous ex 101, as far as she cares, shes done her part and made a crack..probably hoping to cause a split between you and Hugh.

Don't let her, protect your peace, block her if you feel it necessary. Have the conversation with Hugh if you haven't already but dont let her dull your newly wedding bliss glow

Congratulations on your nuptials!!!

Such-Celebration-879 said:

Ignore her. Don’t even reply as that alone is a message. That don’t allow her to live rent free in your mind. That is what she’s like. You already have confirmation from your husband, his family, his friends and an ex.

And Whereswolf said:

I like to be petty. So I would write back. "Hi, thank you for your heads up. 4 years too late. Which only proves you did this just to hurt me/us. I'm happy to inform you our relationship is just as we want it and we're very happy, so you don't need to worry. And even if something goes awry I won't come to you for support, so there's really no need for you to keep tabs on us.

We're fine and don't need your concerns. You are free to live a happy life. Please. Don't let us live rent free in your head. You don't take space in our life, we really shouldn't take any space in yours.

Best regards The happy newlywed Mrs...."

Do consider blocking her on SM. She's toxic and just want to hurt you because he made a better life with you than her.

OP later shared this update:

Thank you all for your comments, advice and congratulations 🥰 it meant a lot to me. I didn’t think would get so many comments.

So bit of an update; I did tell my husband about the message. He was in the room when I I saw it and we read it together. He said he hasn’t been actively trying to contact her and offered his phone for me to check, but I didn’t need to as in the run up to the wedding he was with me doing the wedding prep and wouldn’t have time to contact her ‘3days ago’.

Plus he’s pretty bad at lying, and both me and his mum know when he’s telling porky pies. I haven’t accepted the social media message from Chardonnay and therefore I don’t think (but not certain) she can see if I’ve read it or not. I don’t think she can send anymore messages until I do accept it (and I’m currently not intending to).