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'I discovered my wife is cheating two years ago and haven't stopped her.' UPDATED

'I discovered my wife is cheating two years ago and haven't stopped her.' UPDATED


"I [37] caught my wife [43] cheating two years ago and haven't stopped her."

Here's the original post:

A few years ago, I was on my lunch break and was out on a drive. I popped by my house and my garage door was open and my wife's car and another car were there. I parked across the street and went in through the garage, which is in our basement, essentially under the bedrooms of our split level house.

Literally the second I was in the garage, I could hear the bed in our spare bedroom above me bouncing and muffled sounds that were clearly sex. I stood there, basically in disbelief of what I was hearing, but I wasn't overcome with anger or anything. I very very quietly opened the door into the house and crept up the steps.

I could see down the hall from the top of the steps and I could see the shadows of them on the wall outside the first bedroom (not my bedroom) in the hallway. Tons of groaning, lots of dirty talk from her, and I snuck back down the steps, through the garage, out to my car, and backed it to a side street and I observed them leave about 15 minutes later. They just walked out in broad daylight.

The thing is....our marriage is awesome. Like, totally spot on amazing. We sleep together almost every night and we're completely in love. We have 3 kids together and life is damn good. Over the past couple of years, I sporadically pop past the house in the middle of the day and that car is there about 2-3x a month and I am 100% aware of what is happening.....and I'm kinda okay with it!

Oh, and I know who the guy is, too. I had a police pal run the plate and it's one of her college boyfriends. He's also married. My plan for now is if she ever finds out I know, I'm just going to tell her I'm fine with it because our marriage is pretty much bang on perfect. If this is what she needs to do to keep the marriage perfect, I'm fine with it and I won't cause any drama to her FWB.

What do you all think? Anyone else have this type of situation? Am I a total weirdo?

What do you think?

This is what top commenters had to say about the situation:

IssueInteresting1203 said:

If it works for you that’s ok

Mamihl said:

It's probably a good idea to talk to her about this. Hear me out. You're in a rare situation where you know your wife is cheating and you're cool with it. You're okay with it because you feel you're marriage is "perfect". But think of it from her perspective... Obviously she feels that there's something missing.

Now you might feel that's not an issue, but there are other factors you should think about. She likely feels some combination of anxiety, guilt, and resentment doing this. Eventually, if you don't communicate about this, that resentment might project to you, especially if she thinks you wouldn't understand her need to look outside the marriage.

Instead, imagine if you approached her. Not as a jaded husband who "caught" her but as her best friend who supports her, understands, and still loves and accepts her. This pretty much solidifies your relationship through an otherwise toxic timebomb waiting to explode. Anyway, I wish you the best. You seem like a chill dude.

jabroski202087 said:

Bro if you ever do something that pisses her off really bad you have a get out of the doghouse free card😂

And cdmillerx42 said:

Look... if you're happy with the situation then go for it.... BUT.... you do need to realize you could potentially be exposing yourself to un-safe sex, on their part.

A month after his original post, he shared this update:

The last month or so has been a whirlwind for me. First, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the tremendous amounts of supportive messages I received from this sub. There were so many amazing pieces of advice.

When I wrote the post, I wasn't sure if I would ever tell her, but a series of events occurred in recent weeks that now have me convinced I made that post in part because i was ready to talk to her about it, but didn't know how until the perfect situation fell into my lap last week. And I have told her.

In the weeks after I made my post, I found myself obsessing over clues of their routine. They met up a couple of times on either a Tuesday or a Thursday, always at my house, and always for only about 30-40 minutes. Each time, she sent me a late morning "Hey, how's your day?" text to check that I was firmly ensconced at work. Each time, I ran to my car and drove up a side street to view my house from afar.

After watching them go inside, I then would pop over to the house, hear the telltale sounds from the guest bedroom. Once, after they had gone, I snuck into the house to find the laundry machine running and the guest bed re-made with a fresh sheet. I took one of my kids to dance lesson later that day, came home, and that sheet had been put back away in the hall closet.

I also found myself watching her phone habits. She's very anti-phone during family time, but I noticed her on her phone between sets when she weight lifts on Sunday nights in our basement.

I found this behavior of mine weighing on me. I didn't really care for my voyeuristic behavior.

But this past Thursday, a seemingly meant-to-be series of events occurred for a "now or never" opportunity for me to act. I got "the text" at 10:30 or so in the morning. I ran to the car, arrived at my house at 10:45. Most of the time, they get there at 11:00 (my wife goes to work at 6:30 am so she has an early-ish lunch); he arrived at 11:00, but she didn't arrive until 11:05.

They went in through garage as normal (left it open as normal, too). I'll be brief here, but I went into the house and came close to getting caught. But they were later than normal and apparently in a huge hurry, and, upon re-entering the house after they'd gone, discovered she had NOT replaced the sheets on the spared bedroom bed and had NOT started the laundry.

In the laundry were the sheet, a pair of panties, and a pair of scrubs lab pants and shirt. Almost as if I had no control over the situation, I started the laundry machine, sat down, had coffee, and moved the laundry over to the dryer half an hour later, and then went back to work.

I took one of my kids to their dance class that day, got home at like 6:30, and walked in to an absolutely frantic wife. She grabbed hold of my arms, looked at me, was shaking, and said "Did something happen today?" I looked her in the eye, said "Yes, I love you, everything is fine, we will talk about it all a lot, i love you, it's okay, i promise it's okay."

I kissed her and we fooled around in the bathroom for a few minutes, then I made dinner, and we helped the kids with homework, bedtime, etc. as normal. When the kids got to bed, we got down to business and talked for about 5 hours Thursday night. It basically started off by her asking me "How much do you know?" I told her a LOT, but not even remotely everything, and also that I wasn't mad at all.

She said she had spent every waking moment from getting home and discovering the laundry to the time I walked in feeling almost certain I would walk in and announce I was divorcing her. I assured her that was NOT going to happen. Of course she was rattled.

She admitted everything straight away, was very upset obviously, but I got her calmed down and we had some fantastic conversation. We agreed we'd likely need a weekend of privacy and my MIL agreed to take the kids all weekend, which is perfect because the kids just go there and eat Papa Johns and snickers ice cream bars for two days so they love it of course.

So the gist of what I found out is this:

-It's been going on since 2005, pre-dating me knowing her by five years.

-They dated in 1996 and didn't have a great relationship but the sex was great.

-They reconnected after he'd been married 3-4 years and began cheating. she was a single AP but he was married.

-She told me she would have been content to do that for years, and did. She dated casually with other people, hooked up with him, became a doctor, did her residency, traveled, had a good life.

When she met me ten years ago, I complicated her equation because of how intensely she fell in love with me. She gave me her full self, but continued with him because of what described as "magic hex she couldn't break" regarding their sexual chemistry.

-My kids are 100% mine (I never had any doubt really) and they never had PIV intercourse while we were trying to conceive.

-He and his wife have a great marriage, have sex, and my wife is not saving him from a dead bedroom.

-His wife does not know.

-Their relationship essentially consists of "hey, how's it going? how's life? how are the kids, let's have sex, okay see ya next time!" It's not an overly emotional thing. She explained several times that if they were going to have a real relationship, they would have done it long before she and I even met.

Obviously there is a lot more that I know than that list, but you get the idea. We also slept together like 10 times this weekend when the kids were gone. I clearly told her I am okay with it if she and he continue; I love her, she has had this thing going for much longer than I've been married to her, it makes her happy, and I love it when she's happy.

She was, of course, gobsmacked. I also told her she is free to NOT tell him I know OR to tell him I know and that telling him or not was 100% in her court.

She mulled it over, considered it for a day, and decided to tell him. I told her if she wanted to tell him, she could invite him over this past Sunday morning, I would go for a long run, they could talk, then I would go pick up the kids and when returning with the kids, he would be gone.

And that's what happened.

I got home with the kids in the late morning, she saw them, cried. The kids went to put away to play.

My wife is. weightlifter is insanely strong. We frequently do muay thai holds in bed, haha. She could kick the shit out of me in two seconds flat. But she grabbed my head on both sides of my face HARD. And the tears just flowed from both of us instantly. Just GUSHING. She looked me straight in the eye and said "You have to listen to me. I will NEVER leave you. EVER. I LOVE YOU...and you know it."

Well, I sobbed like a baby.

So she recapped their conversation to me.

She started the conversation by telling him to stay calm, everything was fine, but that she felt it pertinent to tell him that I knew everything and had known for a long time. He said okay.

She told him that the option was on the table to continue but that at the end of the conversation if he decided he could not trust ME that she was ending it with HIM. He said okay. So she relayed to him what I knew. It was a couple hour long conversation.

Sunday afternoon, she checked in with him and he said he was doing fine. He said that he did trust me because if I had an malicious intent towards him, his life as he knew it would have ended long ago.

He also sent her a message to relay to me that he does trust me and he hopes that I will trust him as well and know in my heart that he is not coming for what I have. He will never steal my wife away. So he said he trusts me and he asked me to trust him. I said he had a deal. She has been very communicative with me (as she always is) but to a new level.

She has expressed relief to me the past couple of days that she feels lighter. She has showed me numerous times in recent days how much she loves me. She is having moments of struggle because this is all still so fresh for her, whereas i've been living with it for years. She's amazed at how I'm fine. I told her I'm fine because we're together and I know she's in this with me. She said yes she is.

Sources: Reddit
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