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Man brags about warm shower to wife recovering from labor, she calls him 'callous and dense.'

Man brags about warm shower to wife recovering from labor, she calls him 'callous and dense.'


A lot of arguments can spring up out of plain old miscommunication, especially in a marriage full of high-stress moments.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for telling his wife how great his shower and sleep was while she was recovering from labor. He wrote:

"AITA for telling my wife how great my shower/sleep was, when she was in the hospital after delivering our baby?"

My wife (37F) recently gave birth to our son. We are living in different countries, a 6-8 hr drive apart, because I (35M) went back to full-time school, and she can only work in her country. This way, she could work during her pregnancy, to save up for mat leave. When her labour started, I was on rotation for my school. I got permission to leave and drove ~8 hrs to make it there at midnight, just in time.

She said she had unexpected bleeding and very painful contractions for 2hrs in the waiting room while she waited for a doctor. But by the time I got there, she was peacefully talking to her mother. She got an epidural, and asked to wait to push until I arrived. Our baby was born in the middle of the night. She had a 3rd-degree tear and a very large hemorrhoid from pushing.

They moved us to a cramped room with a bed for her and a recliner that was very uncomfortable for me to sleep in. MIL went home, and returned at night to relieve me. I went home, slept overnight, showered, and felt refreshed. I returned the next morning. I told her how great it was to sleep in our bed, and take a shower (her condo shower has the best pressure).

Told her I badly needed it after driving all day + spending the next day in the hospital. At that point, they had moved to a private room, which still only had a fold-out padded chair that MIL had slept in. My wife complained that she couldn't take a shower because the bathroom didn't have any warm water, the baby had been up all night crying/feeding, and that it hurt for her to walk because of the tear/hemorrhoid.

Now our baby is 2 months old. I managed to have a few weeks off [ETA: 2.5 wks], which I spent with them. MIL is staying with my wife to help with baby. A week ago, we got into an argument about something.

She started accusing me of never once having woken up at night to help with the baby, and told me that it was very inconsiderate of me to have bragged about my shower/sleep, when she couldn't have those luxuries in the hospital. She said I should have seen that she was sleep-deprived and still covered in her own sweat/blood, and that it was callous and dense of me to make those comments.

She said it showed a lack of compassion. I didn't make those comments maliciously!! I had gone about 48 hours without a shower, and combined with the 8hr travel, I felt quite filthy. I had also woke up at 5 AM and did a 5-hour shift before driving up 8-10 hours to get to the hospital. It had been over 36 hours before I had last slept in a bed.

I expressed to my wife that it felt great to take a shower and sleep because of the sleep deficit I had, and because of how filthy I was feeling. I mentioned that having a good night of sleep, and a shower meant that I felt fresh and could be fully present for her and the baby And as helpful as possible during this time. AITA for just expressing gratitude for my experience?

The internet did not hold back on OP.

My_igloo_is_melting wrote:

YTA. She did 9 months pregnant, two months looking after YOUR child, for a total of eleven months, never mind the whole birth experience. You could not manage 48 hours. Your solution was to have a shower and sleep, then brag about it. You owe this woman a lot.

A lot more than you have provided, a lot more than you were even thinking of providing. Provided, of course, that you had a hot shower and a good sleep first.

Ok-Amphibian-6834 wrote:

YTA. Let’s rip your taint from your ballsac to your AH and then make you get up every 1-3 hrs. Oh and run a few miles. You’re beyond selfish.

Known_Fault1795 wrote:


I'm sorry, I don't even know what to write here. I have so many questions! Why did you decide to have a baby without you being able to be there as the father? Some background information would be helpful I think, you're being rather vague there.

For me, this story is horrible because when I have my baby, I want my partner to be present and my romantic relationship would never bear it if I was left alone by him in this important situation. What you report here reflects exactly that for me: no matter what arrangements you have made, it seems like your wife feels like she is alone with the baby. Whatever circumstances have led to this.

That's why I can't pass judgment here. All I can say is that I just find the story sad.

Kolemawny wrote:

I don't understand why you think the primary problem is the shower, and not "never once having woken up at night to help with the baby."

She's not mad that you took a shower. She's mad that you displayed very low emotional intelligence and do not demonstrate care of her feelings. I'm going to script this out for you, because you appear to dense to come up with it yourself.

"Wife, let's talk. I'm sorry that my behavior has left you feeling like i don't care. I want you to tell me all of the ways that I do this to you."

Listen. Take notes if necessary.

"I am going to do better for us. Next time the baby wakes up in the night, if i don't wake up too, wake me up, and I'll take care of it."

Then buy her a bath bomb and promise her an evening off with you 100% taking care of the baby. If you have a question which you cannot figure out, google the answer like you would for any other problem - don't bug her. Proceed afterwards by making sure you invest equivalent effort into child care, going forward. Maintain a dialog and invite your wife to tell you when you do things that upset her. Solved. YTA

briareus08 wrote:


You weren't there for the birth.

You bragged about having a great sleep and a nice shower to a new mother.

You apparently don't help with the baby even when you are there.

It's not a great start to fatherhood, let me put it that way.

OP is giant, flaming AH, there's no way around it. Hopefully, he listens to the internet on this one.

Sources: Reddit
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