When I met her, she was a widow. She had known her late husband since infancy (her Mom babysat him), and they had been 'dating' since seventh grade. Married at 18. He died in a car accident when they were 20, shortly before I met her.
When we first started dating, she was still grieving his death, she would often have panic attacks and lock herself in the bathroom crying. I tried to be as understanding as I could when things like this happened. I tried to comfort her, but she would just ask for space. Over the years, this has lessened and lessened, she NEVER brings him up anymore.
Our first Valentine's Day I got her chocolates and flowers, she accepted them, and said she appreciated the gesture. But then she said she thinks Valentine's Day is just a stupid, commercial holiday that she doesn't care for. I retorted that I think it's a sweet day where couples could profoundly express their love, and that I'd still like to celebrate it at least a little.
After pressing it for a while, she admitted that she didn't want to celebrate it because she celebrated it with her late-husband. It started with corny, little Valentine's cards you make for your classmates in elementary school.
Then to full-fledged romantic dinners. Then eventually they got married on Valentine's day. We were freshly in the relationship, so I digressed, and agreed no Valentine's day. So, I never attempted to celebrate it again.
That brings us to this Valentine's day. Man, I can feel my blood boiling typing this. It's our first Valentine's day as a married couple, she never discusses him anymore, so I think... why not surprise her with some flowers after work? We've come so far over the years.
Our relationship is near perfect, I love her beyond words, nothing wrong with expressing that... right? Wrong. I bring home the flowers, a full-fledged $100 bouquet, and she loses her absolute s%&t. She said it's the one thing she's ever explicitly asked me not to do and I couldn't even respect that.
She grabs the flowers out of my hands, storms out of the apartment without even putting shoes on. I follow after her, she starts screaming at the top of her lungs, and throws them in a dumpster. Her knees give out, and she shrinks down to the ground, crying like absolute crazy. I've never seen her this bad.
I get down on the ground with her and hold her, profusely apologizing. She calms down, we go back up to our apartment. A few hours pass by as normal, and admittedly.. I make maybe an even bigger mistake...
She's on her computer doing some work, I ask her, 'Do you still love him? Was I just a rebound?' I regret the words as soon as they come out, I wish I could take them back instantly; we haven't discussed him since the first year we were together. But I don't want to ignore the subject, it's killing me, I had to ask. No response. Nothing. At all.
I get angrier. I know I shouldn't have, but I start yelling at her to answer me. She gets up, she starts packing up a duffel bag with clothes. I ask where she's going? Still nothing. She wouldn't even make eye contact with me.
She takes off her engagement and wedding rings (from our marriage) and puts it on the nightstand. I lose it at this point. I feel out of my mind. I literally can't feel my body. It's like I'm watching myself from the third person.
Her late-husband was cremated, so she kept his wedding ring after he passed, in a little box in her sock drawer. I grab the box, and get a hammer, I start bashing the ring in and telling her that he's dead, I'm her husband now, I can't believe she's not over him.. Awful stuff. I know. I don't know what I was thinking.
She bawls for me to stop. I immediately stop. I realize what I had just done. I wasn't thinking. I couldn't have been. I would never do something like that but I just did.
And then she left. I begged her to stay as she walked out but she didn't. I've tried contacting her a million times since, her phone is off? Or she blocked me. I don't know. I called her parents, and close friends, no one knows where she is. Or at least they won't tell me.
I know I messed up. Is there anything I can do to fix this? Is my marriage over? I've never felt that kind of anger before. I've never been so vicious before. I don't know what came over me, jealousy? Maybe. I don't know.
I guess I can't really describe it. It just felt like everything I built with her was based on a rebound. If he hadn't died, they would probably be together, and I'm just holding his place now.
She's always treated me with immense love, never compared me to him, she's the most hardworking, brave, sweetest woman I know. She's always encouraged me and pushed me to achieve my dreams. And supported me when I failed.
Her brother called me and let me know she's safe, and staying with a family member, but won't specify where. He asked if he could come pick up some more of her stuff (including the destroyed ring, he specifically ask I not throw it away or further tarnish it....) from our place, without her. I reluctantly agreed, I really want to see her, but I understand why I can't right now.
She hasn't texted me back or called me herself. I'm starting to think she won't be anytime soon. And according to everyone here, I have no one to blame but myself. Not sure if I'll keep replying to comments, it's taking a toll on me, but I'm still reading all of them. Some are hard to read, but I appreciate them anyway.
I guess I'm an a**hole, but it's hard to live in the shadow of a ghost. I just wanted to celebrate Valentine's Day so I could show her how much I love and appreciate her. Things got out of hand. Some of my comments on here were out of anger, and I'm sorry for that. I love my wife, despite what people here think. And I won't stop fighting for her.
Never mind. I was wrong. She texted me back shortly after her brother called, 'The next time you see me there will be a lawyer, and divorce papers. I'm scared of you now. Please stop contacting me and my family, and if you come anywhere near me, I'm calling the cops...'
Verbatim. So, I guess that's that. I guess I underestimated the severity of what I did. I guess it isn't as black and white as I thought. I knew I messed up. I just didn't think it was this bad. I'm floored. Devastated.
I hope she just texted that out of anger, and that she'll come around. Part of me is so angry I want to throw out his ring entirely, and her engagement/wedding ring from our marriage too. It's hard to imagine she actually wants to leave me. For now, whiskey it is.
Okay, actual last update after I left her multiple voicemails and texts after her last text. She sent me back one text, here it is:
'I love you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but it's become clear you can't accept the life I had before you. I learned how to love because of him, and because of that I was able to love you as long, and as much as I did. In a way you're right, I wasn't ready to get into a relationship when we did, but we did, and we were in deep.
I wasn't ready but I didn't want to lose you because it was the wrong timing. And we built an amazing life together, or so I thought. What you did is unforgivable. I would have rather you hit me with the hammer, and leave the ring in tact. I got rid of all my photos with him because you didn't want it in our home, that ring was all I had left.
Please do not get rid of it. Keep the apartment, keep the car, keep anything you want of ours. I will tell any lawyer I want the bare minimal. But that ring is mine. If you ever cared about me, let me just have it back so I can get it fixed. We're not coming back from this, I'm sorry.
I hope you'll heal from this but there's nothing you can say or do to undo the damage here. What's done is done. Take care of yourself. Legal proceedings are the only thing in our future, and I'm sorry that, that has to be the case. But I'm done.'
Your marriage is certainly over. It’s not just Valentine’s Day, she literally got married to her childhood sweetheart on that day. He’s not an ex, he’s her late husband who died tragically. If you don’t respect that, you don’t respect her.
It’s perfectly possible to love more than one person in your life time, but I’m not so sure it’s possible to love some one who has done what you’ve done.
He ruined the best thing he had and that letter she wrote was perfect.
If this was a friend or family member I would be encouraging divorce and never being alone with him again. The whole scenario is scary as hell.
I read his comments. He didn’t love her for who she was but for who he wanted her to be. He wanted her to be a twenty year-old single woman when he met her. She wasn’t. She was a twenty year-old widow.