'AITA for not telling my wife I got a vasectomy? I think she's faking birth control.'
"AITAH for not telling my wife I got a vasectomy?"
My wife and I are married for 12 years and have a really good marriage. Some arguments here and there, but nothing major. There is one glaring problem and that’s the kids.
We have 5 children, all girls (for those wondering, the ages are: 10, 8, 6, 3, 1). I always wanted kids and my wife also did. After our 4th girl was born, I didn’t want anymore children. We don’t have unlimited financial resources and dividing time also gets challenging. To be honest, we had a good talk, because I thought 3 was also fine, but my wife wanted more and I wasn’t opposed.
After our 4th daughter was born, my wife was really dejected because she really wanted a son. I knew this and noticed it after our 3rd daughter was born, but after the birth of our 4th daughter it was really noticeable. I was resolute in not wanting children, so my wife went back to birth control.
I thought everything was fine, until she suddenly announced she was pregnant. I was shocked, truly shocked. I suspected my wife wasn’t truthful and didn’t really take birth control or not regularly, and got pregnant on purpose, I have no proof though.
Eventually I warmed up to the idea of a fifth child, but was still suspicious of my wife. After our fifth child turned out to be another girl, my wife wasn’t happy, and that’s an understatement. I didn’t mind, I never really cared about our kids' gender.
One incident that illustrates my wife’s mood during this time was that I made a joke about how I am responsible for not giving her a son. She didn’t understand until I explained boys get their Y chromosomes from their father.
She made a serious face and said that maybe she should find another man then. I hoped she was joking, but she looked serious. Nothing came of it, but we were cold to each other for awhile afterwards.
I decided to get a vasectomy to not have another “surprise” because my wife started talking about wanting a boy again. A few days ago I had the operation and I didn’t tell her beforehand. When I came home and told her what I did, she freaked out.
She started crying and screaming that I was taking away her dream of having a boy. She called me quite a lot of things. I told my friends, and some of them thought I was an a**%ole for not telling my wife. So, AITAH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NTA. Just like every woman has a right to their reproductive decisions, so do men. If you don't want any more children it is absolutely your right to have a vasectomy.
Your wife should probably see a therapist though. Gender disappoint is very common but without intervention she will likely develop resentment to the five girls she has.
It's damned if you do, damned if you don't on telling the wife first for this scenario. When I had my tubal ligation it was a joint decision between my ex and I. However, there were a ton of control issues and if I would have done it had he said no I would have been 'in trouble.'
I do believe that communicating something like this is important, but at the end of the day it's not her decision and the way she was acting prior to it just emphasizes that there are some deep issues here that are way above Reddit's pay grade.
Best comment here. Reproductive rights go both ways. His body his choice.
NTA. Henrietta the VIII needs to see a therapist and also retake middle school biology.
NTA. Babies are hard. Just continuing to have them because you want a certain gender, without any regard for whether you can afford to give them a good quality of life, especially, if both partners aren't onboard, is careless, irresponsible and rude.
It's apparent from her reaction that she probably never went on birth control when she told you that she did. I would totally lose trust in my spouse at that point. It's not great that you had to get a vasectomy without consulting her and both of you making a joint decision, but it's easy to see why you were forced to.
What remains to be seen is how important having a boy was to her, and whether she will be able to get past what she perceives as a betrayal on your part. Good luck OP!
NTA, 5 kids is more than enough. You have to take care of them and provide for them, you have to spend time with them, educate them. Your wife is blinded by her desire to get a boy but is she dedicated to your daughters? 'Started crying and screaming that I was taking away her dream of having a boy.'
Yes, she was indeed faking the birth control. People often say about women 'your body, your choice' but that's also true for men. You did good taking care of your birth control. I think you have to wait a bit before it's effective. But I guess, the doctor informed you well on the matter.