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Man drained from parenting while wife works long hours walks in on her nap, gets upset.

Man drained from parenting while wife works long hours walks in on her nap, gets upset.

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"AITA for taking a day off for myself without telling my husband?"

My husband (38M) and I (40F) have been married for 8 years and have a 4-year-old son. I work for a regional park district managing the outdoor recreation/education program. Basically, I work outside 90% of the time. The summer is by far my busiest time of the year and I routinely work 6 days a week.

If I can make it work, I will take a day off during the week to offset my hours because our weekend events are the ones I'm most needed at since they are bigger (I'm salaried so don't get overtime). This is not new, I've been in this position since before my husband and I got married. He knows how busy I am this time of year.

Since our son was born, my husband has gotten increasingly grumpy during this time of year because he obviously has to be responsible for our son during the weekends when I work. We've fought about this a number of times because he feels like I should talk to my bosses about getting other people to take over some of my weekend events so he doesn't get 'stuck' with our son by himself every weekend.

I feel like he needs to suck it up because this isn't new to anyone and it's only a small portion of the year that my schedule is like this. His argument is that there is nothing he does that leaves me parenting by myself for similar amounts of time and that there needs to be more of a balance in that area. This past weekend I had events on both Saturday and Sunday, full 8 hour days in outside in the heat.

By the time I got home both nights I was exhausted and just wanted to take a shower and go to sleep. I tried to watch a movie with them Saturday night, but fell asleep on the couch. Last night I crashed by 8pm. This morning I told my husband I was going to go to work from home for a bit in the morning to offset my hours.

But after my husband took our son to daycare and I started looking at emails, I changed my mind to just take the day off and get some rest and maybe do a few things around the house. I must have fallen asleep on the couch because I woke up to my husband making himself lunch in the kitchen.

He regularly comes home for lunch because his office is nearby. I asked him how his day was going and a few other questions and he kept giving me one-word answers. I asked him if he was OK and he told me he was tired and feels like he hasn't gotten a break all summer and it's frustrating for him to come home and see me napping when I told him I was going to work from home.

I told him I was still tired from the weekend and decided to take the day off. He said he's tired too and that I need to start doing a better job of taking his needs into consideration as well instead of just focusing on my own. He said it's not fair to him to work 5 days a week, then be solo parent all weekend while all I do is work and sleep.

I told him that summer is almost over so my weekends will free up again soon. But all he said was 'Since you're rested now, you can pick up son from daycare. I won't be home for dinner.'

People had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

KronkLaSworda wrote:

YTA. Not for the day off. Everyone should get one from time to time. YTA because you're husband is 100% parent during every weekend of the summer months, in addition to also having a full time job Mon-Fri.

He's asked you to talk to your bosses about getting more people, but you've refused. So I guess this is life for him now. June-August, full time parent every weekend. Also all of the household chores on the weekend. Cooking, mowing, etc. You've dumped too much on him and your answer is basically 'Suck it up.'

MoMoJangles wrote:

YTA. You don't refute what he said - that there are not times where you are solely picking up all parenting duties for him.

He’s not complaining about being a dad and parenting, he’s upset that you’re stretching yourself so thin that you can’t be an equal partner and parent AND are unwilling to even ask if it’s possible for your responsibilities to be shifted so you can have the schedule your responsibilities require. If you were a man and he was a woman you’d be ripped to shreds in this sub over this.

I’m interested to know why you can’t/won’t try to delegate at work to alleviate some of this stress on your husband. Like, is it an income thing where you are the primary breadwinner and can’t afford to rock the boat at work? If so, how do you help him refill his emotional tank after your busy season? If I were him I’d feel pretty taken for granted.

soog0704 wrote:

YTA for refusing to compromise. Yes, this is your schedule every year, but it sounds like you made zero effort to change your availability even after having a kid. Being a parent is a 24/7 job, and it's a job that you and your husband share. This means making sure that you have enough time allotted each day to spend time actually parenting.

Sometimes, it's just not feasible and that's okay. If you have the power to decide how to allocate your hours throughout the week, you have the power to make sure you can have some time off on weekends to relieve your husband.

You mention that you got home from work on the weekend and immediately passed out, so it's not like you're making any effort to be a parent even while you're not at work. I completely understand having a demanding job, but that isn't an excuse to pass 100% of your parental responsibilities to your partner for a third of each year and expecting him to 'suck it up.' He needs a break.

WrestleBox wrote:

Can't you guys get a sitter or family member to watch the kids on occasion?

Having every weekend of your summer booked for you in advance sucks. There is probably s#$t he wants to do too and everyone deserves a break now and then.

dazedkatwoman wrote:

Sounds like YTA. You have a family now. You can't pretend you don't just because this is a busy time of year. It's incredibly unfair to make your husband take on every weekend in the summer because your boss can't figure out how to keep employees and you won't put your foot down about an occasional weekend.

It doesn't sound like hubs is asking for every weekend, just for you to give a little. You're willing to sacrifice your family for work. Are you willing to do a little of the reverse?

OP is definitely TA in this situation, and if she doesn't take a minute to consider her husband's need for a break, it could drastically affect their marriage.

Sources: Reddit
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