Man's wife says his frugality 'embarrassing'; he says 'I don't want to show my wealth.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife I do not want to live more in line with my wealth/social status?"
I have been with my wife since university, we have been together for 14 years married for 8. My practice has been doing very well, and I do have joint finances with my wife. We have recently been arguing more about money. I am a frugal person when it comes to things materialistic items. I am all for spending on trips and adventures and we do so often.
I just despise spending money on items that overly show my wealth. My wife has made claims that it is unfair and embarrassing that we live the way we do. She wants to be more in line with her friends.
I have told her countless times that is simply not my style, I am fine with what we have I do not need to show off or prove something to others. I do understand and see people do talk about us but I just don't care.
Should I have listened to my wife's pleas and given her the finer things so to speak so she would feel more included or less of an outcast?
People gave their honest opinions.
Living-Highlight7777 had a key question:
'I do understand and see people do talk about us.' What do they say? Are we talking, 'why do Joe and Sue drive 2018 Hondas and not 2023 BMWs?' Or are we in the realm of 'why is Joe and Sue's house falling apart?'
And OP answered:
Former, they question why we live in the area that we do and why my casual attire is so juvenile among other things.
Simple-Ad-5964 wrote:
This sounds like me and my husband. :D
My husband is very frugal - is more interested in the utilitarian aspects of things. I like pretty, shiny things. It actually works when you realize it's a good thing to let the other partner have their way once in a while.
My husband makes sure I don't run our finances into the ground with my extravagant tastes and I make sure he doesn't drive around in a car that looks like he's been cooking m#th in the trunk. So - NAH, just try to find a balance where you can both be happy.
bigmayne23 wrote:
Going to tell you now you're going to be facing one of two choices here very shortly.
You give in to your wife's materialistic desires and spend more money.
Your wife will divorce you and take half of what you own so she can live the lifestyle she wants.
You're NTA for wanting to be frugal, but be careful here. You’re very close to losing half your s#$t.
Basic-Regret-6263 asked for more details:
Info: what kind of things? Does she want you to wear something other than old sweatpants, or does she want a Ferrari?
And OP divulged:
We do not have Ferrari money. She would like me to buy a luxury car, wear more age-appropriate clothing, and buy a larger house in a more affluent zip code. I have a thing about debt, I hate it. Which does prevent me from spending large sums of money. I am driving the same car I had in university.
I know status is important for appearance's sake and is necessary to play the game at times.
I will rent a higher-end car if I need to go to a public event or something. I do hate it, I feel weird doing so.
Wandering_aimlessly9 wrote:
No one sucks here. But here is the thing…neither is wrong but neither is right. Your wife deserves some nice things and you deserve to have savings. You guys need to make compromises. My husband and I are getting ready to move. We are working on compromises of his desire for a really nice home vs my desire for a frugal home lol.
I feel you I really do. I’m working on realizing that he deserves nice and so do I. (I wonder if part of my issues are that I don’t feel I deserve nice bc I grew up in an emotionally abusive home) So my question is this…why do you think you should live in a poverty-style way when you make a decent amount of money?
After receiving a lot of different feedback, OP jumped on with a few updates:
UPDATE: Thanks for all the replies, and insight. I will speak with her in the morning and try to come up with a compromise. Maybe I will suggest she can go back to work part-time. I will still cover every joint expense and the money she gets from work she can use however she sees fit.
UPDATE: Did not expect to see this blowup. I have been given a lot to think about and have been enjoying the discussion that is being had. I do appreciate it.
Hopefully, OP and his wife can come to a mutually beneficial understanding of their finances, so neither feels bamboozled.