Man in wheelchair wants to join wife's girls' night in; she says no, she needs space.
"AITA for not letting my husband sit with us during girls night in?"
My husband (35) is disabled. He's in a wheelchair and is home 24/7. Because he needs me around to assist him, I have him and his chair nearby while I do laundry or cook or clean.
He's with me most of the time except for when I go to the bathroom, but even then he'd complain about me being away for so long. I don't even go out shopping. Everything gets delivered to our home.
I haven't seen my girlfriends for a while, and have arranged to start having girl night ins at my place since I can't be away from home, especially at night. I asked my husband for some privacy when my friends come and he took it badly. He took it me being annoyed and bothered by him. I assured him it wasn't like that.
He said if that's true then I should let him sit with us during girls night in. I absolutely refused and tried explaining that my friends and I need privacy, and that this is the only time we spend together.
I also explained that having him sit with us would ruin the purpose of girls night in. He threw a hissy fit and called me selfish and rude for refusing. He started giving me the cold shoulder, saying until I agree to include him, he will not be speaking to me. AITA for choosing 'this hill' to die on according to him?
Edits from OP:
I haven't gone out in a while–haven't seen my friends or even family in a while because he wouldn't go with me and also refuses to stay home with someone else to look after him. He even wouldn't let me be out of sight for more than few minutes.
I sometimes have to bring him near the bathroom so he can wait for me with the DOOR OPEN. He isn't sociable by nature, so he doesn't have friends. The only 2 friends he had showed their true color after he became disabled and put him at a distance.
About the girls night in issue. He said he would not let my friends in if I continue to exclude him which caused a major argument between us.
Here's what people had to say:
bendytoepilot says:
NTA he's using his disability to guilt trip you into having no friends or time for yourself. It is unbelievably creepy and wrong he complains about you having bathroom breaks. He is toxic and controlling
imhere4blkpeople says:
He is isolating and punishing you. Let him know you will be setting boundaries if this behaviour continues. Either he seeks therapy to deal with his new reality or he risks losing you. He doesn't need you 24/7. I would go further and say the girls night in will be a girls night out. NTA but he is.
VerityPee says:
NTA. This is abuse. You would be well within your rights to leave this relationship - the bathroom thing alone is completely abnormal. He won’t ‘let’ you do things? It’s not up to him.
Graycat17 says:
It is so unbelievably common for newly disabled people who slip into depression to turn that into abusive, guilt tripping behavior. You have to leave him. This behavior is super abusive and controlling and it will NOT get better. It will be hard. He will accuse you of not caring. He will try to turn family against you.
activelyresting says:
I can answer as a disabled person who is mostly house-bound, uses a wheelchair and is heavily dependant on my Person to assist: Your husband needs therapy. That isn't healthy mentally. This isn't a safe dynamic.
Normal-Height-8577 says:
NTA, and sweetheart, you need respite care. You cannot be alone together forever. You need to get out of the house and see other people, and so does he, no matter how unsocial he is. And you both need privacy from each other.