My wife Jenna (28F) and I (32M) had our daughter Averlea 6 months ago. We’ve been together for 10 years and married for 3.
We both live out of state from our families and neither of us have the best relationship with them, though Jenna’s family have made a lot of effort to come and visit, mend bridges, and interact with Averlea since she was born. My family (mom 52F, stepdad 55M, 3 younger brothers 17-21M) live an extra few hours away and are yet to meet her.
It’s important to note that my mom and Jenna do NOT get along. Mom has always had something to say about Jenna, and the older Jenna’s gotten, and the longer it’s gone on, the less Jenna has been willing to let it go over her head. This has resulted in us spending the last 10 years doing separate holiday visits.
My plan this year was to drop Jenna at her parents place safely after the flight and then carry on the extra 3 hour drive with Averlea to mine, and then pick her up on December 23rd so we could spend Christmas Day as a family. Jenna’s response was simply “No.”
In our house, no is usually a complete sentence, but I asked her why and her response was, “We talked about this when I was pregnant. You never had my back with your mom so I don’t trust you to advocate for Averlea, and since she’s made no effort to be around her, I’m not comfortable with letting you take our baby into that environment without me, and I am not going to go somewhere it’s evident I’m not wanted.”
I brought up the fact that I want my daughter to know my step/parents and her side of the family and that Jenna was stopping that from happening, and how unfair it was to my mom given that her parents have been here at least twice a month since she’s been born and have been able to have that bonding time.
I told her I would drop her off and take Averlea anyway, or me and Averlea would fly in to my parents home airport, but one way or another she would be meeting them this Christmas.
That is when Jenna just cracked and broke. She started BAWLING and repeating how she “couldn’t believe I’d put her in that position” and when I told this story to my best friend at the pub, even he raised his eyebrow and said that it wasn’t a good move. Jenna has been sleeping on the couch and I’m beginning to feel awful and second guess everything.
WIBTA or am I right in standing my ground here?
Here's what people said in the comments:
Info, what did your mother do to your wife when she doesn't want to be near her in any way for 8 years now?
ThrowRA_wifeydrama OP explains:
My mom spent a lot of time talking shit about Jenna, making comments about her appearance and her attitude etc and I was a stupid kid and told Jenna some of these.
Then she became very closed off towards my mom and wouldn’t even try, so more negative comments, there have been a couple of incidents where mom has made a younger siblings partner an idol and a golden boy / girl and played blatant favourites.
I do absolutely have an issue and don’t in any way think it’s okay but I wasn’t going to start a fight over something when Jenna just wants nothing to do with her anyway.
YTA Jenna is right. Your mom is hostile to your wife and you don't stand up for her. Of course she's not going to trust you that you can stand up for your baby either. I don't understand why are you separated from Jenna during Christmas.
YTA. You’re just as prideful as your mom. At a minimum you’re showing your wife she can’t trust you because you lied to her. You agreed to her boundary when she was pregnant but never had any intention on following through.
YTA- if your wife said that you never had her back, she’s got all the reasons to trust that the baby might be treated or cared for in a way that she wouldn’t approve. This doesn’t mean badly cared for, just not cared as if she would.
I kind of understand her. Plus if you had an agreement during pregnancy, why breaking it? As you say her family did a lot to mend, can you say the same for your family?
Yup. Op is in the wrong and his language is revealing. He says his wife is preventing his family from meeting his side of the family. He also says that his wife is having a meltdown. He definitely doesn’t have her back. Op and wife have a 6 month old. His side of the family can make the effort to visit. YTA op