Me (F33) and my husband Chris (M36) planned a one week vacation to an out of state ski resort with our 2 kids. His cousin Martin (M38) lost his wife to cancer 6 months ago. She left behind 2 kids nearly same age as our kids (6 & 9).
My husband is devastated for his best friend's loss, (they're so close that he sees him as a friend); understandably so. He tries to help Martin and kids. But in my opinion he's been doing a little too much for them lately.
He suggested we take Martin's kids with us to the resort to get their mind off the grief a bit. I apologized and said I won't since we barely have budget to cover for our kids. He insisted, then tried offering compromises, but I still said it wouldn't work. He was obviously pissed, but dropped it eventually.
2 days before the trip, I found out that my husband booked two tickets for Martin's kids instead of our own kids. I was the one paying but he insisted on handling thd booking and making reservations.
I was stunned...I called him out on it and he apologetically talked about how Martin needs some alone time away from the kids, how the kids need a breather, and how they need this vacation more than our kids do
I flipped out at him asking if he seriously ok with prioritizing others' kids over his own. He said it wasn't about priorities, but doing what's needed to help those kids out. I asked how his own kids will react once they find out. He said, 'I'm sure they'd understand.'
I said no and decided to cancel the vacation altogether. He freaked out on me saying I can't do that and make him look small in front of his cousin and family since they praised him for this 'nice gesture.'
I refused to negotiate, but he called me horribly selfish and cruel towards grieving kids and said that he'll make sure our own kids know how I'm behaving towards the other kids by robbing them of the fun they so much need and deserve.
We haven't been talking, and he's so pissed, and he keeps throwing fit after fit about it. Claiming I ruined it for everybody when I cancelled.
I feel bad for the kids, I do but I don't think what he did was right. Aita for cancelling?
Tell your husband to stay home with his cousins kids while you take your kids on the vacation. Don’t cancel your plans on account of your husband’s need to feel like the hero.
He is free to have his cousins kids for that week at your home so his cousin can have some alone time. And you can go away on your planned vacation with your children. Everybody wins. NTA
This is gold. It is ACTUALLY a compromise. If the husband's true goal is to give everyone a 'breather,' this accomplishes said goal beautifully.
NTA. What was his plan for caretaking of your kids during the vacation?
NTA. This isn't about him actually caring for his friends kids. He is using them to look like a 'big man', and 'soooo charitable'. If he was either one of those things he would have used his own money. This is about his image.
NTA It was supposed to be a family vacation for your immediate family. I understand that your husband is being empathetic and doing his best to support his cousin, but this wasn’t how to do it.
NTA. Your kids are young. They wouldn't 'understand' they would feel rejected by their father and replaced by their cousins.