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Man laughs when wife's friend calls her out on her 'insecurities'; she's furious. AITA?

Man laughs when wife's friend calls her out on her 'insecurities'; she's furious. AITA?


"AITA for laughing when my wife's friend called her out and said she was better than her?"

I married my wife 9 years ago. As a long time browser on this sub, I know a lot of you may ask if I actually like my wife or why I married her. There are a lot of reasons. I won't put you guys to sleep though. The simple answer is I do love my wife, we share a son together and I could not imagine a life without her. My only wish is she wasn't so insecure but she is also human.

With that said, let's get started. My wife is 39 and struggles a lot with insecurity. To remedy this she has surrounded herself with friends who truthfully she thinks lesser of. A lot of her friends have been out of shape, poor, mentally unstable, and such and my wife has admitted she feels like the stable and sensible one with all of them.

When she's not talking about them like they're charity cases, she's usually insulting them. Before it's asked, my wife is in therapy and says she likes the therapist but doesn't think she's truly the issue. Now her youngest friend (31) Candy was one of the many friends my wife used for her own security.

Candy was sort of a mess as a teenager, barely passed high school, couldn't hold down a job, and was in and out of hospitals due to unmedicated mental health problems. I think my wife was probably the cruelest to her out of all her friends because Candy never really stood up for herself.

At some point, we didn't really understand how or what came over her, but Candy really did a 180, got medicated, got her degree and now is living in a nice country house, with a well-paying job, her husband, and three kids. Watching Candy change over the years has messed with my wife a lot.

She's been crueler to her and constantly insults her house, her job, even how she raises her kids and loves to mention all the mistakes Candy made when she was young. Candy never said anything until yesterday. We were at her house around a fire and my wife asked how Candy could even be a fit mom after all her mental health problems.

Candy, who was tipsy, looks at my wife and says (paraphrasing of course): "You know, when I was young, I took your words to heart, until I learned you were just as messed up as me. And I realized to fully get back at all the ways you hurt me, there wasn't a point in telling you or asking for an apology, it was simply by being better than you. And now I am."

Now I laughed, not so much out of humor but more shock. I got a death glare followed by my wife abruptly walking to the car and a threatening text she'd leave me behind if I didn't follow. We drove home in silence. When we got back my wife was crying in the bedroom.

When I tried to comfort her she chucked all my stuff in my direction and screamed to leave. I now write this at my parents who don't think I'm wrong, but at the same time, they don't like my wife. AITA?

People didn't hold back their thoughts on OP and his wife.

Effective-Celery8053 wrote:

Y T A for letting your wife behave like a s#$t person for so long. You're NTA for laughing though.

Content-Plenty-268 had a serious suggestion.

Imma join your parents here. You are NTA, but your wife is extremely messed up, and you might give some thought to taking your son and leaving before she messes him up. You are so close to her that you may not even have a good view of how being with a person like her changes your brain and your sense of reality and right and wrong. See a therapist for yourself.

My mother was like her, and I’m looking at my stepfather after their 30+ years together — he’s a husk of the man he used to be, he had to essentially toss out his own mind and replace it with hers, because it was the only way to avoid her cruelty and ab*se and survive next to her.

And OP responded:

You're not the first person to say that honestly. a lot of people have said she's toxic and unhealthy and I guess it being from my family I just assumed they didn't like her. They've told me I could do better and I took it as them wanting me to see someone else. I think I'm going to look into some help for myself, for me and my son. Thank you.

Travelcat67 had a question for OP:

NTA for laughing but why haven’t you ever talked to your wife about how she treats Candy? And Candy is a bad @$$! Good for her for finally standing up to your wife.

OP answered:

We've discussed it before. She has admitted to feeling jealous of Candy and I suggested cutting contact as it maybe healthy for both of them. My wife has tried a few times but goes back to talking with her to see what's up. Likely to say yesterday officially ended things.

ThatSwedishGal wrote:

NTA - Your wife seems really narcissistic, it’s a word that gets thrown around a lot but it really seems like it the way she deems herself more worthy than others. Especially the way she got upset when someone told her “the truth” so to speak.

If you tell her that you laughed out of shock and not at her she will probably not believe you because narcissist “wants people to hurt them” so others around them can feel sorry for them and give them attention and make them seem more worthy than the accuser and the other person In said situation.

Edit: Forgot to mention that she seems narcissistic too because she can’t see that she is in the wrong for putting others down.

PhoridayThe13th wrote:

NTA. Love doesn’t negate facts. Your wife is an insufferable bully who uses others to make herself feel competent and superior! I’m sure you didn’t even mean to laugh. But I’d laugh too. Wifey had that reality check coming, and Candy has a point. The best revenge is living well!

I’m not saying couples therapy or divorce are the answer. That’s for you to sort. But you’re NTA in this situation, and I cannot imagine sharing my bed or my life with that type of person, let alone a child. Good luck, man.

In the end, OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a%#$ole:

1. My wife has had only friend who was a train wreck in her younger days. my wife hung out with her because of self esteem issues. now friend is successful and my wife is more insecure than ever. friend called her out on it and I laughed.

2. I feel my wife deserved to hear what she did. I don't like her behavior when it comes to her insecurity.

Sources: Reddit
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