Money is one of the top reasons people get divorced, and it makes sense when you consider how money changes the landscape of every part of your life. From where you live to how you live, how you manage money (and the amount you have access to) radically changes what life looks like. And if you don't have similar philosophies as your spouse, it can create major conflict.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for not wanting to buy a house with his wife. He wrote:
My wife and I have been married for about two years and have been renting the entire time we’ve been together. We’ve talked about buying a house together in the future but the problem is that she can’t save money. We live in a two bedroom apartment because she needs 1 to be her walk-in closet.
She has the newest iPhone, Apple Watch, AirPods, and AirPods Max. She just bought herself a Tesla while I’m driving a 2015 Honda. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. In fact, I’m perfectly okay with her spending her own money because we’re both young and she deserves to enjoy her life. Recently her aunt announced that she’ll be moving into a retirement community and will be selling her house.
Since they are close, she offered to sell it to us before listing it. She wants $75,000 down and is willing to finance the purchase for us. Honestly, it’s a good deal but the problem is my wife has less than $500 saved so I’ll have to pay the entire $75,000. The monthly payments for the house will be more than our rent so I’ll have to cover the difference as my wife can’t pay more.
Then there’s the yearly $6,500 in property tax which I will have to pay for myself. Lastly, the house needs a new roof which will cost $18,000. She and her aunt were talking like it’s a done deal but all I see is a bunch of money I have to pay out all on my own. I told her Friday that we should pass on this one. She kept on saying what a great deal it is and that we’ve always planned on getting a house to start a family.
After hours of discussions, I got tired and told her we will get a house when she gets past her spending phase and starts the saving phase. I pointed out all the costs I listed above and she was really hurt. She cried and said that we’re supposed to be a team then went to bed. She hasn’t spoken to me since Friday night and we’re supposed to go to her parents for dinner tonight.
Her aunt will be there and I know the house thing will come up. Am I wrong for not wanting to buy the house by myself?
Sir, there is no other way to say this: You have chosen a wife very, very, very imprudently. This woman will lead you to financial ruin before you can even believe it. You’re an enable to someone who believes she is entitled to live beyond her means at any cost. Even if that means she’ll drag you down with her.
This is someone who doesn’t understand the concept of self-regulation or telling herself no. she lives for instant gratification. You will end up in a mountain of bills that you’ll never be able to dig yourself out of. You will be a slave to creditors, collection, agencies, etc. That will be your fate. Do with that what you will.
A f#$king Tesla. With $500 to her name.
For the f#$king love of God, open your eyes
NTA. Assuming the two of you have split finances, your wife needs to be prepared to pay half the down payment and half the mortgage, property taxes, insurance, and maintenance costs for the house. If your wife wants the house, she can sell her a Tesla to pay for her share of the down payment.
NTA, but I don't understand people that marry others who are so different in their attitudes to finances. Have you talked to her about saving more?
NTA but it's all about the approach. Instead of grilling her on her finances and what she spends money on, perhaps tackle it like - here's what I can contribute realistically to the house if we buy it, what will be you portion? That sets things up as something you're looking at solving together vs. you telling her she's not pulling your own weight.
If you do get the house, make sure it's under your name and yours only because she's not paying any.
Hi all and thanks for reading. I’m going to answer some of your questions.
I’m 29 and she’s 25.
We both work full-time. She makes about $85,000 and I make about $150,000.
Her aunt got several quotes on the roof. The roof is old, not damaged so insurance won’t cover it. I’ve never own a house so I don’t know how it works but that’s what she told us.
There are other things the house needs to be done to it but the roof is the immediate need. The insurance guy said it needs to be done before the current coverage runs out and they offer new coverage.
She went to a realtor and had the house appraised. She offered to sell to us below the appraised price and finance without any interest which is why I said it’s a good deal.
Our rent is $1300 a month.
Dinner is in 3 hours and I’ll update again if you all have more questions or if something happens at dinner. I’m trying to read all of your comments.
Good evening all. Dinner went as I expected. I’m going to answer some more questions.
Her aunt wants $75,000 down because she going to use that money to move into the retirement community. She said the house appraised for $400,000 but going to sell it to us for $350,000 and wants us to pay it off in 10 years. The monthly payment will be about $2,300 a month.
My wife and her aunt came to these figures based largely on how long her aunt expects to be active and wants to use the money to travel and enjoy life.cAt dinner, my wife and her family were telling me what a great deal this is. I have zero experience with buying a house but I read your replies so I didn’t really argue with them.
I calmly told them that I want an independent appraisal so that we can have the full financial information. They said the realtor already told them how much it’s worth and they have the tax appraisal. As some of you advised, I stuck to my guns and said I wanted a professional and independent appraiser.
I also told them I’m going to call my older brother and have him fly out here to help me out because he has experience while I have none. They agreed and things went smoothly after that. We’re sleeping in the same bed again and she’s happy I’m seriously considering the house. Tomorrow I’m going to find an appraiser and we’ll see what happens.
It might take a couple of weeks and I think Reddit will archive my post by then but I’ll try to give an update if anything happens. If you want to DM me, feel free to in a couple of weeks and I’ll answer you. Thanks again for reading and responding.
It sounds like OP is exploring his options to make the most informed decision possible.