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Man refuses to clean pregnant wife's 'mess'; she leaves until he 'gets his s* together.'

Man refuses to clean pregnant wife's 'mess'; she leaves until he 'gets his s* together.'

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AITA for requesting that my wife cleans up after herself?

I (28m) married my wife (23f), who we’ll call ‘Dani’, about a year ago and we were very lucky to get pregnant soon after. Dani is in her third trimester now and on pregnancy leave.

Once we got the good news, I started working extra hours in order to save more money for when the baby gets here. This means that I have to get up extra early every morning to get to work (I try to be out the door by 6AM).

I get home a little later and I’m usually pretty beat, but I still contribute to the house by doing dishes, cleaning up after the cat (coz she can’t), that kind of stuff. This new routine has been hard on both of us, but we’ve made it work and so far everything has been fine. That is, until the other day, when I wake up to Dani crying.

We only have one bathroom, which is downstairs, and lately Dani has been having a little more trouble going up and down the stairs. This usually went fine, but this time she didn’t make it. So, when I came downstairs, I found her, in tears, standing in her own mess. She was clearly very embarrassed and even more so that I ‘caught’ her.

I immediately felt bad for her, and tried to comfort her and told her it’s all good, it can happen to anyone, just clean it up and we’ll go back to bed. She asked me if I could help her, but I told her that that made me uncomfortable. I would never expect anyone to clean up after my mess.

Tbh it has happened before when I had a couple too many beers, but I always clean up after myself and it would feel weird to ask Dani to do it for me in that situation.

She got really mad and called me insensitive for making her clean up after herself after an already embarrassing enough situation.I proposed a compromise - she would clean up the mess, and I would get her clean pj’s (since I’d just done laundry anyway).

She asked me if this is what it was going to be like if the baby made a mess, and I told her I would be perfectly okay to clean up after the baby, since it can’t clean up after itself. I then told her I didn’t have time to stand there arguing with her all night when I had to get up in like three hours to go to work and provide for us. So, I walked upstairs, grabbed her pj’s for her and went back to bed.

The next morning when I got downstairs, I found her on the couch. She told me that she barely slept and felt horrible about the night before. She called me an asshole and said that by not helping her, I only embarrassed her more.

She then told me she would be staying with her mom until I got my shit together. It’s been half a day now, and she’s not responding to my texts. I talked about it with a few coworkers and I’m getting mixed responses, but I just want to make sure… AITA?

Here's what people had to say about OP's original post:

wizardconman writes:

INFO: Before writing a post that makes you out to be a bad husband, and after abandoning your wife and then sharing an extremely and personal story about her with your co-workers, why would you choose a username to mock her and the situation?

shespissed OP responded:

Didn't mean to mock her. Just popped into my head when I was making the throwaway - it just stuck; related note: I wanna show her this thread when/if we are gonna talk this out, just as a way to show full honesty etc

meli_inthecity writes:

INFO: Dani is on pregnancy leave - did the doctor put her on bed rest?

shespissed OP responded:

The doctor said she shouldn't exert herself too much, but she's not bed rest, no.

crumbxxxx writes:

Honestly dude, YTA here. Man up and help out the woman who is actively carrying your child. You pissing yourself when you’re drunk is not even remotely related to your pregnant wife struggling to move fast enough to get to where she needs to go. If it happens again, help her out. For now, I’d just apologize and acknowledge her feelings.

Aggressive_Today_492 writes:

YTA - Please do not compare pissing yourself while wasted drunk to having an accident when you are exhausted in your third trimester with a human pressing down on your bladder and pelvic floor.

Gold-Carpenter7616 writes:

Up to 25% of women stay incontinent after a pregnancy. It might be something she will have to bear for the rest of her life, just because she brought his kid into the world. He should worship the floor she is standing on for her going through this, bearing his child. He chose to be an asshole.

Update from OP the next day:

So I wanted to post this before going to work, while it’s still fresh in my memory. Basically not much had happened since I posted the original thread, until Dani came home later that night. Her mom was with her, but she only helped her load up stuff and didn’t look at me or address me once.

While her mom was packing Dani’s things, Dani sat down in the living room and I joined her. I told her we needed to talk about what happened and she reluctantly agreed.

She explained to me that for her to get down and up on her knees to clean the floor was painful and that it was borderline cruel to expect that of her.

I told her that if she was having so much trouble moving, that she should’ve told me sooner, so we could have worked on a solution together. And if she had explained it to me calmly yesterday, then I would’ve reacted differently.

She thought it was too much to ask of her to spell everything out, and that I need to be more present, both during the pregnancy and after. I told her that was difficult for me to hear, as I feel that I already contribute significantly and don’t wanna feel like she doesn’t see that.

She expressed that she does appreciate me putting in extra time at work, but that she also needs emotional support, especially in situations like last night’s. I agreed with her to an extent, but I did try to make sure she understood why I found the situation uncomfortable in the moment, which, after some explaining, she did.

I briefly considered telling her that I talked about it at work and showing her the thread, but I’ll take reddit’s advice to heart and keep that to myself. I won’t delete the posts - she’s not on reddit anyway. So we concluded on the following things:

Dani will be staying with her mom (she does have a bathroom on every floor) until we’ve figured out a way for her to sleep downstairs comfortably (i.e. not on the couch or an air mattress).

I’ve apologized sincerely for making her discomfort worse, and she in turn apologized for blowing up at me the way she did, and we mutually agreed we were gonna work on it.

For those of you wishing that Dani leaves me: I love my wife very much, in the five years we’ve been together we’ve never had anything like this, and I’m determined to make us work again - and so is she. So, all in all, I think things will turn out alright. Thanks for your insights, reddit, and for making me see that I acted a little out of line.

Here's what people had to say after OP's update:

GraceStrangerThanYou writes:

He told his coworkers? That his wife peed on the floor and he refused to help her? Wow. For starters, why would you expose her like that and how is letting them know you're a selfish jerk going to help you there?

CamBG writes:

I hope she does leave him. He doesn’t seem to really love her at all.

632nofuture writes:

I doubt he's able to love anybody the way normal people do. This lack of empathy ain't normal.

LeeLooPeePoo writes:

And he claims he would have helped if she asked for help and explained that being pregnant is painful and exhausting. Ugh, this guy is SO selfish, even when he's been told he was wrong he was concerned about making sure she acknowledged his 'side'.

Like dude... it's a freaking partnership you're on the same damn side and it's all win or lose together.

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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