'AITA for wanting my husband to give me money, not just pay the bills?'
"AITA for wanting my husband to give me money, not just pay the bills?"
ADAMAR1E
I (F35) moved to the US to be with my spouse (M40). When I arrived I had remote work and some savings. Since that work stopped I dipped in my savings paying for little expenses for myself and the household. Fast forward to 6 mos later the money ran out. My husband refuses to give me any money for my personal use.
Not for grand expenses but to buy personal hygiene stuff like sanitary pads, facial wash, shampoo etc. His reason was that he is providing shelter, food, utilities; what would I feel like if that was taken away (said as a joke). I was made to feel he's providing, just not pampering/spoiling. What little funds I get occasionally are from stuff back home I sell online.
He earns more than enough for a family of 2. No child support, alimony, debt or big loans. I know because he doesn't hide his pay slip, investment statements, etc. He gave me proof of his assets when we submitted immigration papers. He's just a tightwad.
I was expecting access to funds for the household expenses, not everything he has. I asked to make me an extension of his card in the meantime but got a big NO. He buys groceries but tailored for what he likes. During the times I asked for grocery money, he once gave me $20 for a week and had the gall to ask for change.
Once he gave me $60 and I had to itemize what I bought. The times he brought me to an Asian grocery to buy what I want/need it ended with scrutinizing the cart. Those trips felt like I was suppose to hail him for the grand effort.
I'm upset because of the indignity of having literally nothing. Again, not for crazy expenses. There are days when I like a cup of coffee to unwind, a cheap pair of shoes, a new book. I don't even consider them luxury, it is for mental health. I feel bad lying to friends I can't join a simple lunch because I don't have money. He has said it is up to me to find funds if I want to do something like that.
He said he knew me as a strong independent woman. When we met I was employed! I've been confronting him but I end up crying and made to feel it is my fault for not saving enough to cover this period until I can work again.
He tells me this each time. He insists it is not as if I'm paying for necessities (rent, electricity, wifi, cable). He thinks providing the bare minimum is enough. I just tell myself when I can work & earn my own money, I wont feel this bad. He said he's not expecting me to share half of the expenses when the time comes.
But, this period of waiting isn't good for me mentally. I feel undignified not only about the unmet needs but feeling there is no 'we/us' in this situation. Asking an allowance as a wife feels so WTF already. I'm a partner not a child.
So, AITA for hating on spouse who isn't giving me money or am I just being entitled? In an interracial marriage, I feel I have to make wider leeway for cultural differences but I also don't want to gaslight myself.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
aemondstareye
He asked you to move to a country where you can't legally work and won't help you buy shampoo? And he's your husband? Yeah, NTA. Huge red flag.
Early-Tale-2578
Forget shampoo she can’t even buy pads that’s a huge necessity her husband is an complete a**@ole.
SummitJunkie7
OP should hang around for one more menstrual cycle, free bleed on all his furniture, and then leave the a**hole.
Ok_Pool5377
NTA. Not allowing you personal hygiene? That’s bad. Get a job… anything and start saving money. Leave his ass. If you can, move back where you are from, I’m assuming you have family there. There is no way I’d stay the allotted time to get a green card. Good luck.
The OP responded here:
ADAMAR1E
Ngl, a part of me feels I won't feel this bad if I have my own money but what if it happens again right? I was already exposed to the kind of partner he is in this time of crisis, although a personal one. :(
Sirealism55
You should probably acquaint yourself with divorce laws for green card holders... just in case it does happen again.
ForeverNugu
Is this really the kind of person you want to be married to? NTA
The OP again responded.
ADAMAR1E
This aspect aside im still hanging on to the other qualities that made me commit. Money issues used to be not a hard nonnegotiable because hey that's just money but maybe I did feel that bec i was employed then and have my own funds. :(