Man skips child's birth to cover for coworker; wife considers ending marriage. Updated!
'AITA for missing the birth of my first child so a mate could be with her dying grandfather?'
This is a horrible situation and I need to know if my wife is justified.
My wife gave birth to our first baby 3 days ago. We've had a rough few years with 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth at 37 weeks. So my wife was terrified this whole pregnancy. I am a firefighter and was on duty when my wife went into labour.
Her doctor said that it would likely be a while so I decided to stay at the base for a little longer because it is about mayhem and we're never enough people anyway. Then one of my mates gets a call that her grandfather had a heart attack and will probably not make it. Obviously she was devastated.
Things got really hectic we got called out to another fire and our captain said one of us could go but not both. I told my colleague not to worry she should go and spend time with her grandfather since it will be her last chance. So I had to go out and missed the birth of my child.
I got there 2 hours after my girl was born. I felt horrible and apologised profusely to my wife but she just yelled at me, said I let her down in the scariest moment of her life and then told me to leave. So I left and waited in the hallway. It's been 3 days and she refuses to say anything apart from the bare minimum related to the baby.
They can leave tomorrow and she's informed me that she was going to stay with her sister who recently had a baby too until she 'knows what to do about our relationship or what's left of it'.
I understand that it must have been scary for her but my reasoning is that only one of us could leave and I will have a whole life to be with my child whereas my mate only had a few hours with her loved one left
Here's what people had to say about the original post:
Cadence_828 writes:
I just had a baby after a miscarriage and I absolutely would not have been able to get through it without my husband there with me. This is an incredibly sad situation, but the wife is justified in her feelings.
SassyReader86 writes:
He chose a female friend (which new mom will notice) over his wife and his new child.
NateHeupel writes:
YTA - 1. We've had a rough few years with 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth at 37 weeks. So my wife was terrified this whole pregnancy. Child birth in a best case scenario is positively terrifying. Immense pain, high stress, and enormous stakes. In your wife's case, ramp that up by a factor of 100.
Imagine facing your worst fear ALONE and in screaming pain then the one person you should count on chose not to be there.
2. Her doctor said that it would likely be a while so I decided to stay at the base for a little longer because it is about mayhem and we're never enough people anyway. You've already screwed up so badly and you don't see it.
In your situation, there was one and only one right decision: Stay by her side every moment. She's terrified, and not just for baby. In those sorts of pregnancies, mom is in danger too. You chose the 'eh, whatever' option and you're already bordering on irredeemably insensitive.
3. I will have a whole life to be with my child Really? You sure about that, FIREMAN?!? I never knew firefighting was such a low risk profession. I always thought every day on the job could be your last on Earth. Think your wife might have that fear too?
You had a bad choice, but an easy one. Choice one was 'your wife and child,' choice two was 'your job and your friend.' You chose the latter and your wife has every right to be furious. Not the least of your issues is that you do not see where you went wrong. Before you utter another word to her, figure that out.
Don't just say you get it...UNDERSTAND IT. Don't say stupid things like 'I see why you're so mad.' Say things like 'I understand that I failed you when you needed me most.' This will save your marriage.
There are moments in a marriage where you don't get to be a husband and something else. This is one of them. You didn't get to be 'a husband, firefighter, and a bloody good mate.' As to your friend's grandfather, I say tough s$#t.
That wasn't your problem or priority. You made a lifetime commitment to put your wife first, and you put her second to your job and friend when it mattered most to her.
Thanks for your very lengthy comment mate. From all the responses I can see that clearly I screwed up. I'll try to apologise again and if she forgives me I'll try to be a better husband in the future.
Update from OP 4 months later:
Many of you said how it wasn't about being there for the baby but that I should have been there for my wife. You were absolutely right. I acknowledged my mistakes and apologised to my wife. I suggested we get therapy and she agreed. We're all back home together now and have been for a while. Things are good for us and we're happy with our little family.
For those of you who suspected that I cheated with my work mate, you were wrong. I may have been an a^%ehole in how I dealt with my wife giving birth but I would never cheat. I love my wife very much and I'm happy she's given me another chance and intend on being the best husband and dad that my family could wish for.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
refusestopoop writes:
I just read that post and it made me bawl. I feel so bad for your poor wife having to go through labor alone having lost a baby during the first labor.
Miimmoouuu writes:
It breaks my heart. I truly don’t think I could’ve forgiven my husband if he ever did that. It seems to me the ultimate sign that he wouldn’t care about me or our family, and that his friend would be more important than me giving birth to his child, alone, along with already having experienced trauma.
This guys is very very lucky that his wife has given him a second chance. Blows my mind.
AllaireSophia18 writes:
I get that firefighters are family, but I question the foundation of any “family” that would know about his wife’s previous stillbirth and not shove him out the door to be by her side. What a toxic environment there seems to be at this firehouse! I wonder if OP shouldn’t look to transfer somewhere else.
NoMrBond3 writes:
She is a Saint honestly but I wouldn't be surprised if she lost a lot of trust and respect for him. He got the call that his wife was in labor, and just, decided not to go? Then he placed himself in a situation where he left her alone in the hospital? Honestly, I'm kind of sad that she did forgive him. She deserves better.