Communicating with your spouse is crucial for a healthy marriage, even if it feels uncomfortable finding the words.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for not telling his wife that his sister died. He wrote:
My (35M) sister died 3 weeks ago. My wife had only met her once since she lived quite far away and every time I went to see her my wife didn't come. My dad told me that she'd died and told me when her funeral was. I traveled down for the funeral and I told my wife I was going to see my sister, which wasn't really a lie.
A few days after I got back home my brother called my wife and told her to check up on me since I hadn't been answering his calls and texts. I guess she asked why he was so worried and my brother told her about my sister dying. My wife got really upset at me for not telling her and she said that I can't trust her and that I should "talk to her instead of bottling up my feelings."
I explained that I didn't tell her because I knew she'd worry and expect me to talk about how I feel. It's very sweet of her for worrying about me but she doesn't need to. It's like she doesn't understand that I don't talk about how I feel unlike her. She's barely spoken to me since, she said that she feels betrayed. I didn't mean to upset her so much I just didn't want to deal with her constant worrying. AITA?
Soft YTA because you lost a sister. But how you could not tell your wife something as important as "my sister died". You got the news, made travel plans, travelled, went to a funeral, came home, and at no time told your spouse that a member of your immediate family passed away. Whether you were close to your sister or not, that's a major thing to deal with without sharing any of it with your spouse.
When you said you were "going to see your sister" and chose not to include that it was for her funeral you lied by omission. And if I were your wife I'd wonder how many other major things you've chosen not to tell me. I can't imagine being so emotionally constipated that I don't even tell the person I'm supposed to love and trust as much as I would a spouse something like this.
YTA. You lied to your wife. That’s simply not okay. It appears you don’t want to talk to anyone about your feelings. Your wife, your brother, are both concerned about you.
They are your family. It’s their responsibility to check on you & ask if you’re okay. You can’t just ignore them forever. If you don’t want to deal with your feelings with your family then find someone else to talk to. Anyone. A stranger. Pour your feelings out on Reddit. Just talk to someone. I’m sorry for your family’s loss.
YTA. This is the “for better, or for worse” part of marriage. The whole point is that you look out for and take care of each other. A sibling dying is a big thing, and not telling her about it is a huge breach of trust.
This is really a betrayal. If you can't tell your own wife that your sister died, what else are you keeping from her? What else don't you want her to worry about? Everything? I would reconsider my relationship with you. YTA.
I think she’s upset that you didn’t rely on her for such an important event. She probably does want to support and console you and doesn’t understand how you can be “fine.”
Another part of her is probably worried that if you didn’t tell her about this, what other emotionally significant events are you keeping to yourself and probably worried about you. I wouldn’t say that you're an AH but I would recommend trying to let her in a little bit.
Grieving or not, OP is clearly the AH here, this is a massive thing to keep from a spouse.