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Man tells wife her friend needs to stop staying over, wife says 'she's houseless.'

Man tells wife her friend needs to stop staying over, wife says 'she's houseless.'


Setting guidelines for hosting guests is one of the hardest parts of living with a spouse. But if you don't set some guidelines, you're bound to butt heads eventually.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for asking his wife to kick her friend out after she stayed a few nights in a row. He wrote:

"AITA for asking my wife to ask her friend to leave?"

My wife has a friend, we can call her “Berta.” Berta likes to show up unannounced, often in an emergency, and late at night. My wife has been friends with Berta for years and through rougher circumstances. I’ve seen my wife wake me up and herself up in the middle of the night to go pick up Berta from the airport. We’ve offered Berta a place to stay on our couch in the past.

The problem is Berta never really asks, nor does my wife. I show up, she is already there, and my wife asks if it’s okay she uses our bathroom to get ready for work but doesn’t ask if it’s okay Berta even stays the night. Berta has stayed a few nights now. Each day, waits until evening and I say something and my wife says that the day is included in asking to stay for the night. Then another night passes.

I come home today, after a stressful day and expect to get some privacy. I go to my bedroom and Berta is sleeping in my bed, with my wife. Talking about their day. I passive-aggressively texted my wife that I had to take a massive. Stinking. Crap. And I hope Berta doesn’t mind hearing or smelling it. Both got upset. I feel like my boundaries and consent is being violated. I’m tired. I just want to be home at peace.

I just want to be gross in peace. I want quiet again in my home so I can grade. I want to watch my shows in peace. My wife thinks I’m being cruel, that I have too many rules, and like she can’t have friends. Only today she let me know Berta is houseless and has nowhere to go. So I guess she is staying longer? My wife says since it’s her house too I can’t say what happens with her guests.

Money is tight for us as is. I support us on my own income. And Berta uses a lot of electricity while I’m at work and eats our food. I’m upset my wife didn’t tell me this before I said yes. I want my wife to have friends, I really do. But this friend overstayed her welcome. AITA for asking my wife to make this friend leave?

The internet had a lot to say.

Princess_Poppy_Dega wrote:

NTA. Set a date for when Berta needs to leave. (48 hours is a good amount of time.) Be ready to change the locks if needed. If your wife is so concerned with Berta, she is welcome to go crash with her somewhere else. Are we sure Berta isn't sleeping with your wife? Why is she in your bed? Who tf does that?

OP responded:

Should I be worried about my wife sleeping with this woman? I’m also concerned at how much of my sleep, my privacy, and my work comes after Berta. Regardless of sex, I’m trying to figure out why Berta comes first before me.

IamIrene wrote:

"I come home today, after a stressful day and expect to get some privacy. I go to my bedroom and Berta is sleeping in my bed, with my wife."

Holy invasion of privacy, dude! Lines being crossed everywhere but that takes the cake. O_O You're NTA but could quickly become one if you don't lay down your boundaries with your wife and her friend. You do deserve peace and privacy in your own home.

Berta needs to go. Your wife may think you're cruel for demanding that your boundaries be respected but I bet she wouldn't appreciate finding you and one of your friends asleep in her bed when she gets home from the store.

OP responded:

I know I responded childishly and I regret it. I really do. But seeing someone lay on my side of the bed and on my pillow without telling me? I’m not even assuming cheating. Which could naturally be assumed. I mostly just don’t want my stuff, especially my pillow being touched by someone without being asked.

tan_sandoval wrote:

NTA. Having someone crash at your place is a 2 yes, 1 no situation. Your wife absolutely needed to speak to you about it before inviting Berta to live in the home you share. Especially when that would place you in financial hardship because your wife isn't working. Honestly, maybe your wife needs to start working.

Spontaneous midnight rescue missions and having people show up unannounced will suddenly become more taxing when she has to go to work the next day or when she comes home tired from a long day at work too. Right now, it sounds like this is welcome fun for her because she might be a bit bored with not enough to do. Not to mention it would take some pressure off you financially.

But at the end of the day, you don't have a Berta problem. You have a wife problem. Your wife doesn't respect your boundaries in your home, and she doesn't seem like she wants to start. You need to have a talk with your wife where you agree on boundaries, and like I said, a chance to regularly socialize outside the home would probably go a long way in reducing her desire to bring her friends home whenever.

throwaway769526 wrote:

NTA. Get her out before she becomes a legal tenant. Who owns the house btw?

And OP responded:

Me. I don’t like pulling rank like that, but I’m the one who is listed on the mortgage/deed. Not my wife.

OP is definitely NTA, sadly, however - he might need to reevaluate his marriage if this dynamic continues.

Sources: Reddit
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