'AITA for suggesting my wife lower her standards so that she'll be less overwhelmed?'
"AITA for suggesting my wife lower her standards so that she'll be less overwhelmed?"
My wife (37f) and I (38m) have 3 kids, 12, 10, and 8. She is in a constant state of overwhelm and very easily irritated, constantly complaining how it's all too much. I'm of course happy to help and do my fair share for the kids or household, but it's never enough because her standards are too damn high.
She insists one of us has to be up at 6:45 every morning to make sure the kids are ready and make the bus which comes at 7:45. I told her they're old enough to not need that much help already. They can all dress themselves and pour themselves cereal and milk, there's no reason we have to be up.
She says that cereal isn't a good enough breakfast, they need something more substantial, especially the 12-year-old, and that the 10-year-old has ADHD and will definitely struggle without help in the morning anyway she wants to see them off and kiss them goodbye for the day.
So she gets up, I don't, and then she gets upset that I never give her a morning off when all she needs to do is just take the morning off when she wants and let the kids handle themselves. Also, she is super strict about screen time during the week and is exhausted and snappy from arguing about it with the kids and upset I don't support her strict limit of two hours a day.
I say as long as homework is done, why not until bed. She says it's not healthy for them, they need to play outside or with games and toys, read some books, just entertain themselves in more ways than 1. I agree they should enjoy other things but not seeing why we have to make such a rigid limit.
She also likes to get out on weekends and do stuff like zoos, museums etc, but then complains about the planning for the outing and how grouchy the youngest gets by the end of it, and again, I say let's just chill at home and voila, you've cut the work!
I'm an engaged and active parent, I'm not trying to get out of it, but I don't think I should have to help my wife dig herself out of her own self-created holes. She creates the stress for herself and then turns to me to alleviate it which I think is unfair. AITA for telling her she needs to do less and then she won't need this level of help?
People were pretty opinionated about the dynamics going on in this situation.
Outrageously_Penguin wrote:
YTA. Your wife’s standards are just…being a decent parent, and you are not doing your ‘fair share’ if you aren’t helping with these things you consider ‘unnecessary’. An 8-year-old and a ten-year-old with ADHD are not ready to totally get themselves ready in the morning, and you’d know that if you didn’t sleep through the morning routine every day.
Two hours of screen time a day is a totally reasonable boundary. And family time and enriching activities are also important. Maybe those can be cut down slightly, but ‘just chill at home’ all the time isn’t the answer either. Stop being lazy and become an actually engaged parent like your wife is.
theworldisonfire8377 wrote:
This is how this reads: "My wife is a hands-on, active parent who wants our children to have well-balanced meals, minimal screen time, and fun and stimulating outings and that's too much work for me, I'd prefer my kids eat whatever they can find in the kitchen without bothering me, that we stay home and do nothing and the kids play on their devices and watch TV in their spare time."
No wonder she's stressed. She sounds like a great parent, and you come off sounding lazy and disinterested in parenting your own kids. YTA.
sadmoonshark wrote:
YTA, help her out. Kids require a lot of work that you signed up for when you decided to have kids. Her “high standards “ are literally bare minimum. Every morning she is setting them up for success with no help from you which is why she’s so overwhelmed. Getting three kids ready in the mornings and making sure they are well-fed before sending them off to school is such a blessing.
The screen time is so reasonable and good that she is encouraging them to be outside and have more of a childhood. Sounds like you want them to be tablet kids to get them off your back a little more. Give her a thank you and some appreciation because she is picking up your slack. Treat her more for doing so much & become a better parent and partner before it's too late.
maptechlady wrote:
YTA. Your wife is essentially trying to enact boundaries and maintain a routine for three kids, while you are not backing her up. It has to be monumentally frustrating for her to manage 3 middle/elementary school-age kids on her own.
A lot of that stress is probably because she IS asking you to help, and because you don't see why you should have to do these things, then she's stuck organizing and corralling the kids by herself.
She probably wants to take the kids to the museum because it's fun for the kids, and you're doing that non-committal "I don't see why we have to do this so I don't want to do it" so then it's all about YOU and not about the kids at all. It's majorly invalidating her feelings and her position as a parent.
What are you doing right now, in terms of helping the kids, that makes you an active and engaged parent? While I read this post, I could just see the situation in my head - your wife doing all the work, and then when the kids complain, letting her be the bad cop all the time while you sit on the couch and say "it's fine, honey! just let them do it" and she probably wants to go in the next room and cry. Major YTA.
AgnarCrackenhammer wrote:
YTA. What exactly is your definition of an "engaged parent?" Because what I'm seeing here is you think it's unreasonable to cook elementary and middle school-aged children a decent breakfast and spend time with them so they don't rot their brain with phones and iPads.