Man's wife keeps trying to 'humiliate' him while he's at work on Zoom. UPDATED

"My [33m] wife [25f] constantly makes a conscious effort to humiliate me during my lessons over Zoom"

Here's the original post:

While under normal circumstances I would try to communicate my feelings to my wife, I am at my wits' end for how to handle this situation, as I have exhausted all of the typical conflict resolution means.

Being a teacher, I am currently giving lessons over Zoom. I recognize that studying math over Zoom isn't the most exciting thing in the world for students, and I can barely get them to even pretend to be interested in my lessons when we're in the classroom, but they have done an admirable job of staying focused. My wife is making it extremely difficult on my end, though.

Several months ago when my lessons began, I went from working long hours to being at home all day. Unfortunately my wife does not seem to understand that while I am at home, and while I can occasionally help out with a chore or two, I still have actual work to do. Between lesson prep, grading, and meetings, my schedule is quite full.

The first time she interrupted my lesson, she abruptly opened the door to the room where I was teaching and loudly asked me to do the dishes. This was unbelievably awkward as I was in the middle of teaching three dozen tenth graders geometry. I told her we would talk about it later, but not being deterred, she asked if that was a "yes" or a "no."

I said it was a "yes," but that I was in the middle of a lesson. Without a word she closed the door. I got some chuckles from the students but a bit of red-cheeked embarrassment was the extent of the damage.

The next time, two days later, she again barged in holding a pair of my pants that I left on the floor of our bedroom. She loudly stated "you need to pick up after yourself." This time, before responding, I muted my mic and turned off my camera telling her that I was in the middle of a lesson. Again, she walked away without a word.

At this point I moved my setup into the basement of our house so I could avoid further interruption. Since my basement looks like it probably has a few dead bodies buried in it, my students have begun to call me "Basement Dad," which is endearing, but I would rather teach in a room where I'm not going to get asbestos in my lungs. The trouble really began when I started locking the door to prevent interruptions.

My wife will begin by rattling the door a few times, followed by pounding on it. Then she'll groan loudly and say something negative about me. After that I can hear her walking around the house slamming doors.

A few weeks ago, she was literally jumping up and down, stomping her feet, in the room above mine. In the first months of these online lessons I set up a hotkey to mute my mic and disable my camera instantly when needed, and luckily my reflexes honed from Counter-Strike in my teens has paid off. But there have been times where she has sneaked in an embarrassing moment for me.

Every time I have patiently explained to her that I need complete quiet to teach my lessons, and she says "yeah yeah yeah OK." Then in the next lesson, without fail, she'll find something new to complain about and throw a tantrum, trying to humiliate me in front of my students.

While my mute game is on point, students have recognized something is wrong. One of my 9th graders even sent me an email asking if everything was OK. I had to make up a lame excuse about needing to mute my mic because of a sudden grinding noise that happens in my old basement. There's no way she bought that.

Since I'm unable to go out, unable to even enter the school grounds, and have no place to go to avoid my wife, I'm unbelievably anxious when I teach. I have tried talking to her calmly, and I even tried to get angry at her. When I yelled at her for forcefully sliding plastic files under the door so they'd float down in the background during my lessons, she expected me to apologize for getting angry at her.

How can I even approach this kind of problem?

TL;DR: my wife is acting ridiculous when I'm teaching lessons over Zoom. Most of the rest of the day she's normal, but during lessons she does everything in her power to sabotage me.

Here's what top commenters had to say:

[–]pallas_athenaa said:

Not to sound like a dick but why on earth would you want to be with someone so unsupportive and emotionally destructive?

[–]the_last_basselope said:

Tell her that unless she wants to go out and get a job to support the family she needs to cut the childish shit and let you do your job uninterrupted. If she still keeps acting like a 2 year old, tell her she quits immediately or you will leave to stay with family or in a hotel so that you can work.

[–]hedgeh0gburrow said:

What the F is her problem, oh my god.... Does she work? Does she need a hobby? I don’t know this woman or what her deal is, but I would try one more time to have a serious discussion with her about boundaries and not interrupting you while you’re at work because it makes your job and the students’ jobs’ harder.

If she does not understand after this next time, I would seriously examine your relationship, since she does not seem to prioritize your work. What else does she disrespect about you?

About a week and a half after his original post, he shared this update:

My first lesson after making that post, my wife went straight back to her old antics. I was in the lesson room as students gradually joined, talking to a student who was interested in luxury cars. At some point during the conversation, I said “yeah I think I’d have to go with the Lamborghini there.”

I heard from behind the door in the basement where I was teaching “LaMBorGhiNi” in the sarcastic exaggerated tone of voice that kids will use to mock you. I realized she was being childish again, but figured she’d eventually tire herself out.

A few minutes after the lesson started, I used the word “circumference” to describe a word problem. I then heard “ciRCuMFeREnCe” from behind the door at the top of the stairs, followed by giggling.

Since the timing was right, as I was about to have the students take a shot at a problem, I set them to the task, muted my mic/disabled my camera, and quietly crept up the stairs. I suddenly opened the door to find my wife with a cup over her ear pushed against the door so she could hear me.

I whisper-shouted at her for her behavior for about a minute. I asked if she was five years old and what the hell was wrong with her. She feigned fear and shock as if I had held her against the wall with my hands wrapped around her throat, which made me just sigh and go back downstairs to finish my lesson.

For the rest of the lesson she was quiet, but after it I went upstairs to bring up what she did. She started asking if I was going to yell at her again. I responded that I wouldn't, and I tried to get back on topic, but no matter what I said about her behavior, her response was the same.

When I brought up her stomping in the room above before, “are you going to yell at me again?” When I brought up her sliding plastic files under the door during a lesson before, “oh, are you going to yell at me again?” When I brought up anything she has done during lessons, the answer was the same, over and over again.

There is absolutely no way to broach the topic with her now. I called her doctor and said that her behavior is erratic, and that she might have PPD. The doctor said that he could ask about it when she came in, but there is not much else he could do.

The next day I tried to sit my wife down for a calm discussion about the possibility of her having PPD, to which she responded she had PTSD from my “abusive shouting.” Right. When I suggested therapy, together, she said “oh, to fix your anger management problems? Sounds good.”

I teach in my car in front of a Starbucks now. Outside of lesson time we haven't really had any issues, and now that I'm outside the house teaching, we are strained but stable. I know this is not a very satisfactory outcome, but I think she has deep underlying issues that are going to need professional intervention.

When I said I would happily go to therapy with her to find a solution to our communication issues, she told me that I should go alone. I think that may actually be a good step because having a neutral party to listen to my worries and guide me towards better de-escalation tactics would be highly beneficial. I could also try to entice her to join gradually.

TL;DR: my wife has no desire to change. I’m going to start therapy alone and see if I can’t get her to join. Her doctor will bring up the possibility of PPD in her next appointment.