When a marriage is in a bad spot, it can be hard to get through to your partner and feel like both your needs are being honored.
While direct communication and calm conversation is the healthiest way to resolve simmering tension, sometimes things escalate into more active confrontation.
AITA (38M) for cutting back on work to prove a point to my wife (30F)?
My wife is usually an angel of a woman, but has recently gotten into a friendship with a woman whom I personally believe is a bad influence on her, not in a patronizing way, more of a 'lay down with dogs, get up with fleas' type of situation. I never said anything about her childishness or her very radical misandry, because frankly it doesn't effect me.
Until it did. A few months ago my wife began pressuring me to do more around the house. Before I get an instant YTA. We already split chores and child care, admittedly, she had a bigger cut than I because she is a SAHM. But I do most of the cooking - breakfasts, and dinners. Lunch is her responsibility for her and the boys.
I take out the garbage and I do laundry, and I deep clean the bathrooms once a week. I do also help with our boys homework and such. She insists that I am not doing enough and that I should be doing more around the house.
I tried having discussions with her asking what she expected from me (namely all chores and child-rearing should be my duty it seems) and for months it seemed to be going nowhere. She used the D word more than once when speaking on this which felt manipulative.
It boiled over when we were out with friends one night, and she began talking about how I never helped out and how I use her as a house slave (her words). I will admit I saw red. This next part is where I may be the a**hole. I didn't say anything that night but the next day I asked my boss to be given reduced hours for the next little bit, due to stress.
And I took over everything in the house. I cooked breakfast, and made lunch for the boys before I drove them to school, I cleaned the house top to bottom, I did every dish we had twice and so on. My wife was blindingly happy, and bragged to her friend that she finally had me 'worn in.' She didn't lift a finger for around a month.
Then she began asking why we never went on dates anymore and complaining that she wanted to get her nails done as they were growing in. I explained that I had to take that out of our budget so we could continue to afford everything else, but we could absolutely have a movie night in, and I could paint her nails for her. She was unhappy with that solution.
So I asked her if she would want to get a part-time job to pay for either luxuries. You would have thought I asked if she wanted to join a cult. She then asked if I could Just pick up more shifts at work to cover her other expenses, and used the phrase 'be a man.' Which I found more than a little insulting. I then asked her if she would be willing to go back to splitting the chores and such?
Which is when she began to catch on that the two were related. She yelled at me that I was being a manipulative a**hole for doing this and even claimed it was financial 'a-word'. I stood strong for a while but now I am questioning my methods, because even I feel what I did was a bit underhanded. so AITA?
NTA. Stay at home means you do most of the housework. I'm not sure why your wife doesn't understand that. Dude - you said that your wife is an 'angel,' I'm not really seeing it. Threatening divorce to bludgeon you into doing more housework is a pretty big red flag.
NTA. You did what she asked. Reading stories like this really make me question if I want to get married.
NTA. Wtf is with your wife? She expects you to work all day and do ALL the house chores and take care of the kids? While she uses your money to pamper herself? Her priorities are so wrong on so many levels. She lucky she ain't my wife. With that attitude and disrespect I would have agreed to divorce and said I'll see you in court.
I understand you love her and all that but “She yelled at me that I was being a manipulative a**hole for doing this and even claimed it was financial 'a word.' Being manipulative is exactly what she was doing when she threatened divorce. It doesn’t really sound like she loves you as much as you love her.
And financially abusive? You told her if she wants luxuries she can get a job. Or she can get her friend to start paying for stuff since she wants her input so much. NTA, but I suggest taking a break from each other or therapy.
Clearly, OP is NTA, hopefully him and his wife can resolve things or accept the inevitability of divorce.