Here's the original post:
My fiancee (27f) and I (30m) have been together for almost 4 years and have been engaged for a couple months. We're starting to get more seriously into wedding planning and the topic of rings came up.
I don't wear jewelry. I barely wear colors! I'm on the autism spectrum and don't care to draw attention to myself. I didn't think this would be such a big deal but I never saw myself wearing a ring. My fiance has different views on the subject.
I knew her ring would mean a lot to her so I listened over the years, spoke to her friends and her mother and knew exactly what she wanted so I got that for her when I proposed. She loved it!
Fast forward to now and she's not as happy. I explained my views on wearing jewelry and she wasn't having it. She told me that it's a symbol of our commitment and thinks I want to "appear single" but nothing could be further from the truth! I absolutely adore her but I'm very stuck in my routines.
I didn't think this would be a big deal but she won't let it go. I told her I wasn't going to wear jewelry and she lost it. She told me I am selfish and won't talk to me. I don't get it. She KNOWS I love her. I show her everyday and she's making such a huge deal out of this. I need help, AITA?
NAH- I think you two need to find a compromise here. You have a sensory issue and have trouble with change. She sees you not wearing a ring as you not being serious about your marriage. Both of you have valid needs here.
Have you looked at silicone rings? Like- you could have a gold band for your ceremony if she wants that- but a silicone one for everyday? Or find the most important times to her for you to wear it, and see if that works? If the silicone ring doesn’t feel right- maybe a henna tattoo band or temporary tattoo?
I don’t recommend a permanent tattoo because I’m superstitious- and if you can’t handle a ring the itch of a healing tattoo will drive you nuts. This is very important to her, and if you can, I would try to find a way to honor it.
My husband hates wearing things on his hands. Gets very uncomfortable with it. The compromise is that he wears the wedding ring on a chain round his neck. We are both perfectly happy with that.
I'm also autistic and newly married. I think you're NTA. I never wear jewelry and especially not rings because the feeling of jewelry on my body is just too much. It's distracting to me to the point of painful. Rings get caught on my clothes and hair, and I hate how I can constantly feel them.
My husband and I are having similar conversations, where his feelings are a little hurt that I don't wear my ring more. He is also autistic though, so he gets the sensory issues. What I've been doing is keeping my ring off when I'm at home all day (I have a special place I put it in my nightstand) and I wear it in the afternoon when he gets home from work or if I'm going out.
I get how wearing a ring feels awful. I also care about my spouse and don't want my actions to cause them pain. Is there some kind of compromise that you two could find? Could you put your ring on a necklace? Is there a different ring material that would work better for you for more frequent wear?
UPDATE: I apologized to my fiancee for my reaction and for not considering why she felt the way she does and we had a long talk. Previously I really didn't understand why this was such an issue to her but that shouldn't have mattered; the fact is this is important to her and I care about how she feels.
I tried to explain why I'm so opposed to this and I think she mostly gets it. She knows I struggle with these sorts of things but really do try to work on these issues and don't use them as excuses. I brought up many of the wonderful suggestions you all have made and I think we'll be able to figure out a good compromise.
What we're leaning towards now is having a ring to wear for the wedding, family events, etc (I'm already so uncomfortable in those situations so it doesn't really matter!) and I'm thinking about a tattoo on the underside of my finger so I have that permanent symbol without the sensory problems or visual distraction.
Thank you all so much for the input and helping me to better understand this so it doesn't cause a rift in an otherwise wonderful relationship with the absolutely most incredible woman I've ever met. I truly appreciate you all taking the time and offering insight - it means so much to me.
Compromise! We love to see it.