Woman furious husband is mourning ex's death; he says, 'she was my first love.'

AITA for missing my wife’s annual Christmas party because my ex died?

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Ever since we met I’ve gone with her to a holiday party hosted by her and her best friend. It’s a fairly large party, that grows every year. This year I did not attend, my wife is still pretty upset with why I didn’t.

Two days before the party I was notified my ex fiancée had passed. I didn’t know the details, but it hit me very hard. To be honest, towards the end of things we didn’t have the best relationship and I’ll spare those details. She was an addict and had relapsed which heavily influenced the ending of our relationship.

I went through a lot of grief leaving her in that state, maybe it hit me because I feel like I didn’t do enough to help her.

In any case, I was pretty down and did not feel like socializing. I told my wife I was going to skip the party. When I was first notified I told my wife to which she said, “I’m sorry, are you ok?“ I thought she would understand my reasoning, but she did not. She was quite offended I was bothered enough about my ex that I wouldn’t feel up to her party.

After the party she came home and said, “I can’t believe you’re this upset about some junkie.” I was honestly taken back by her cold, callous attitude. My ex was a daughter, a mother, a sister. She was somebody that was messed up from life. I spent the next several days and into Christmas putting on a fake happy face and tried not thinking about my ex.

Over the weekend I had more calls about the details involving her death, which further upset me. My wife noticing something was off with me asked if I still loved her (my ex), and is that why I’m ‘devastated.’ She said it’s weird how I’m mourning the loss of my ex when I haven’t had anything to do with her in years. I explained to my wife she (my ex) was my first love and I did love her as a person.

Last night I told my wife I will be attending my ex’s funeral and I’d like for her to come if she wanted. She became angered by that, saying she doesn’t want to go near a junkie’s funeral because the place will be full of addicts. Which might be partially true but I think I should be allowed to pay my last respects regardless. She told me if I end up going, ‘we’re going to have problems.’

I don’t know what she meant by that, but she threw in my face how this ‘ruined’ our holiday and again stated she can’t believe I missed her party because of my ex. She told me I need to seek professional help because it’s not normal for a married man to be upset about his ex dying.

I began thinking maybe she’s right, I don’t know why I’m mourning her loss. I began asking myself if I still had feelings for my ex, but in my head I knew things were done. I wouldn’t have married my wife if I felt things weren’t finished with a previous relationship.

I’ve practically stopped myself from grieving because I guess it shouldn’t have mattered to me. I asked my wife if she’d be upset if her ex died, she said that’s different because she shares a child with him.

Info from OP:

I left my ex 7 years ago, although we were off and on for about a year after. Mainly because I fell for her promises to get clean, or she’d call in the middle of the night with an emergency that turned out not being an emergency but just another manipulation tactic.

I was inexperienced dealing with an addict then, until I learned about enabling them. My now wife and I met 5 years ago, my ex was still in contact with me but I hadn’t seen her in months. I never saw her again after we met, but eventually I went NC.

Here's how people judged OP's situation:

Upper-File462 writes:

YTA - for even considering going to the funeral, you've not been partners for 7 years. No wonder your wife is having doubts about the relationship. You're putting in more work on being there for someone who was manipulative towards you than your existing wife who has been cast aside while you mope

Agitated-Complaint71 writes:

Hmm… for an ex you seem to have a lot more emotional connection to her than one would have thought. Usually once you break up you bury that relationship. It seems you never have. You’re NTA. But neither is your wife. I think I’d be blindsided if my husband was in grief over an ex from many years ago? It seems like miscommunication on your part.

n3rdv10l3nc3 writes:

First, NTA. Second it sounds like your wife is jealous of your ex-partner(s). This is something I understand, because I struggle with my own jealous tendencies, but your wife is not being reasonable. In fact, she's being quite cruel and hateful.

herecomestreble17 writes:

I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. You’re allowed to mourn the passing of a person who has significance in your life even after you’ve removed them. NTA.

craddddy OP responded:

Thank you. My wife doesn’t understand that for one thing I value life. I feel almost guilty for giving up on my ex and not trying to harder to get her help. I feel bad for her son, that needlessly lost his mother so early in life. There’s a lot more to it than this woman dying, but my wife doesn’t see that.