Man asks for advice after wife tells him to 'shut his mouth' at kids bday party. Updated!

'My wife told me to 'shut my mouth' in front of a bunch of people at a kids birthday party.'

My wife and I are at odds lately over her SIL (who is also her best friend), who is married to her brother. Long story short, she bends over backwards to accommodate their every ask, including babysitting, errands etc. This extends to volunteering me to help them without my knowledge or consent etc. She never sees my point of view or agrees with any criticism of them I have.

We were at my nephew's birthday party today. My SIL is the one who's hosting it, so my wife is super keen for things to go well. Things were going ok - my daughter (3) was a bit upset because her balloon animal had accidentally been popped. So she's standing with my wife getting a cuddle, and a boy (older than her, 5/6) sprints into her and knocks her over.

She's crying obviously, and I pick her up. My wife is making a joke of it saying 'oh she needs to watch where she's going'. I said back to her 'don't blame her for getting bowled over by the bigger boy'.

Now, apparently the mother of this other kid was in earshot, which prompted my wife to tell me (in front of one of her other best friends and a couple of other guests) to 'Shut my mouth.' Then she had the cheek to tell me to not have a moody face.

15 minutes before this post, I sent an email to a divorce lawyer for a consultation. I've finally reached my limit.

Q&A with OP after the original post:

Ambiic asks:

Tried talking it out before doing something... drastic?

OrdosDeluxe OP responded:

Yes - we had an extensive talk recently regarding her blatant favouritism towards her brother and SIL, and she made it abundantly clear my concerns were flawed, and that I should want to help them in any way we can, regardless of the impact on us or our family.

Holiday-Somewhere-96 says:

What! Is there a reason for that that sounds crazy

OrdosDeluxe OP responded:

I genuinely can't get to the bottom of why this is, and it's not like I haven't tried.

alittlelessbear says:

It doesn’t matter if you can’t get to the bottom of it. She doesn’t prioritize you/your child and doesn’t respect you. Divorce and get full custody, let her ass move in with her brother and sil.

Update one from OP (same post):

Firstly, I'd just like to thank everyone for your responses (supportive or otherwise). Being heard and listened to is such a mental boost.

I spoke to my solicitor first thing this morning, and we had a good talk. He knows that I'm angry and upset at the situation, and he says that he will get myself and my wife in for a consultation if we decide to go down that route.

The issue in Scotland is that for a divorce where only one party wants out, it can take upwards of a year to get it (and evidence of separation in that period) - unless both parties agree to 'unreasonable behaviour' as the reason for the courts granting the divorce. Long story short, I can't proceed without her buy in (if I want it resolved fast).

So I took my daughter to my mum's after this, and then sat my wife down. I told her that yesterday's situation was absolutely unacceptable, and that if I had told her to shut her mouth in front of my friends, that I'd be getting crucified from everyone we know.

I told her she was lucky I 'kept my mouth shut' at the party , and that I didn't give a f**k about how SIL would have taken it. We fought again about SIL, and again, she defended her actions, saying that I'm the selfish one who wont help out my family when they need it.

I then did the (perhaps petty) move of dropping divorce leaflets I'd printed from my solicitors website in front of her. I said to her 'I absolutely want to help my family, and this is how I do it.' I told her about how I was tired of playing third wheel in my own marriage, and I told her that I was not prepared to subject my daughter to a lifetime of this subservience.

Finally, it looks like what I've said has had an impact. She cried and I think she was close to having a panic attack. This made me feel guilty, because fundamentally I don't think she's a bad person, she's just brainwashed into thinking SIL is the second coming of the Messiah.

So she promised that when I've finished work today we can have a serious talk about things, and she will listen to my concerns. Right now I'm not buying it, but I owe her and my daughter at least a chance to sort things out. So I'll see where it goes.

To answer some questions folks had, I know this seemed like an overreaction to something, but you've got to understand this was the latest in a long line of SIL related issues. Some folks have asked if my wife is gay and in love - I have thought about this as a possibility. I didn't ask her yet, but I may tonight. It certainly seems logical given how passionate she gets about it.

Thanks everyone for reading, and especially all of you who have DMed me, I appreciate it more than you know.

Update 2 from OP (same post):

Hi again everyone, thanks for all of your continued support and advice. I wanted to put another update on to let you know what was happening.

So we sat down last night for the crunch talks. I have to give her credit where it's due - she apologized for what she said at the party, and she said that she'd also have considered divorce if I'd done the same to her. I reiterated to her that my issue is that she completely makes herself subservient to SIL at our expense.

I pointed out how messed up it was that she didn't immediately take our daughter's side in this incident. The collision was accidental (I think), but I told her that to blame the little one was out of line, which she accepted.

I then asked her outright if she had any sort of romantic feelings for SIL. She squirmed and looked a little uncomfortable. She said that a long time ago at the end of high school there had been a drunken kiss on a night out, but nothing beyond that.

She sort of played the angle that she didn't want anyone (especially her brother) to know about it, and that's why she bends over backwards to make sure SIL is happy. I asked her if SIL had ever threatened to reveal this incident, but she denies that it's even been brought up.

She just thinks that if the wider family knew, it'd bring up a lot of weirdness. She swears that she has no interest in having any kind of relationship with SIL, and that she's straight.

I told her I didn't care about what she did that long ago, but that it needed to stop impacting our relationship in the present because I am the thinnest of thin hairs away from walking away forever. She (surprisingly) apologised again, and said that she'd really try to work on it.

I told her that I needed to see some proof of that, so she can consider herself on probation. I told her that if I feel that it's happened again, I'll be taking our daughter to stay at my mum's. She accepted this, so we're proceeding cautiously. Sorry if this isn't the update you were all hoping for, but I think it's the best thing for the three of us right now.

Update 3 from OP, 8 months later:

'My wife spent my birthday out with her friends.'

I've posted here many times about issues I've had with my wife - most commonly with regards to her subservience to her best friend turned Sister in Law (SIL). She's promised to try and work on this, given how much its impacted our marriage - but today I think we passed the point of no return.

You see, today is my birthday (its past midnight now though).

This morning my daughter (who is nearly 4) gave me huge hugs and kisses which was great. My wife gave me a card, and told me that my gift hadn't arrived in the post yet. My suspicion is that she's yet to order it, or ordered it late (Whatever it may be).

I then logged into my work, and did my shift like any other day. My wife was off work, while my daughter was at my mum's for a visit. Nothing special was planned for the evening, because there were plans in place already. Just that those plans didn't include me.

SIL and a couple of my wife's other friends had arranged to go out for dinner and drinks, because a voucher SIL had for a particular restaurant expired soon, and my birthday was the only date they could all make.

S**tty right? Gets better though, because my wife made a big social media post wishing me a happy birthday, saying how crap it was that I had to work all night on my birthday (a complete lie). But it does make her look less bad in public for not spending my birthday with me. The issue is, because she's done this, I now couldn't make plans with friends or family without exposing her lie.

So... yeah. Great birthday. When I think about how she'd react if I had pulled half the s**t she has pulled, I can't see it ending any other way than me getting screamed at, even though she's chosen to spend my birthday with SIL instead of me.

On the plus side, I did some warhammer painting after I collected my daughter and played with her a bit before bed. She also asked why mummy wasn't here, which kind of crushed me. Am I wrong to be annoyed about this?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

This-Sherbert4992 writes:

wow on the social media post. When she sees you she sees a doormat so that’s why she’s walking all over you. You deserve to be treated better. You should have totally called her out on her bluff. It would be fair. Happy birthday my friend.

Corfiz74 writes:

Why the everloving f**k did you cover for her?!? Go out with your buddies, have fun, don't roll over and ask her to pummel you some more! When she's treating you like an afterthought, why do you feel you have to be loyal and sacrifice your own fun for her?

Technical_Field718 writes:

What a doormat...

Update from OP the next day:

'I've separated from my wife.'

Hi again everyone. I just wanted to say firstly thank you very much for all of your responses and private messages. Many of you were supportive, and many of you (rightfully upon reflection) told me that I needed to grow some backbone and sort my s**t out.

I've been sitting on this for a few days, because the full events of what has transpired since then have blown my mind, and have brought home some very harsh truths about my relationship. But I also wanted to see if what went down would actually stick - and so far it has.

The fun Question out of the way first, for those who were asking about my painting, I was painting some Thousand Sons terminators.

So starting the day after my birthday - my wife initiated sex - and let me tell you, this was an occasion in itself. I legitimately could not tell you the last time that this happened, its been THAT long. I'm thinking to myself, maybe she's feeling guilty about yesterday and she's trying to make it up.

After the deed was done, she turns round to me and says 'your present won't be here for another couple of days, that will have to do for now.' I'm pretty disappointed at this point- not because I had a huge desire for a particular gift, but because she felt that her behaviour the day before was fine.

And then for her to think 'ill use sex to cover up my f**k up', was also a bit of a blow. Whatever, I've sucked up worse before and powered through.

What broke me was her opinion on SILs birthday (long story short for those who don't know, SIL is possibly my least favourite person on the planet due to her parasitic behaviour and main character syndrome). Coincidentally, it's a couple of weeks after mine. My wife told me all about her birthday plans for her - she wanted to ger her a gift for her favourite massage therapist. What was the big deal?

The shop only sells paper vouchers, and it's a 3 hour round trip to the shop. So off she went (again leaving me with my daughter), and what commenced next can only be described as 3 hours of my brain, simmering slowly towards an explosion.

I took my daughter to my brother's house, because I knew that when my wife came back I was going to explode. When she came back, I was sitting in the living room with a bag packed for me (and in an admittedly petty move) and one packed for my daughter. This immediately got her attention, and she demanded to know what was going on.

I unloaded it all. It wasn't coherent, and I definitely got more emotional as I unloaded more grievances. I started by telling her it was unacceptable how she completely screwed up my birthday, while making SILs birthday a major priority. How I was sick of feeling like a third wheel in my own marriage.

How I had literally sacrificed my personality on the altar of keeping her happy, and how I never saw my friends anymore, yet she could do whatever she wanted. How I take care of the house despite working more hours than her for not even a shred of gratitude. How she used (lack of) sex as a tool of manipulation and control.

I cried and shouted, she did the same and vehemently denied all of my accusations. She demanded to know where our girl was, and I told her. I told her that she would not be using her as a bargaining chip against me. We eventually calmed down enough to agree that I would keep her at our house, while she temporarily stayed with her mum and dad. I agreed to drop her off for visits while we worked things out.

It's been a few emotionally exhausting days. I feel drained, spent and tired. But I have my little girl, and I feel like I have done what I could. I don't know what my relationship status is right now. We haven't been speaking, except to arrange drop offs, and I'm comfortable with that for now. I need some more time before I consider more permanent steps.

I've never ever unloaded on her like this before, but it felt good, even if she continued to deny everything.

Here's what people had to say to OP after the last update:

broadsharp writes:

You need to consult with a divorce attorney and find out exactly what the probable outcome will be. Follow everything they tell you.

MurphyCaper writes:

You need to go to a courthouse and get temporary custody of your baby. Before she does. It’s just paperwork, go to the courthouse, explain that you have physical custody of your baby. They will help you from there. It’s a simple fast process.

sleepymommy4588 writes:

I read three posts, including this one, and it was enough for me to tell you…. You deserve better, my dude. You deserve to be seen and appreciated. You deserve thought, care, and attention from your wife, and it seems like you are not getting it, despite giving it. I hope you find some way to get it, with or without her. You deserve better than the way you are being treated.

LiliumIam writes:

I read all of them and his wife is horrible. She doesn't actually love him. My ex was similar, just not to one particular person like op wife. I would go above and beyond for him and he did below minimum for me. His friends got more love and care then me. It really felt like I was a third wheel in my own relationship.

It's better to be alone, then feel terrible in a relationship. It's hard for a while and you kinda miss the good times you had with that person. You need to remind yourself of the bad stuff and move forward. I hope the best for OP. He deserves so much more.