Calling someone inconsiderate can really get under their skin, since it doesn't simply imply a mistake, but also - a general lack of care.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for calling her husband inconsiderate. She wrote:
I'm 44F, husband is 44M, sons are 11 and 13. 11 had some medical procedures today and asked for takeout from one of his favorite restaurants. I called my husband to ask him to order because I was driving. Husband ordered and picked it up. 11 asked for his chicken and husband brings him a wing. 11 starts crying because he eats drumsticks, like every kid.
Husband only ordered a wing and thigh. 11 has always eaten the same pieces (drumstick and breast to be specific). Husband got mad that I didn't tell him exactly what to order. I said if you don't know what your 11 year old eats then you don't know him. For background, we order from this place every month or so for over a decade. We each get the same things every time. Husband and I order equally.
He handles the food (cooking and takeout) about 75% of the time. A little bit later I told husband that I don't want to fight but this is exactly what I'm talking about when I say he's not considerate. That all 3 of us feel like he doesn't care about us when he does this kind of stuff. I told him that 13 said "dad always forgets the important stuff" when he found out why 11 was crying.
We all feel like he doesn't care when he forgets basic stuff about us. He dismissed me saying that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I said we feel like you don't care and you can't tell us how to feel. I've come to realize over the last year or so that my husband is inconsiderate, not just forgetful.
Other examples: He will eat the kids last of a food or snack and not ask if they want it. I had a leg injury this year (in a cast and walker) and he left things in the walkway, even after I pointed out there was stuff in my way, and I can't get around. He had to take care of 13's birthday cake because of my injury and didn't get candles.
13 was upset and husband got mad that no one appreciates that he got the cake. We've been together 23 years and he's never gotten me a cake, let alone put candles in it. His birthday is 6 weeks before mine. I always get him a cake or special dessert, put candles in it and sing happy birthday with the kids. So AITA for calling my husband inconsiderate over a minor thing like messing up a food order?
NTA. This incident is obviously bringing up a whole lot of unresolved issues for you but that doesn't make you wrong or unfair. If you're not letting your kids know how you feel about their father's forgetfulness then it is really alarming that they are also noticing it. I'd suggest getting some family therapy or in the very least, couples counselling because it's especially alarming that he's dismissing any culpability at all.
Whatever else he is, he's hella unobservant. Doesn't remember his son only eats drumsticks, leaves things in the way when his wife is temporarily disabled and doesn't understand why he should done better. The birthday candles, okay, I can see that as just an oversight since he was handling more than usual with OP only semi-mobile.
But taken all together? Plus, both the kids volunteered to OP that he can't be depended on. That says this incident & the other two mentioned are just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, he is inconsiderate. He is also dismissive of the negative effects of his actions. OP, you're NTA. If your marriage is to have a chance.
If the relationship with his sons isn't to deteriorate into LC or NC. Marriage counseling is long overdue. If he refuses, go for individual counseling to determine how to deal with him.
NTA, this is why I left my long term partner about 10 years ago. Some things shouldn't need to be said or ask of someone. My friends partner will literally go get himself dessert and come back in and sit with us all, eating a bowl of ice cream to himself. Doesn't occur to him that everyone he's hosting is just sitting there like.... ummm?
And then his partner, without fail, every time will say "I guess he just knew none of us wanted any." He's done it for 10 years, he just doesn't think to think of anyone else but himself. It's infuriating when you're constantly having to remind someone they're not the only person to exist.
NTA: When it was just the chicken, I was going to say “Maybe he’s just forgetful or had one of those off days where their brain doesn’t work” (We’ve all been there). From what you shared though, it’s a regular problem. I’d suggest giving him the same care he gives you and your sons.
OP is NTA here, eventually, this issue needed to be called out.