'I read my husband's texts and found out he's been making fun of me with his ex-wife.' UPDATED

"I’m leaving my husband because I found out that he has been making fun of me behind my back to his ex."

My husband (m45) and I (f36) met about 6 years ago. We have been married for 1 year. When we met I was very fit and athletic. I started gaining weight however after suffering 2 miscarriages and the loss of my mother to cancer. I was very depressed and barely got out of bed if not to go to work. I stopped exercising and instead started eating junk food.

I gained 40 pounds in 2 years (2019-2020). Under this time my husband (then fiancé) was very supportive and loving. I felt guilty and tried to give him an out several times but instead he proposed and we got married last summer.

Since our marriage I have been feeling much better and it showed. I have lost around 20 pounds so far and I gained back my muscles and abs. He was so happy to see me feeling better.

On his computer however, it was totally a different story. He was talking, almost under our entire relationship to his ex wife about me. His ex wife (f46), left him about 7-8 years ago for her colleague. The relationship didn’t work however and she tried to get back together with my husband. He has already met me but they stayed friends, mostly via chat,texting since she lives 12h away.

My husband was complaining about everything about me. My job, my depression, my cooking but mostly about my weight. He was telling her how unattractive I was to him, how he even found it hard to share the same bed since I snored like a dog. He sent her pictures of me while sleeping, sometimes in underwear with comments about my belly, double chin, “back boobs” etc.

She found these pictures extremely amusing and she came up with the name “white whale”. They both found it hilarious and now this is what they referred to me as. They don’t flirt exactly or talk about being together or starting an affair but they do say that they miss each other and they reminisce about the time they were married. She’s more flirtatious and he really enjoys it.

Whatever he’s telling her isn’t what I have experienced with him. I don’t disgust him. He tells me that he loves me all the time. We have great and passionate intimacy and the way he touches and makes love to me is so great he must be a really good actor if he was in reality disgusted by me. And he hates the few times we have to sleep apart. He’s lying and I don’t know why he’s doing it.

He’s lying to one of us and I’m not sure if I want to know who he’s lying to and why. I decided to get out of this marriage and leave this behind me. Right now I’m acting like everything is normal but I have started looking for a new job in another city, and a place to rent.

I also started with birth control pills, in case something happens between us and I have talked to a lawyer to prepare the divorce and start the process once I’m gone. One thing I’m not going to do is fall back into depression and weight gain. I will not allow it. What a waste of love he has been!

Edit: I can’t believe I need to explain this about the birth control pills.

Very simple explanation. Up until I went through his Messenger I loved and trusted this guy. We had great chemistry and intimacy and we were trying to conceive

when I read what he has written and the way he took pictures of me sleeping!!!!!, something happened inside of me like I don’t know this person in front of me anymore. I can’t read his face, and I don’t trust him. I don’t know how long I’m going to need to stay under the same roof as him. I don’t know what his reaction would be if I refused him under a long period of time with no real excuse.

I don’t know what else he’s capable of besides taking pictures of sleeping people. I don’t know if I,in a moment of weakness, succumb to lust or if he for a moment could fool me that he actually loved me. For all these reasons and many darker scenarios I have played in my head I’m taking extra precautions. Anyone with an iq of a chicken could understand that, or so I hope.

Thank you everyone for the support. I will update you when I know more about where I’m headed.

About three weeks after her original post, OP shared this major update:

Hi again! I don’t know how to make an update but my original post is in my profile (sorry if I’m using the wrong terminology for reddit). But I’m feeling happy, so happy for the first time in weeks and I wanted to share that with you since many of you supported me and requested an update I thought it would be the decent thing to do. So here comes nothing…

I didn’t pry or spy on my husband. I used his MacBook to do some work and he had forgotten to log out from Facebook and Messenger. He has never given me any reason to spy on him. After I found out however I would occasionally check his phone. Maybe hoping that it was all a bad joke.

He continued complaining anyhow and now he was telling her I was being distant and cold in manner and that he was tired of me. He even lied and told her I was gaining even more weight even though I’m not. He told her we weren’t sleeping together (I avoided him) because he couldn’t find it under the rolls of fat. A joke that she highly appreciated. I didn’t spy after that, I got the confirmation I needed.

In the mean time he acted the worried husband with me, concerned about me and asking if I was going through a new depression. He told me he loved me and that he was there for me. He did everything like previous times I had dips.

Called from work, came home with take outs from my favorite restaurants did all the cleaning and washing around the house, baked fresh bread in the mornings, flowers and chocolate and asked me if I wanted to go for nighttime drives/walks. (He used to take me for a drive the nights I was feeling very down and depressed). How can anyone be so two-faced?

I have my big sister who lives in another city. I told her that I was leaving my husband and that I was looking for jobs in her city. My sister is married and she lives with her husband and daughter in a big house. She offered me one of her spare bedrooms. I got a a few job interviews and one of them turned into an offer. It’s not exactly my field of work and it came with a significant decrease in salary.

But I thought about it and it’s a good start until something more suitable comes up. I didn’t want to prolong my stay with Him any longer and a decrease in income is a good sacrifice plus I’m going to have lower rent and I’m selling my car since the new job is a walking distance from sissy’s house. No more worry about the crazy gas prices.

My new job starts on October 1st. I’m working my notice period from my computer. The two month between jobs I’m just going to have fun and work on myself. I took my name off the lease but I’m going to pay 2 more months. I left him last Sunday . The night before I prepared a very nice dinner and we spent the night together.

It felt soo good to hear him whispering how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have me. In the morning I left the divorce papers and my attorney’s number. In the kitchen. When I got to my sister, I finally could tell her and the rest of my family about everything. I showed them all his conversations and even the pictures he’s taken of me. They’re all pissed at him.

He has been calling and texting obsessively but he doesn’t know where I live now. emailed, DM. He went to my parents but they just shunned him at the door and advised him to let me go. Maybe he knows now because he’s been asking to explain and apologize etc. I don’t care. All I’ve texted back is that if he wants to convey a message he could do it through my lawyer.