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'My wife refuses to get a divorce and I think she's trying to trick me into cheating.' UPDATED

'My wife refuses to get a divorce and I think she's trying to trick me into cheating.' UPDATED


"My wife refuses to accept our divorce and I think she's trying to trick me."

My wife (29f) and I (34m) have been married for 4 years, and up until a year and a half ago, things were fantastic. Our marriage began to deteriorate after there was a significant drop in sex between us, not intimacy, just the actual sex part of the relationship.

We would still cuddle and have deep intimate moments talking and just being around each other but she kept rejecting my attempts at taking things further past kissing. Now we have had no problem communicating so I made sure to address it early, and we talked and made adjustments. We both made sure to stay in shape, we tried being more adventurous,

we went to couples therapy/counseling, and even tested both of our hormone levels(everything was normal). Each "solution" would work for a little while and then we'd be back to having sex maybe once a month. I asked her several times if she was no longer attracted to me, to which she denied every time. I asked her if I was falling short in the relationship in any other way, to which she said no.

Well about a month ago, she gets back from her therapy session and tells me that she believes that she's asexual and that's the reason for her libido being non-existent as of late. I was definitely confused because we had such a great sex life for a while in the beginning of our relationship but her telling me that she's now asexual was heartbreaking because everything else is great.

Obviously I'm not going to force intimacy, so we had a long conversation about our relationship and I came to the conclusion that we should get a divorce. I say "I" because she immediately rejected the idea and said we would figure something out and wouldn't talk to me about it anymore. I didn't know what to say so I dropped it.

Well three weeks go by (without sex) and I decided that I have to do this for my own mental well-being so I filed for divorce and had her served with the papers. Last week when I got home from work, she was going about the day like nothing was wrong. I asked her if she signed the papers and she flat out said "we are not getting a divorce" and changed the subject and acted like things were normal.

Obviously I thought this was crazy so I stopped her and said I couldn't be in a marriage devoid of sex, and I mentioned that I was being incredibly fair with our divorce. She can keep the house that we bought and paid for with cash ( she paid 1/3 I paid 2/3), I'd take all of the debt which isn't much, we'd split our savings and investments in half,

and she can keep 2 of our 3 paid off cars (I only wanted to keep my sports car). Thankfully we don't have kids. I love her and wanted her to be comfortable and I have no problem starting over since I make a good income. But she won't budge or talk about the divorce.

This brings us to two days ago. I get home and go to our bedroom and find my wife's friend (27f) in our bed. I immediately shut the door, said sorry, and went looking for my wife. I found her in the kitchen and asked what her friend was doing here, and she said that she was here for me. I put two and two together and said that I'm not sleeping with other women in place of the woman I chose to marry.

She was adamant on saying that I could sleep with her whenever I wanted and that her friend agreed to it. I couldn't believe things would get this far so I went back to our bedroom and asked her friend to leave. I packed a bag and I've been staying in a hotel nearby since that night. My wife, her mother, and her sister keeps calling me but I'm just not interested in hearing what they have to say.

This feels like a trick. I just want this whole thing to be over. Does anyone have advice? Is this some kind of ploy for alimony (we do have a prenup)? Should I just contact my lawyer and try and force the divorce? I'm really uncomfortable with this entire situation.

What do you think is going on here? This is what top commenters had to say:

Flaky_Two1872 said:

You did right bro. Let your attorney handle this. Do not have sex with anyone until your attorney says you’re in the clear.

SmallDosesOfEpic said:

I am thinking this is more her grasping at straws to keep the marriage than a trick. If you are STRICTLY monogamous (same here) then this "solution" of hers is a non-starter. Sure she came out as Asexual, but that doesn't mean she gets to tie you down for life if your needs aren't being met by the person you married.

THIS is one of the BEST reasons to separate, and since there isn't a good compromise that works for both parties involved. You've even been generous in the terms of the divorce paperwork. Honestly at this point if she refuses to discuss it and tries to hold you hostage (which is what she is doing), then I think your only recourse is to force the divorce.

Throwing her friend at you may be seen as a "compromise" to some but to those who don't sleep with anyone except their's insulting/belittling, especially when they vowed to be faithful. Divorce is ALWAYS better than cheating*. Good luck OP

ExcellentClient1666 said:

Just bc she doesn't sign doesn't mean the divorce can't go through. I'd call your lawyer and see what needs to happen to force the divorce. She's only trying to avoid the divorce so she isn't alone and has to do everything on her own and support herself. She's definitely trying to delay the divorce by manipulating you.

Adventurous_Basis280 said:

I don’t know that it is necessarily a trick regarding alimony so much as her trying to keep you married. I would absolutely not do it though, especially with a friend of hers! That is crazy. If you are ok to open the relationship that is a completely different conversation but for her spring this is insane.

If you do open it, I would definitely talk to the lawyer to make sure you don’t get screwed (pun intended) on the prenup. If you don’t want to open the relationship and want it all with one person absolutely go to your lawyer and push the divorce. She can’t just decide you aren’t getting divorced. It will take longer but it will definitely happen. Sorry this is happening to you.

Leahthevagabond said:

Wow that took a turn I wasn’t expecting! Your wife seems incapable of having an adult conversation when it really matters. If her solution was to open the marriage then that needed to be a conversation and you needed to consent. You do not need her consent to divorce. If she makes you force the divorce, I would reconsider the terms a bit. You’ve been very generous, probably too much so.

He later shared this update:

I'll try to keep this as concise as possible. I feel overwhelmed so I probably wont bother with another update after this one, I don't know. My wife came to my hotel last night and we talked about everything. She told me the full truth and what's going on in her mind.

A few of you commented this in the last post so you were right. She has always been asexual, she and her whole family has known this since she was 16. Apparently this is the reason why her last long term relationship of 3 years ended. He broke up with her after the sex between them diminished to being non-existent after the first year.

She told me that sex is easier for her in the beginning when emotions are running high but she still needs to force herself to have it. I knew they broke up due to irresolvable differences but I didn't ask for details nor did she tell me. After a lot of apologies and crying she told me that I was the first person she was able to "tolerate" sex with for so long and that she did enjoy it a handful of times;

but after a while it felt wrong. I broke down after hearing this and started kicking myself for not catching on to any of this. She said she tried her best to please me as much as she could. She still doesn't want a divorce and she doesn't want the house, cars, or the savings; she just wants me and is ready to do whatever it takes to keep me. She even said that she would sign a postnup stating this.

As for her friend, she was there during her last breakup and helped to support her though it. My wife went to her after I brought up divorce and talked things out. Her friend suggested that she open the relationship for me but she said she didn't want me sleeping with strange women so her friend volunteered herself to be the one that sleeps with me;

my wife thought this was a great idea which led to the fiasco at our house. I won't comment on her appearance because it doesn't matter, and I don't blame the friend. My lawyer got back to me, you were all right. I don't need to her permission but I will have to wait if I want to push it through.

I asked her why she lied to me to me this entire time and she said she was tired of being rejected after revealing she was asexual so she convinced herself that she would be able to force herself to have sex during the relationship.

The hormone testing, the sessions in couples therapy , and all of our "solutions" was just her buying time to find another way around sex or give herself enough time to build up the strength to start regularly having sex with me again.

Our conversation ended with us holding each other in bed crying for a couple of hours. No we didn't have sex. She pleaded with me to hold off on the divorce to look for a solution together and left my hotel room.

I'm now sitting alone typing this post. I guess I found out that we don't share everything with each other. Thank you to everyone who has messaged me directly, I'm still trying to get to all of them. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Sources: Reddit
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