'My wife was sued, I'm feeling resentment towards her and I don't know how to move past it.' UPDATED
"My wife was sued, I'm feeling resentment towards her and I don't know how to move past it."
As the title states my wife was recently sued, she lost and we had to pay. The money is a significant amount for us, we didn’t have much in savings or our emergency fund to begin with, and both of those accounts are now empty.
My currently problem is trying to move past the resentment and anger I’m feeling towards my wife. Until now I’ve always felt like we were a partnership in our marriage. But, since I’m the breadwinner I can’t help but to feel like I’m spending "my" money on something that isn’t my fault.
I’ve had no problem paying the mortgage, and taking care of various financial burdens that come with being a married homeowner. However, I have been the only one to put money aside in our savings and other accounts to prepare for an emergency - like a totaled car, someone loses their job, medical bills, or an act of god… not a stupid lawsuit where I know my wife is guilty.
She has a part time job and doesn’t make much money, but pays for smaller things when she can (like groceries and some random bills), but she does take care of a lot of cooking, cleaning and caring for our pets. What did my wife do? (Note: I had no idea this was going on while it was happening).
She used linkedin to find her former ex best friend, she ended up creating a realistic looking fake linkedin profile with a vague occupation of ‘recruiter’. My wife ended up sending this ex-best friend, "Laura" a few messages pretending to be a recruiter in her line of work. Laura finally responded thinking that this recruiter was real, my wife wanted her phone number but Laura gave her a personal email address instead.
My wife created a second fake linkedin profile and started to send messages to people with similar titles as Laura at her company. These messages said derogatory things about Laura, a mixture of truthful things but embarrassing and just fabricated bullsh!t to make Laura look bad. Her manager got one of these messages that claimed that Laura was a heavy drug user.
Laura's manager talked to her about these messages and he felt like the messages were bizarre and seemed like someone was trying to troll or harass Laura. Well, Laura team had her back and helped her saved these messages. Not only that, but Laura requested that she be drug tested anyway, to provide further evidence that she was clean.
My wife didn’t know this at this point, but Laura was pregnant. Several of her coworkers, including her manager testified on Laura behalf. Using the personal email address she got from the fake recruiter profile, she was able to find a few social media platforms Laura was on and was able to figure out her husbands name. She did some more internet sleuthing and found Laura's husband on facebook.
Laura's husband didn’t have much on his facebook profile, but you could see his business email address on it. My wife sent him an email claiming that Laura was cheating on him. The husband confronted Laura about this email and Laura encouraged him to keep responding to this person, and save the messages, as well as to start asking specific questions about this supposed affair.
My wife thought she was being clever and ended up telling the husband that Laura was cheating on him during the work week, she even gave him specific dates. What she didn’t realize was Laura had something turned on in google maps where it keeps years worth of historical gps data.
Some of the dates my wife gave him also happened to be days where they both worked from home together. She also ended up giving him dates during a time they were on vacation together. Laura had her husband keep responding as much as possible to my wife and to backup all correspondence.
My wife was able to find out when and where the baby shower was going to be. One of Laura friends had created a public registry for her and had the invitation online. My wife decided to show up unannounced (the baby shower took place in a semi-public place, they had rented out an area connected to the public business.) She did not make herself known immediately.
Instead she looked for patrons that were entering and exiting the rented out room. She was able to get the attention of a few guests that had never met her and tried to gossip about Laura - my wife was telling people that Laura didn’t actually know who the father was, among other things.
This was at an event where her husband was at as well. The word got back around to Laura and she spotted my wife and apparently immediately put together all the pieces of what happened.
I’m leaving a fair amount of information out - My wife was able to find phone numbers, social media accounts and email for other people in Laura circle and sent them messages about Laura on multiple occasions. All the messages were trying to paint Laura in an extremely derogatory light. All the events I’ve mentioned so far took place over a year or so.
My wife didn’t think to mask her IP address, so it was pretty easy to find out that all of these made up messages came from the same IP address, ours. Many of Laura's friends and family testified on her behalf, Laura had everyone saved as much digital evidence as possible - and it was a lot.
Laura and her husband hired a lawyer and decided to sue to my wife. They had ample evidence against her. All the saved messages, close friends and even her manager spoke on her behalf, she showed that she went to see a therapist once all the harassment started because she was depressed and anxious, she showed that she and her husband went to counseling after the accusations of her cheating.
She even went above and beyond and had more drug tests done to show she was clean and my wife’s accusations were 100% false, and even had a paternity test done to show that my wife was again wrong and chose to lie. I honestly felt awful for Laura, there were lots of tears on her end. You could tell how much emotional stress she had gone through.
She said that being pregnant during the majority of this was absolutely horrific and was worried the stress and anxiety would somehow hurt her baby. She was pained that her one and only baby shower was ruined by my wife and that was something that could never be truly repaid or made up for. And that my wife’s harassment continued even after Laura gave birth and was trying to manage a newborn child.
My wife has never done anything this crazy before. I knew she could be a little petty and jealous of others, especially people she use to be friends with in the past, but it was only talk - no action. We’ve had a very happy marriage otherwise, we rarely fight, have a lot in common, we have a lot of fun together. But, she really messed up this time.
I don’t know how to move forward. I know someone is going to suggest therapy, but I really want to start building up an emergency fund again. We’re pretty screwed financially for awhile.
What do you think he should do? This is what top commenters had to say:
scelestus66 said:
That is absolutely not normal and your wife clearly has some serious issues that I think you (and she, obviously) need to start addressing. That level of harassment, and the duration of it is frankly terrifying, and I feel like you should be concentrating on dealing with that, rather than just the financial fallout.
mysecret8account said:
Dude, that is a crazy story. The amount of time she spent doing this versus spending time with you, working or anything otherwise constructive is insane. For sure she needs therapy. You would be completely Justified if you wanted to leave her now.
And [deleted] said:
That's divorceable. Your wife is a psychopath
Later OP came back with an update in a new post:
I read everyone's replies and thank you to those who responded with good advice. I got a lot of DM's and I wasn't able to respond to everyone, but I did read your messages. There were some common questions I wanted to address to provide additional clarification.
"How did she avoid jail?"
I only mentioned the civil case since I felt it was the most appropriate to write about because I was originally angry about our financial situation. There was also a criminal case.
Our lawyer thought she would originally have to go to jail for 3 months. However, we were able to get her punishment to be community service instead. She has A LOT of community service hours to fill within a year, she will also be getting visits from a PO.
Laura and her husband did file restraining orders against her, I honestly can't blame them for that. It helped my wife that she had a clean record and has family that works in law enforcement. I want her to finish those community service hours first before we talk about her working more hours to help pay me back.
"Why did she do this to Laura?"
That is a good question. I asked her this multiple times over the past several months to try to understand what this woman did to my wife. She would tell me that Laura deserved everything horrible thing that my wife did to her, that Laura was a bad person, a narcissist, a liar, and just overall a scumbag. But she never really gave specific examples.
I've been pressing her for more info, and when she told me some specifics it made me feel sick to my stomach, not because of what Laura did but because how far my wife decided to go due to some petty things that happened in their friendship. Their friendship ended about 8-9 (they had been friends since early in high school) years ago and it was over a man they had both briefly dated.
My wife dated "Matt" for a few months, she broke up with him because she thought that Matt had feelings for Laura. Laura said she didn't want to date Matt because he had dated my wife. My wife decided to "test" her friend Laura's loyalty, and told Laura she had her blessing to date Matt.
Laura and Matt ended up dating for a few months, my wife stuck around while they were dating and once they broke up my wife told Laura that she had failed a loyalty test. They fought, and ultimately it was Laura who decided to end the friendship. (Note: In case it's not clear, Laura's current husband is NOT Matt.)
Secondly, I was able to get some information from her about what inspired her to do this since their friendship had ended so long ago. My wife said she happened to see (by chance, not by stalking) Laura at a restaurant about ~1.5-2 years ago, and it looked like Laura had lost a lot of weight and was fit. My wife and I are both fairly overweight, and apparently Laura use to be overweight too.
My wife admitted that she felt angry that Laura had lost a lot of weight while she had never been able to. My wife was also insulting Laura and said that she doesn't make a pretty thin person and that her new muscular body was too masculine. She also insulted Laura's husband's looks and physique as well.
I saw both Laura and her husband in person on multiple occasions - they both look like normal, attractive people who obviously work out. (I could also tell my wife was irritated when she saw Laura at the courthouse the first time, and you could barely tell that Laura had even had baby.)
My wife admitted that she just wanted to do some snooping to try to find that Laura wasn't doing well in life, she found the opposite and was jealous of Laura's success. She first found out both of their job titles (they both work at tech companies with some sort of engineering title) and their estimated salaries by using something called Glassdoor.
If that's accurate, then both Laura and her husband make really good money. She also saw a photo on facebook of Laura and her husband standing in front of what appeared to be their very beautiful and large home. She said she was angry because she knew that Laura wasn't deserving of any of this.
She proceeded to insult Laura about how she's not that smart, not pretty, not responsible, she claimed that all Laura did through college was do drugs, drink, have sex with anything that had a penis, skip class and failed a lot, my wife said that she's the type who would cheat on her husband, that she's manipulative and is always up to something, etc.
Both Laura and her husband seemed very sad and exhausted throughout the whole ordeal. I never picked up on anything sinister from Laura at all, I felt absolutely awful for her. I felt extreme shame and embarrassment whenever I was in the same room with Laura and her husband. I don't think I was ever able to make direct eye contact with either of them.
So..yeah. I was expecting Laura to have done something truly evil or sinister in the past and that just wasn't the case.
"Does she feel remorseful?"
I want to say yes, she does. She has been really depressed since this all finalized. However, I can't help but think she's sad only because she got caught. She hasn't directly said anything that would lead me to believe she is truly remorseful.
She's still angry at Laura for escalating to the point of a criminal and civil case, she feels that Laura overreacted. My wife believes every horrible thing she said about Laura. She's convinced that Laura is some kind of alcoholic/drug addict who cheats on her husband, and is the type to lie and cheat her way to the top of her career. And somehow Laura is able to hide this from everyone in her life.
My wife felt like she was trying to "expose" Laura for the monster that she is. She feels that Laura pressing charges and suing her is additional proof that Laura is vindictive.
My hope is that she has time to think while she is doing her community service hours over the next year. I think she feels bad that I had to empty out our accounts and sell some things to come up with the money. I talked to her about working more hours once she has finished community service, and she agreed.
"Are you going to get divorced?"
The thought has crossed my mind, but we've been together for so long and I still love her despite this disgusting thing she has done. I can't see my life without her. But, I know (and I'm having a hard time admitting this to myself) that if she doesn't improve or learn a lesson from this mess then I can't be with her anymore.
A lot of people mentioned that if she can do this type of thing to an ex-friend, then she can do the same to an ex-husband. This has me worried some, I'd like to believe she wouldn't go nuclear on me if we did file for divorce. I'll be taking precautions in case I have to defend myself in the future.
"Why is she only working part-time?"
She is a licensed masseuse and works at a really nice salon/spa. Her hourly wage is pretty high, but she hasn't been able to get the hours she wants at the spa she works at. She could probably get a more full time position at a different spa but with a slightly lower hourly wage, which would still bring in more income than what she is doing now.
She really likes the place she is at and doesn't want to leave, but I may pressure her to full time work elsewhere to help pay me back and refill our emergency fund once she is done with community service. At the moment she is onboard with helping me put money back into our savings accounts.
"What about therapy?"
I know we need this, both as a couple and as individuals to deal with this mess. I talked to her about this and she doesn't seem totally sold on the idea of therapy. I've expressed that I think it would help both us, and she seems indifferent at this point. I've talked to her parents, who are really angry/disappointed in her, they basically begged me not to leave her over this.
I told her parents that I think therapy would help both of us, but I can't afford it now. They offered to pay for couples therapy, but that is as much as they would be able to afford, so it's a start. I know my wife will need individual therapy, and if that means I stop going to couples therapy so she can get the 1 on 1 help she needs, so be it.
I'm not ready to call my wife a psychopath as many of the commenters did the last post. I think she got carried away, and thought she was trying to expose someone she truly believed was a bad person.
I'm heavily leaning towards that she has had some sort of mental breakdown and focused all of her energy on this one woman and her life. I'm not going to give up on my wife yet. It's very possible that she has some underlying mental illness that could very well be treated with therapy or meds.
"How much money was she sued for?"
I don't want to give specific numbers, but it will take about 4-5 years to get back to where we were prior to this happening. If my wife takes on a full time after she is done with community service and hands over the majority of her paycheck, it may take less than 4 years.
"Are kids involved?"
No, we don't have kids and are not planning on having any.
"What next?"
That's what I need help with. I've sat down with my wife a few times since the post and I can feel some resistance coming from her about starting couple therapy. I think she's irritated at her parents for offering to pay for therapy for us. She has stated that she would rather us solve our problems together without interference from someone she doesn't know.
She's afraid she isn't going to like any therapist we find, and that the therapist will attack her throughout our sessions. I've tried explaining to her that the therapist isn't there to blame anyone, that they would try to help us and that it would be a safe space for her to talk and vent about whatever she needs.
I've brought up the idea of therapy every night since the post, and each time she has had an excuse along the lines of - it won't help, the therapist will gang up on her, she isn't going to like the therapist/the therapist won't like her, or that we can solve our own problems at home.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
"I'd like to believe she wouldn't go nuclear on me if we did file for divorce." She is exactly the type of person to go nuclear on someone during a divorce. She has something twisted inside of her and she really should be seeing a professional about that.
suedwifeacct OP
Everyone keeps saying this. So, if we do end up getting divorced or separated down the line, then how do I protect myself?
[deleted]
You pretend all is well while speaking to a lawyer, telling him everything she did and is capable of. He will tell you how to protect yourself. You don’t let her know, you don’t even let her suspect anything, until you are prepared and have followed your lawyers instructions.
[deleted]
Dude, I hate to break it to you, but if you're hoping this post is going to make people more sympathetic to your wife...that's not happening. You need to make it clear to her that therapy is not optional here.
What she did is beyond the borders of all rationality. If things are going to get better, she needs professional-grade help. If she refuses to acknowledge that, then you need to ask yourself what you're trying to preserve here.