New dad tells wife he wants SIL to stop helping out, she says it's a 'horrible' idea.
Having a baby is hard work, and if you have a village to help you - that's going to lighten the load. However, needing help doesn't mean that you don't still need your privacy. Finding a balance between receiving help and protecting your space can be a hard task, but it's possible.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he's wrong for telling his wife he wants her sister to stop staying with them. He wrote:
"AITA for telling my wife her sister can’t help us and needs to move out?"
My wife Dee (28F) and I (27M) recently had our first baby, Almond (4 months). It wasn’t an easy delivery, but she’s recovering and we are both back to work. That’s neither of our first choices, but was necessary to help because of our financial situation. My wife has a sister, Cecilia (21) who lives with their parents about 12 hours away.
My wife and her sister are from a culture that heavily emphasizes intergenerational households, and certain postpartum rituals. Because it was important to my wife to have family support, we all agreed Dee would come stay with us for a bit to help out with the baby.
I expected her to stay a few weeks, but we are going on four months and my wife and I recently got into an argument about how much longer she’d stay. Dee attends college virtually and does not have a job; she is home all day. She cooks, cleans, watches the baby, and is overall great. The only problem is I want to be doing those things.
Call it toxic masculinity, but when I imagined having a child, I thought it would be us working together, not us and her sister. Cecilia has a bath waiting for my wife when she gets home, only takes her preferences into consideration when cooking meals, and handles most of the night duties unless Almond needs to be fed.
I’ve told her twice to please wake me when the baby cries; she’s told me that she won’t unless I move to the guest bedroom, because it’s important for my wife to get rest. I told my wife I want her out of the house by the end of the month, but she thinks it’s a terrible idea. Without Cecilia, we are entirely without support.
I suggested one week on, one week off until six months, but she says that’s too long of a drive to ask her sister to make. I feel like I never get a chance to be alone with my wife and child.
People were opinionated in the comment section.
Hapnhopeless wrote:
Who the hell is standing up for Cecilia here???? It seems Cecilia is being totally exploited in this situation. She is doing absolutely everything and you're still complaining? If you want to change a diaper or cook a meal, assert yourself. You're an adult. Your wife is taking complete advantage of her sister and you are feigning helplessness. Take ownership in your own home with your own family.
Also, you and your wife should have discussed the term of Cecilia's visit BEFORE her arrival. Poor communication on your part. YTA.
Rowanever wrote:
Dear Reddit,
I have a new baby and my wife is still recovering from a difficult labour.
My SIL is currently doing damn near everything around the house. However, she defers to my wife and doesn't treat me like a god. Also, when I want time with our baby, she doesn't run to fulfil my every desire like she does for the baby. She said that if I want to get up with the baby, I should sleep in a separate room from my wife so my recovering wife can sleep still? But then I'd be disturbed? Huh?
I want to have everything I want when and as I want it. Why can't she go away so that mysterious house spirits do her work instead? That way I won't feel so out of control of this situation. Who cares if my wife suffers as long as I feel better? Reddit, please tell me I'm not the AH for just wanting the one person holding this new family together to piss off and leave us alone?
YTA. It can be easy to accidentally sideline yourself with a new baby if you're passive, refuse to independently learn stuff about looking after babies, and give up when negative things happen. Especially if you have other, highly-competent people around who are used to looking after kids. Especially if they're used to men having no interest in babies.
But that's your issue to deal with. Learn what to do, watch YouTube videos about baby care, take advice from the people around you who know the baby, don't give up at the first all-night screamfest, and be uncomfortable sometimes. Don't expect someone else to wake you up if your baby cries.
Sleep in the same room as the baby. Use a baby monitor that will buzz you or something to wake you up. Figure out a solution. Treat it as a you problem.
PurpleStar1965 wrote:
You said it was not an easy delivery and your baby is four months old now, but your wife is already back at work. You do realize your wife’s body is still recovering from a not easy delivery and nine months of pregnancy but she’s back at work, which makes recovery longer. So I bet she physically needs the help that the sister-in-law provides.
Your sister-in-law is a godsend. Are you going to do everything for your wife and your baby that your sister-in-law does? If your sister-in-law leaves will your wife have to quit her job to stay home? Does she even want to do that? Why do you get to make that decision for her?
How about you, your wife and your sister-in-law sit down and talk about the division of labor in the house? Explain to them that you want to do more child care, more housework, more meal preparation. Make a schedule so that you have set times and days whatever and your sister-in-law has that time off. You really do not know how lucky you have it.
Smile_Miserable wrote:
So based on your comments you say your wife would probably need to quit her job and be a stay at home mom because day care would be financially unsound. Based on that YTA, It doesn’t sound like your wife wants to be a stay at home mom. Also day care is hard to find on short notice. I hope you consider compensating SIL because she is going above and beyond.
FatSadHappy wrote:
YTA. If you want to do all those things - start doing them. Take baby crib to your and wake up at night. No ask someone to wake you up - do it. Cook, clean, take baby for a walk..who stops you? I bet you spend extra time on tv and Reddit.
Clearly, OP is TA and needs to step up and stop acting passive.