"Husband (30M) and I (28F) opened our relationship and now everything is terrible."

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 8. My husband, I'll call him Eric, has always been a really intense person but he's a good man. When we got together I noticed he had a much higher need for physical intimacy than I did, but I would usually sleep him when I wasn't in mood anyway because I love him. He's never vocalized any problems until somewhat recently.

I should also mention, just before we got married we talked about having kids. I'm indifferent to kids whereas he doesn't want them, so agreed not to have them. Over the last year my desire for intimacy has been almost non existent.

I've been checked by doctors and they say nothing is wrong physically but I should talk to a therapist, which I haven't done yet. I haven't even been able to just sleep with him for the sake of it like I was doing.

About 4 months ago he sat me down and we talked about all this and he said he needs physical intimacy, which I told him I understood but I can't give that to him right now. We argued for a bit and he ended up sleeping on the couch. In the morning he suggested we open the relationship. I was heartbroken.

He explained that we either give this a try or end the relationship. So I agreed. We set boundaries: no bringing the person to our house ever, no talking about it, always use protection and regularly get tested. He agreed to all of this.

I was actually surprised how okay I was with this as the months moved along. Even when he'd text me that he's going to be late, or when he'd kiss me and tell me has plans that night. It almost felt like a burden was lifted from me.

Well yesterday my husband sat me down again and said he something really difficult to tell me. For the last couple of months he's been seeing this one girl and she's pregnant.

I think I dissociated a little because I heard him talking but couldn't understand the words he was saying. When I came back to reality I asked if it was his and is she keeping it. Yes and yes. And he plans on being in this child's life actively. I asked him who she was and he told me. It's someone I know, not well but I do know who she is.

I'm utterly heartbroken. I haven't told family or friends yet, I asked him not to. I asked him if he wants a divorce, he didn't say no. He's basically leaving it up to me. So I guess my question is, do I cut my losses and move on or give this marriage another try? I posted an update if anyone wants to know how our conversation went.

What would you suggest she do? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

Just leave. You're a third wheel in your own marriage

cawingcrowcaw said:

No. Call a divorce lawyer and move on. I’m sorry to be blunt but Continuing this will put more of an ocean between you. They will build a relationship bonding over baby, he will probably go to ultra sounds with her, watch her give birth, need to be there while she recovers, get to know the baby and it will just go on and on. Ditch your husband now or you can watch him ditch you slowly.

BeltalowdaOPA22 said:

You agreed to an open relationship you didn't want instead of just ending the marriage. Obviously now you need to end the marriage. You didn't want to be in an open relationship, and you are obviously not going to be okay with your husband raising some other woman's kid. This is probably just a troll post, but if it isn't, divorce is clearly the answer.

Zach_203 said:

just end it. its over. are you getting anything out of this marriage other than someone to split bills with?

Here are some relevant comments from OP:

On her desire for intimacy:

My drive was always low but it was higher when we just dating and when we got married. It declined steadily throughout the years. I am currently on birth control.

I absolutely plan on seeing a therapist, for multiple reasons. I'm going to call on Monday and make an appointment for as soon as I can.

On relationship dynamics:

We share household expenses, and he has taken me out to dinner and bought me flowers on Valentine's Day and my birthday. We've gone in vacations that he usually fronts the bill for. Maybe I wasn't clear enough in the way I described it.

We both put a certain amount of money in our joint account a month for things things the electric bill, internet, phone bill, ect and also for things that need improvement around the house.

On why Poly isn't a option:

I'm not interested in women romantically. And I don't know if I would ever be okay laying in bed at night listening to them hook up in another bedroom.

So poly isn't an option.

On where her husband met the new woman:

They met through a co-worker of his who she dated previously. I've met her a couple of times and she's always been nice. She's beautiful, I don't know much about her personally. I don't know how much they interacted in general, let alone after her and his co-worker ended things.

I don't know why he picked her. Maybe there was always an attraction there. I never asked.

Two days later, she shared this update:

We're getting a divorce. He came home yesterday afternoon and we had a long, very emotional talk. I asked him questions that I never asked when he told me she was pregnant.

He admitted to not using protection. He says he never slept with her before we opened the relationship but he did kiss her. He said she's the only one he's slept with.

He said the night before he gave me the open or divorce ultimate, when we argued about intimacy, was a last ditch effort to get me to work on things. He admitted that he should've just asked for a divorce instead of asking to open the relationship.

He also said I share some blame in this marriage falling apart, which I agree with. I asked him if he remembers if I was always like this, he said in the first 1-3 years of our relationship I was enthusiastic about sleeping together even if my desire was low. He admitted he hasn't been in love with me for a while, and he is in love with this other woman.

I asked why he suddenly wants kids, he said he's slowly changed his mind about kids over the years but never said anything because our relationship has been so broken that it wouldn't have mattered.

He thinks I didn't go to therapy because of my parents, they're very conservative and religious and believe if you pray hard enough God will give you the answer, and he thinks I subconsciously have an aversion to therapy because of them.

I asked him if he hasn't been in love with me for a while why not divorce me when he realized that. He told me he loves me, and he was in love with me once and he wanted to make his marriage work, when he kissed her her he realized it was probably too late but said there was a part of him that didn't want to leave me, he never expected to fall in love with her.

He asked me if I was still in love with him and I said I didn't know. He said that probably means no. We agreed a divorce is the best thing we can do for ourselves and each other.

We also agreed to make the divorce as painless as possible. I want to sell the house, he agreed and said he'll move out in the meantime, he said whatever he doesn't take with him I can keep or sell.

We didn't talk about alamony or anything, I'll let my lawyer and his lawyer deal with that, but I'm not sure I'm entitled to it since I work a decent job, and from what I've read, in my state that might be enough for a judge to say no.

I feel pretty numb right now. I don't think I have the energy to cry anymore. I still haven't told anyone, he said he'll wait to tell people until we get lawyers involved because it's going to be a mess with family and friends once they find out.

Anyway, that's all. He's gone and I'm laying in bed, still processing everything. Surprisingly I don't hate him, I'm not mad. I made a promise to myself to contact a therapist on Monday and I'm holding myself to that this time. I want to thank everyone for the advice. As harsh as some of it was.