"AITA for telling my parents they repulse me?"
WidowerOfSea
I (28m) was married to Amy for 6 years and we had 3 children together. Our sons are now 10 and 8 and our daughter is 6. Amy passed away 2 years ago from cancer. She was sick for a little over a year and at a terminal diagnosis for 8 months.
I helped care for Amy at home with the help of her family (her mom, four siblings and even her grandparents) before she died. And her death appeared peaceful. But Amy's twin Ivy recently discovered that toward the end Amy had been dealing with some crap... courtesy of my parents.
Per Amy's diary she kept before she died, my parents had requested that she write letters to our kids telling them she wanted them to have another mom some day soon and that she wanted them to promise to have their hearts and minds open to that and to not treat my next wife as just my wife or just a stepmom but a mom.
They also wanted her to tell the kids to ask me for a new mom within a few months of her death. She was supposed to tell them it was her dying wish and all sorts of crap. Amy had told them she had recorded videos and wrote letters but that those were not words she would put in either.
My parents hounded her every second she was alone and they were visiting. They made her so distressed in the end. According to the diary my parents told Amy she was a terrible mother and a selfish person for not urging us to move on and find another wife and mom once she was no longer here.
I read those pages myself and I was furious. Even more so because my parents have been urging me to date and explore the prospect of remarrying and when I said I had no interest in that, they told me it's what Amy would have wanted for me.
They even brought up in the last few months that my kids will grow up without a mom. And argued when I told them they always will. Because she died while they were so young.
I texted my parents that I knew what they had done and to stay away from me and the kids. They told me they had done nothing wrong and had no regrets about their actions to make mine and the kids lives better.
That pushed me over the edge and I drove to their house to tell them face to face that they repulsed me, to harass a dying woman, to harass my wife, to make her final weeks more stressful than they already were.
I told them they were sick. I didn't realize when I started that they had friends over. The friends came out to find out what was going on so I told them what my parents had done. Then I left.
My parents tried to defend their actions via text saying I should be so hurt and angry at Amy and not them. When I ignored them they told me I had no right to humiliate them in front of their friends. My siblings also told me I shouldn't have said anything to my parents.
They said I should understand they were putting me first. I asked them if they thought our parents would have harassed me the same way if I had been in Amy's place and they couldn't deny that my parents wouldn't have. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
ColdstreamCapple
Absolutely NTA. As if it isn’t bad enough your parents manipulated your dying spouse they then bring your kids into it??? You may NEVER feel a need to re partner and that’s perfectly ok …..
You need to do what is right for you and your kids ….it makes me wonder if they have someone in mind they’re going to try and force onto you. If it was me I’d take the kids and walk away permanently, What they did is unforgivable in my mind!
The OP responded here:
WidowerOfSea
That's what my therapist said. That I might never feel a need or desire to find someone else and that as long as I'm okay with that, it's perfectly okay. To be honest I expect that will be me. That's what I'm strongly thinking of too. I don't trust them around my kids now.
TemptingPenguin369
NTA. OMG, I don't think there's any coming back from this. They tried to manipulate children and made Amy's final months miserable. I hope you and your children can get past this, and I'd consider never speaking to your emotionally abusive parents (and your siblings who support them) again. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Vast-Journalist-9357
NTA. Please keep your children away from your parents. This is no telling what deluded things they will say to them. Maybe telling them also to be mad at their mother or worse.
The OP again responded here:
WidowerOfSea
I can see that too, unfortunately. So that is what I plan to do. Most likely forever but I am still figuring that out.
Technical_Flan_2438
NTA. How horrible that must have been for Amy, for no matter what your parents intentions were it sounds to me like they were calling here replaceable. You did good, defending her memory. And if your parents truly believe they did nothing wrong, they would have no reason to be humiliated that their friends found out.
skillz7930
WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. F. OP, I’m sorry to tell you this but your parents are literal terrible people. To not only do this to their dying DIL but to double down on it after. And to tell a grieving husband (their son!!) that his deceased wife is a terrible mother for not agreeing to manipulate her children and husband is a level of disrespect and cruelty that’s hard to even process.
I can’t imagine this is the first shitty thing they’ve ever done. No one jumps from a healthy relationship to harassing and bullying a dying woman. You have to make the decision for you but this wouldn’t be forgivable for me.
Could you ever trust these people around your children again? How have they tried to manipulate them in the past and what would they whisper in their ear when you’re not around in the future? I’m so sorry for your loss OP and that your parents are adding onto it in this way. Your wife did not deserve how your parents treated her. You don’t deserve it either.