'My SIL moved in with me and my wife and helped me realize I want a divorce.' UPDATED

"Me (31M) Wife(36F) Marriage has been horrible for the past year. Wife's sister recently moved in. We have a lot of fun together. Made me realize how unhappy I'm in my marriage and I want to divorce."

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. Our marriage has been horrible for me in the last year. My wife is always angry, negative, lazy and blames EVERYTHING that goes slightly wrong in her life on somebody else except herself. I'm a very outgoing and motivated person and like to go out a lot. My wife is less outgoing but use to always try make an effort to go out together and have fun.

For the past year she hasn't done anything in our marriage. She is addicted to her phone and tiktok and barely pays attention when I'm talking or we are doing something. We barely go out anymore and if we do she always finds something to get angry at like a waiter taking a little too long. When we are out eating she is on her phone watching tiktoks and barely communicating with me.

She always wakes up moody and angry and destorys the whole vibe. She curses in every other sentence she says and huffs and puffs if she has to do something that normal grown adults have to. We have also not been intimate for the past 6 months and it doesn't look like something is going to change. I always tell her how much I appreciate her and that I love her and try to do things together.

But she always shuts me down when i suggest doing something because she is 'tired' but then proceeds to watch netflix untill 2 am. She never shows any affection or appreciation towards me.

For the past year I have tried to communicate to her that something needs to change in our marriage but she just gets angry and avoids the conversation instead of talking. It has gotten to the point that I have stopped caring about our marriage and have just been going along and focusing on my personal life and goals.

My wife's sister L has recently gotten out of a longterm relationship and has moved in with us temporarly. L is the complete opposite of my wife. She is happy, viberant, talks and just fun to be around. Ever since she moved in we have been spending a lot of time together because my wife doesn't do anything else than watch netflix and talking to her friends on facetime when she is home.

On the rare occasions she is not doing one of these things, she is out with her friends. L is a very active person so we do a lot of activities together. She joins me when I go to the park to get some fresh air, she helps me cook when I'm preparing dinner and even works out with me in my home gym.

I always try to get my wife to tag along with us but she never does. Spending all this time with L has totally changed my mood. Being around a person that is positive and doesn't complain about every single thing in their life is so refreshing and fun. But don't get the wrong idea, we have never done anything inappropriate, we have just become really good friends that lift eachother up.

The past couple of months since L moved in have made me realize how unhappy I'm in my marriage. Having someone around you that is constantly complaining, cursing and angry drains every bit of energy you have. It's depressing and that's not how I want my life to be. I want to be with someone positive who shows that they care about me and want to have new experiences together with me.

I have tried so hard for the past year to make my marriage work with my wife but I just get shut down. I don't feel loved anymore and appreciated and I don't want to be in this position anymore. I want to divorce so I can move on with my life and find someone who actually loves me and cares for me. I have officially checked out of my marriage and don't want to turn back anymore.

I'm just not completely sure how I should go about the situation now. I know for a fact that I'm going to get trashed by friends and her family for leaving my wife and that I'm somehow going to come out as the bad guy. I want this process to be as clean as possible, but I'm not sure how.

What do you think he should do? This is what top commenters had to say:

Blade_982 said:

"I know for a fact that I'm going to get trashed by friends and her family for leaving my wife and that I'm somehow going to come out as the bad guy." Other people aren't living your life. Don't concern yourself with what they'll think or do

"I want this process to be as clean as possible, but I'm not sure how." Accept it will probably get messy. Life does. You won't just shake hands and part ways. There will be tears and heartache. Don't pursue her sister even after your divorce. Just move on.

rmm035 said:

Get divorced, but don't pursue the sister. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

pineboxwaiting said:

Go see an attorney. Do what they tell you to do. Present your wife with papers. Done.

And Effort-Huge said:

The way she is behaving may be indications of her resorting to escapism due to diminishing mental well being. Perhaps you and her sister can compose an action plan to approach her gently so she can seek professional help.

Commenters all urged him to file for divorce, and warned him to not try and pursue his (future ex) SIL.

He later shared this update on the situation:

My first post got a lot of traction. I appreciate all the supportive messages i have gotten and especially all the people sharing their own experience. You definitely helped me to get some perspective in the matter.

The past couple of days I have been able to clear my head about my marriage. I realized that this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to be with someone who cares about me and loves me. She clearely doesn't. I want to be with someone who respects me enough to put her phone down when we are having dinner and I'm trying to talk to her and isn't ignoring me to watch tiktoks.

I'm done trying and getting nothing in return. I am done giving it my all and getting nothing back. I have been trying to communicate and make things better for a whole year and have been completely neglected. I still have love for my wife butI'm not in love with her anymore.

I want to move on with my life and find the right one for me and lead a happy life. I have already been in contact with my divorce attorney and am getting the process started.

I turned 32 two days ago and my wife didn't even acknowledge my existence. Instead, she went out with her friends that night. Even her sister rememberd my birthday and got me a present. She was even shocked that my wife ignored my birthday like this. We ended up having dinner together at a restaurant and she even paid for the both of us.

I didn't even feel the need to mention my birthday to my wife because I knew that at this point she didn't really care. This really made me lock my decision. I don't care if she is depressed or not, if she doesn't even care enough about me to remember and acknowledge my birthday and rather goes out with her friends, I don't want to be with her.

People kept saying that we should go to counseling and therapy to patch things out. For the past year I have been trying to get my wife to couples therapy with me but she just refuses and gets angry with me as always . I have tried everything I could've thought of to make my marriage work but she pretty much shuts everything down I try.

I've tried so hard to make my marriage work and put in so much effort, but now I have had enough of it. A lot of people tried to diagnose my wife with depression in my previous post, but I'm not a medical professional so I can only talk from my perspective. To me it seemed like she was living her own life without me and that she would get frustrated with everything I got involved in.

I'm not going to say if she has or doesn't have depression, that's not for me to determine. Whether she has it or not, I don't find that a valid excuse to treat me the way she has been for the past year.

She didn't even have the respect to communicate and talk to me like a decent human being instead of being on her phone or ignoring me. If she has depression, she'll have to figure that out on her own without me. A lot of people were also suggesting that I just want a divorce to get with her sister, that's not true.

I want a divorce so I can get myself out of this miserable marriage and so I can move on with my life. I have no plan pursuing her sister. I'm getting this divorce for my own well being. L said that she finds the divorce unfortunate but that she supports my decision. She even suggested that we stay friends after because we get along great.

When I told her that I was divorcing her, some little bit in me hoped she would realize what has been happening in the past year and try to apologize and make things good again or something. Instead she started getting angry with me and started yelling at me. As always instead of taking responsibility, she started blaming me. At this point I stopped caring and didn't respond to all her yelling.

I told her that my decision was final. I also suggested her to see a medical professional to figure her possible depression out, but what she does with that advice is really non of my concern. L knew something was up and tried to talk with my wife about what was going on but pretty much got dismissed and yelled at for getting her nose in our business.

For now, I'll be sleeping on the couch and living my own life. L informed me that she is moving out and was able to find a place so I'll be taking the guest bedroom when she gets out.

I'm in the middle of trying to figure things out with my lawyer and hopefully we will be able move fast in this divorce (ut probably not). I'm mentally preparing myself for everything that will happen to me socially and I accept that. I just want this to be over so I can move on with my life.