Stay-at-home mom struggles with husband who's furious she went over budget on gift.
I feel like this situation is ridiculous but here it is. My(28F) brother's (29M) birthday is coming up, and I wanted to get him a really cool gift since it's his 30th. I mentioned to my husband(49M) that I was going to go shopping for a present this afternoon and he told me to keep it under $200.
I didn't really think about it much and went the store. I ended up finding an Xbox Series X for $500. My brother has wanted one for ages and they're hard to find, and I knew he would be so happy if I got him this. So here's where I may be an asshole, I bought the Xbox.
I came home and showed my husband and he was pretty pissed off. I tried to explain my reasoning but he just cut me off and said that since he's the one who works it's his money and I shouldn't have spent that much when he told me not to.
I argued that it was something special and I wouldn't do it again, and that we have more than enough money that this won't even make a dent in our finances (which is true, hes a doctor and makes more than we need.)
He just kept yelling about how I don't work so I had no right to do that, which I think is a little unfair. He got pretty mean about it too.
He's barely talking to me now and I'm just sitting on the couch on Reddit while he occasionally glares at me. I get it's his money and I went overboard but I knew my brother would be really excited and I wanted to see him happy.
So, am I the asshole here?
Edit: For some background info, I'm a stay at home mom for our kids who are too young for school, which is why I don't have an income. He spends ridiculous amounts of money on whatever he wants and ignores me if I question him, so he isn't the frugal type.
From the comments:
kenzie-k369 says:
Easy problem to solve- get a job and contribute financially. Then you will have your own money to spend.
Leeloodallasmulti from OP:
I have children to take care of, and my husband doesn't want me to get a job. Reading comprehension is your friend.
New-Needleworker5318 says:
So are math skills. It's $300 over, not $200...technically even more because of tax. Does your 30 year old brother not work or something? $500+ is a pretty extravagant gift. Either way, I think you and your husband are BOTH assholes.
Leeloodallasmulti OP says:
It's called a typo. And $500 isn't extravagant to us, I don't see why that matters.
Abstractteapot says:
Do you have an allowances and are you keeping that money for yourself and that's what you spent?
If it's joint money all the financial decisions have to be joint when it comes to a certain amount of money. But that means for both of you, because you're only a stay at home because you're going to live on his income.
Leeloodallasmulti OP says:
No, it's all one giant account, but he never consults me before he spends money and spends much more than I do. This $500 doesn't even make a dent in our finances.
He wouldn't get to be a doctor without me taking care of his kids. If I wasn't doing that I'd be out earning my own money, but he insists I don't work. I shouldn't have to ask permission to use our money. That's what the other comments have opened my eyes to.
Legally, it's half mine.
He is treating you as an unpaid nanny for his children. You need to go back to work asap and he has to paid childcare
Leeloodallasmulti OP says:
He refuses to hire childcare. Right now the baby is only 3 months so I'm okay with staying home, but he believes it's best for children to have their mom in the home with them when they're young. He doesn't want me to work.
alliebird_ asks:
What do YOU want?
Leeloodallasmulti says:
Right now I like being able to stay home with my baby, but I don't want to be treated like I'm not an equal contributor to this family.
viazcon78 says:
NTA. You’re in an abusive controlling relationship. Don’t be surprised when you get put on an allowance next.
Leeloodallasmulti OP responds:
He actually suggested that once, but dropped it pretty quickly.
DoorSubstantial2104 asks:
INFO: can you explain the timelines? You say you met when you were 27, and now a year later you’re married with a 3 month old baby who you conceived on your honeymoon? How quickly did you get married? And how long ago did he split with his ex if you also have 2 step-children under 5?
This whole situation sounds like a mess tbh.
Leeloodallasmulti OP responds:
Sorry, I didn't represent the ages of the children clearly. My stepchildren are twins (5, so half day kindergarten). We met right before my 27th birthday and married 9 months later, which is the week I got pregnant. I turn 29 soon. He had been split with his ex for about a year when we got together.
lonelywarewolf says:
Girl you are being so naive here
Leeloodallasmulti OP responds:
I know we moved really fast. I thought I was old enough to know better at the time. And I was afraid I'd miss my chance and I was getting older fast.
Infinite-Stress2508 says:
Your husband is 20 yrs older than you, he sees you as his item to order around and do as he pleases. He is financially abusing you by making you not work because he doesn't like day care and preventing you from working. If he doesn't like daycare, why doesn't he stay home with the kids a few days a week while you work?
NTA. Everyone who says otherwise is wrong and feel bad for supporting an abusive f*ck as your husband.
Leeloodallasmulti OP responds:
I thought the age difference wouldn't matter, since I met him at 27 and I wasn't very young. But he has different views than mine on some things. Like he's very traditional about the man working and the woman staying home with the kids.
Alonif7795 says:
If you're only 28 now, getting married, having a baby and staying home has all happened quite quickly. Hope you're okay OP.
Leeloodallasmulti says:
Well I had sort of known him through friends for a while before, but you're right, it was a fast timeline. Another thing I overlooked because I felt like I was old enough to know better.
How much is a while..?
Leeloodallasmulti OP responds:
Probably 5 years or so, so even though I didn't really know him then it felt like I'd known him a lot longer when we got married.
VoyagerVII says:
Get counseling, is the first step. If he won't go with you, then go by yourself to help you think through how you feel and what you want changed, and how much you're prepared to push for it.
Leeloodallasmulti OP responds:
I think this is a good plan. When he calms down I'll try apologizing and suggesting counseling.