Stepdad doesn't tell wife that he picked her daughter up drunk from a house party. 'AITA?'
"AITA for not telling my wife that I picked her daughter up drunk from a house party?"
Here's the story:
I'm going to try to keep this short and simple. I always tell my daughter and my stepdaughter if they're ever in a situation that they need to get out of, just call me and I'll drop whatever I'm doing and I will pick them up no questions asked no judgments made.
I let them know that I used to be a teenager once before, I told them everyone is entitled to make bad decisions every now and then. We're only human and it's a part of life. Last weekend I got a call from my stepdaughter (17), she told me she snuck out of the house and went to a party and had too much to drink.
She was scared of passing out at the party because there was people there she didn't know. I got there just in time, she was so drunk she couldn't even walk. I had to pick her up and carry her to the car. I told her I was disappointed that she snuck out, but I also told her I was glad she made the right choice, the safe choice to have me pick her up.
I haven't told my wife about it, because I don't want to violate the deal I made with her. I want her to know that she can trust me. I just hope I'm making the right choice.
Here's what top commenters had to say:
Alchemyst19 said:
NAH, but this is a tough one. The best course of action would have been too make your wife aware of the deal beforehand, and maybe even convince her to agree to it as well. Then, you wouldn't have to keep secrets in your marriage. As it stands, though, you can't really tell your wife without violating the deal you made, and it's important that your daughters are about to trust you.
lsumrow said:
NAH: but try to see if you can convince her to tell her mom herself with your help. It’ll let your wife know that she can trust the daughter and vice versa. That way you can provide judgement free guidance but continue to maintain transparency with your wife. Plus, it will show her how to take responsibility for her actions.
Gorve1011 said:
NAH I think you did right and you need to think about your stepdaughters trust if you tell her mum it will break it and she may hesitate to call you again. I would talk to your step daughter and encourage her to mention it when she is ready to but say your lips are sealed if she doesnt want to.
happy-lil-hippie said:
NTA. You keeping your promise shows her that she can trust you in future situations. If you break that promise she may not trust you, and may not call again
greywinthrop said:
YTA, although your heart is in the right place. This isn't the kind of secret you should keep from your wife, if you want to be a united front in terms of parenting. You told your stepdaughter no questions asked and no judgments, but you didn't promise not to tell her mother, and you should tell her, because she should be on the same page with you as far as trust.
Would you be okay if your wife was keeping secrets about your daughter's behavior from you? Even if you think you would be understanding, how would you feel about the fact that she didn't even give you a chance to make a decision about punishments?
You're also making her into the bad guy and you're now the "cool" parent by default, because your stepdaughter will assume that her mother will blow up at her while you'll let her get away with things. Building trust with her daughter doesn't mean that you should be undermining your wife.
If_only_one_listens said:
YTA if you do not involve your wife in parenting her daughter. You're awesome for ensuring your stepdaughter had a safe call she could make. This can have a positive effect if you tell your wife, provided she follows through on the no-questions/no-judgments aspect.
Your stepdaughter should know you've shared. It demonstrates co-parenting, a marriage with open communication, and lets her know two people are available in her times of need.
"Your mom and I talked about last weekend. She's proud that you thought to call one of us. "I want her to know that she can trust me." You need to figure out if your wife is owed the same respect you're giving your stepdaughter.
Seems commenters are divided on whether keeping this secret from his wife is the morally right thing to do, even if his intentions are clearly good (helping his step-daughter).