Here's the original post:
I had a plan for a 'surprise wedding' for my partner, no proposal, no engagement, we happen to stumble across the scene of an already setup wedding, she's shocked and delighted, we walk down the isle and get married with all our friends and family already there and in on the secret.
I'm not here to debate if this is a good idea, I've considered it for years and come to the conclusion my partner would be delighted by it. I worked out all the details, I know exactly the custom dress she'd have made, the details of the venue and setting, ect ect, this took some work. I talk to her family about it and they're reasonably a bit concerned.
I assure them, and begin to involve her sister (who will be the maid of honor), in the planning. The sister, her husband, and 6yo boy live a couple states over, so they'd have to fly in for the wedding, their spending history and luxury cars, house, and winter condo in a warmer climate indicate that money doesn't seem to be the biggest consideration for them.
I finally pick the date, in early February, excitedly tell the sister and verify the venue is available to be met with this response: "Hi (OP), no problem at all. I'm sorry, but we couldn't possibly make that date. (Her son) and I will be in school and we would have just left (your state) the month prior.
We can be in (your state) anytime between December 20th and January 5th. Is there no way for these friends to be in the area during that window?"
Initially I went along with it but eventually I couldn't continue, I was so enraged that she would presume to tell me when I could get married. The date is important for my partner's preferred setting, hopefully with snow on the ground and early Feb is a safe bet. I haven't told my partner about this because I think it might significantly affect her relationship with her sister.
My problem is that I'm stuck on what to do, my partner incessantly and openly complains about us not being even engaged yet, and everytime she does it increases my negative feelings toward her sister over it.
Normally I talk to my partner about everything. This is eating me up inside and I'm at the point where I hate her sister for it and like the idea of eventually revealing what happened. I know this is not a good way to feel and planned on never telling my partner but my resentment continues to grow everytime my partner mentions marriage or I think about the fact that I could be married already.
WIBTA if I tell my partner what her sister said in response to me having a scheduled wedding surprise date, effectively cancelling my marriage surprise plans?
EDIT: I'm not here to debate whether a surprise wedding is a good idea for my partner. I understand it is a terrible idea for most people, I've spend literally years considering the idea and coming to the idea of doing it. You are not my partner, nor do you know her.
YWBTA. They don’t get to dictate your dates the same way you don’t get to dictate theirs. You also went along with the date change but then secretly got madder and madder. You seem to be assuming that they essentially lied when they said they could not make this date. You have to talk to people. Did you explain why the date is so important? Try to compromise, or consider another date?
The sister is NOT the reason you are not married. You are not married bc you have committed to a specific scenario that relies on elements you’ve been unable to pull together. You have other options. You could propose. You could plan a not secret wedding.
You could do the secret wedding with a different maid of honor. You could change the date. But to tell your finance her sister is what stands between her and being married to you is simply not true.
YTA on multiple levels. 1.) You can still get married WITHOUT her sister there. 2.) It’s really not “that easy” to travel back and forth, money aside. 3.) You sound super controlling. Planning the dress she is going to wear????? Do you not realize that she may want to be part of the planning???
I would be pissed if my partner did this to me. Absolutely pissed. I am not huge on weddings, but I would want to have a say in my own. I believe the engagement period is an important step towards deciding if a union is a good idea. An engagement is a time to plan the wedding together, make choices about what to do, and enjoy it with someone.
So I think YTA for taking away an important relationship step from your partner and then getting pissed her sister can't make it.
And Clare_Not_A_Bear said:
YTA. İf your partner is telling you that she is frustrated with the way your relationship is moving forward (and you can't have a surprise wedding in foreseeable future anyways due to COVİD) then change your plans, and have a tiny surprise wedding, or make the surprise an unexpected proposal, rather than a full of wedding.
Flexibility is key in a marriage, and it sounds like that's something you need to learn, whether it's flexibility with your future in-laws, or with your marriage plans - after all, whether or not this surprise wedding is a good idea or not, it sounds like you've made a unilateral decision that this is the only way you two can get married. İt's not.
So loosen up, make a new plan, and make sure you are getting everyone on board and informed. But for Pete's sake, don't go blaming this mess on someone in your future wife's family!
Verdict: Most commenters agreed OP is the a-hole.
I confessed to my gf the entirety of the situation. She said she would have loved a surprise wedding. I'm relieved but devastated as well. Thank you for the responses, they've granted me some things to think about and that I need to work on putting my ego in check. Yes I am an a-hole, yes I come across as an a-hole. Thank you to those commenters able to articulate your viewpoints in a constructive manner.
Reddit has helped me become closer to my gf and begin working towards a better place in my relationship with her and my in-laws. I'm going to stop responding to comments now, I apologize for being an a-hole.