'Wife fed me a 'little white lie.' I don't know what to do next.' UPDATED 2X

"Wife fed me a 'little white lie' and I don’t know how to react."

I’ll need to set the stage a bit for this one so thanks to all that stick it out and offer to help! My wife and I have been married for 7 years and together for ten. We are both avid motorcyclists and spend quite a bit of time riding, although often separately. She prefers to go out riding late at night on the weekends and for a while got in the habit of not checking in with me.

I imagine any husband whose wife is out on a bike at midnight would worry and has every right to ask where she might be. We got into a lot of fights about this and it seemed very difficult for her to want to keep her whereabouts known. She claimed I was “smothering her” and being excessively needy by having to know where she was at all the time.

We worked through it but I was never really content with how she begrudgingly followed suit like it was some kind of a chore to keep me posted about where she was and when she might be home. I brought this up in therapy and even our therapist raised her eyebrow at the late night rides with no check in. Still, my wife never seemed to see the problem.

Fast forward to a few weekends ago. My wife was out riding and it was getting late again. I sent her a message asking if she was getting dinner while she was out.

She responded with a simple “yeah I’m good, thank you love you ❤️.” I was kind of hoping she’d give me a little more detail as it was getting dark out.

Some time passed and I responded by saying “Sweet! I’m gonna be home for the night. What you up to?” I didn’t get a reply so I followed up with “I really dislike when you don’t care to tell me what you’re doing out on a Friday night.” Maybe this was a little forward of me but she knows how frustrated I get in this situation we’ve dealt with so many times in the past.

This made her very upset and we ended up text arguing. She then gave me a “ttyl” and said she was going to keep riding her bike. Naturally, I kept texting.

After a few messages she responded by saying “I’m trying to drive my damn bike and you are blowing up my phone with this which is uncalled for, I don’t breathe down your neck asking your every move and respect and trust you please do the same , it’s exhausting.”

I had a hunch she was not riding. Maybe what I did next was uncalled for but I drove over to her favorite late night eatery / bar and walked inside. She was sitting at the bar. Her bike was parked outside and I put my hand on the exhaust. It was cold. Less than 10 minutes had passed since she told me she had to slam on the brakes to respond to my messages.

There just was no way an exhaust can cool down that quick. Once again, maybe I crossed the line here but I felt severely betrayed. I went home not long after I sent a quick message that I knew where she was.

We argued about this big time. We made amends and she told me that she would be better about checking in with me in the future. That’s not the white lie though but simply a precursor. Up next is the real issue I’m dealing with.

This past weekend she was out at a local cafe / bar doing some work. She was being really good about checking in with me but it kind of festered out as the night progressed. She told me she was going to go over to her office to finish some work and that was the last I heard of her. I was heading home for the night after a late gym sesh and called her to check in.

She did not answer after the first call and called me back a few minutes later. While we were chatting I could hear others in the background. She was also talking kind of weird. After a minute or so she told me she was getting a call and had to pick it up right away. I kind of understood as the importance of that call was something that affected both of us.

We are in the process of buying a new home and the sellers agent was calling. I was expecting a call back with some news but the call was never returned.

An hour had passed so I called her back to see what she had learned about our offer. She didn’t answer but responded with a text, “Call you in a few!” When she called back I could tell she was in her car. She started telling me all about what she had learned and how long of a conversation it was.

How she also called our lender to check some numbers. It really didn’t add up and I was sensing some plot holes. I asked, “where were you when I called?” She said, “Well I’m driving now. I pulled over to talk to the sellers agent.” I said, “If you pulled over to talk to him, why could I hear people in the background when I called you?”

She didn’t have an answer and I let it slide. It felt so off. When I saw her later that night, I told her I just want her to be able to feel like she can tell me the truth. I was hoping she’d come clean but it never happened.

Now to today.

I checked our phone records because I just couldn’t shake the events that evening. Not at all to my surprise, she had lied to me. After my call to her there were no other calls. She had pretended someone was calling to get off of the phone with me. When I confronted her, she said she was hanging out with friends and just wanted to enjoy herself and it was easier to just lie so that she wouldn’t have to face my reaction.

I was so hurt at this lie. She’s not great with apologies and slapped together a “I’m sorry I lied to you.” The problem I face is they there is always a follow up.

She told me that she feels the need to lie because I’m insecure. I also need to trust her more and it always feels like I never give her room to breathe. I need to work on myself more and be more confident and trusting. It all seemed like justifying her lie. Like somehow it was my fault.

It was not a great conversation and neither one of us was getting any points across. All I know is that I feel betrayed yet again and I don’t know how I can trust her. I also feel terrible that she couldn’t simply admit she was wrong and followed up by making it about my insecurities.

Am I wrong here? I genuinely don’t know what to do. We haven’t talked since and I could use some advice. Thank you to all who sat through this one!

TL;DR Wife lied about receiving a call to get off the phone with me. She was out with friends.me work through such a difficult time.

This is what people had to say to OP:

AnotherDominion said:

I would bet my paycheck she has a boyfriend. I would not buy a new house with your future ex wife. You are being taken for a ride. Put a gps tracker on her bike and you will see. You should have walked into the bar and saw what’s up.

NoContest9016 said:

That’s not a white lie, that’s straight up lying with the intention of hiding something.

Zealousideal_Till683 said:

You are right to feel betrayed. Your wife is repeatedly lying to you. Very likely far more than you are aware. You are quite right not to trust her. She has proven herself untrustworthy. You must also know that there is a considerable chance she is having an affair.

The fact that she is not truly apologetic, and trying to make it about you, would be the final nail in the coffin for me. It's hard for us to judge, maybe you are insecure. But at the least, she's given you plenty of good reason for that insecurity. Given the lack of remorse, it is hard to see how trust can ever be rebuilt. Do you have kids? If not, I would be out of there immediately.

Major-Novel-7275 said:

She sounds single and you sound like you’re having to act like her dad to make sure she’s safe and not doing things that she shouldn’t be doing. Sounds terrible all round anyway.

OP responded:

I have tried to discuss with her how I feel about her autonomy. She really wants to be left alone to experience the world when it’s convenient for her. I have always felt like I am expected to be available when she’s ready to be in a marriage again.

She will often tell me to go out and do my own thing. In my opinion, I don’t want to do that nor do I feel that it is a reasonable request. I want a partner that I can be connected with. This desire of mine is often met with me being told that I am clingy and insecure. It’s a really tough situation.

A few weeks later, OP shared this first update:

A few weeks have passed since I wrote this and I wanted to offer an update for those who requested one. To cut to the chase, we are getting a divorce.

Honestly, experiencing this gamut of emotions has been excruciating, to say the least. I wish this on no one.

When I was fielding your much needed replies, I was staying at an Airbnb to give us time away from one another. She was livid at first but she quickly realized the importance of the time away. I myself had plenty of time to reflect on many of the responses here and spent all my free time journaling to work out my thoughts.

I returned home after a week and we had our heart to heart. Much to my surprise we both came forward equally with the proposition to separate.

Now, I don’t believe she was cheating and I don’t think it’s a substance dependency. These were suggestions that seemed to percolate to the top of this thread. Perhaps I am naive as well, but at this point it no longer matters. Regardless, what we have is a text book case of two people who aren’t right for one another.

We have fought hard to save our marriage over the years and quite honestly, the feeling of failure is the hardest part to cope with. Beautiful memories of our early time together surface in waves and manifest as tears.

Her and I have grieved this loss at different times and in different ways. There will always be the doubt and questioning of “Could we have made it work?” Hopefully the years will reduce that doubt to a a whisper.

In conclusion, we are both amicable at this phase and hope to continue a friendship into the future. That is, a friendship not carried over from a previous marriage, but one rebuilt from scratch. In some ways, I can sense our relationship already healing and improving. I hope this may be a predictor of the future.

I am about to close on my own home soon. There is a subtle undertone of fear in the loneliness ahead but I can see that quickly becoming eclipsed by the opportunity to rebuild myself. I look forward to the journey in growing and learning to love who I am as an individual. I wish her the best as well. Thank you to everyone whose insight helped me work through such a difficult time.

Two months later, OP shared this second update:

Hello all, I (35M) wanted to offer one last update on this saga that is my failed marriage. I will link my initial post in the comments for those who haven’t read it. Anyways, we both “amicably” decided to separate, so I thought. Admittedly, it was a healthy choice for both of us and from what I just experienced I am only more confident moving forward and finding my peace.

In short, I have always been the consistent income. Her (35F) industry is seasonally dependent, and as much as I wanted to just leave, I knew I couldn’t just ditch her to figure out survival on her own. Initially, she had suggested we separate but live under the same roof until next May. This would have given her the safety and confidence to push into her busy summer months.

Of course, I said hell no. I felt that was a crazy suggestion. For one, there is absolutely no way that wouldn’t further poison our already toxic relationship. Second, I really saw the need to break away so that I could heal and rebuild my life which had effectively been decimated.

I decided to buy my own house but I offered to stick around financially until she could earn the funds she needed to start her new life. We had been cordial for the week or so that I finally closed and was settling in (dare I say becoming friends?).

My new house was barren and I quite literally celebrated the purchase of a new couch. As a side, you really don’t appreciate a comfortable place to sit after a long day of work until all you have is a wooden bar stool and a worn out rug from your old home.

We had continued to show each other little acts of good faith but after a few days communication went dark. To be expected I guess? I was loving the serenity of my new home and was beginning to experience a love for myself I haven’t felt in years. Honestly, not having to talk with her brought a sense of relief.

One item I wanted to be sure was made right was a water heater leak at her house (my old house which I still own) I noticed when I moved out. I called a plumbing company to take care of it as I have a busy work schedule. Admittedly, it breaks my heart to even enter that home and I was just as much avoiding that. Sadly, the plumbers canceled twice and I was getting impatient. I figured I would just handle it.

I let her know I would be dropping in and she was more than okay with it. I’m a decent plumber and knew it would be quick work. I arrived on site and diagnosed a pinhole leak. I drained the lines, cut the damaged section and whipped together the repair. Voila.

Her trash can was in the garage and naturally I needed a place to toss the wreckage of my plumbing job. When I open the lid what do I see? A whole ass box of used condoms. I was shocked. My heart sank. I had been out of that house barely a week. Still legally married.

And here I am fixing her house and offering the financial support she needed to move on. I knew in my gut that I no longer wanted to be a part of this. I needed to be free of this misery. I texted her a photo of the water heater with a “Good as new! If you wouldn’t mind, just keep an eye on it for the next day or so.”

She eventually texted back a thank you ❤️. I told her to call me tomorrow so we could chat. My heart was racing for hours. I had felt some insane lows this past month or so but this was the absolutely worst. I wasn’t ready to talk to her, I needed food, I was spent. Well, she called.

She has a real anxiety about “call me” kind of texts. In a way I knew this, but I genuinely needed the night to sleep and collect myself.

Phone rings. “Guess we’re doing this.” I told myself.

I started the conversation by letting her know the water heater is good to go, but she may want to have a professional take a look within the year. Followed by, “The next part of this conversation will be difficult.”

I did not directly tell her I knew she was already hooking up with someone new. I only saw my own destruction in making it my business or even thinking of it. All I said was, “I know you’ve moved on, and I know how you’ve chosen to do so.” I then told her I was removing myself from all shared accounts and she will need to figure it out from here.

Boy was she livid. What was that term you guys taught me in my first post? DARVO? Yes. Lots of that. Tons of gaslighting followed by name calling and accusations. She even insulted my character telling me she thought I took pride in being “a person of honor and respect.” Word?

She kept alluding to how she thought we had agreed to being allowed to have our “needs met.” I didn’t say it outright, but I really think she had twisted what an actual need is. How about financial security? How about a soft landing with your husband of 10 years that you claimed to want to remain friends with? So why am I writing this? A couple of reasons.

For one, it’s the end of my tale. This is the worst I will ever feel about this. It’s only healing and growing from here. Second, a lot of people believed she was cheating in my last post. I didn’t have any reason to believe this. But after how quickly she jumped on some dick immediately after me moving out…maybe y’all weren’t far off.

Third, kind of to vent I guess. I also had to put down my cat with cancer hours ago, my god what a day. Either way, I am so glad to leave that toxic mess behind. I want so desperately to believe I am making the right call to cut all ties. But I wonder, did she owe it to me to try and put off her urges until we split finances? I’d be curious to hear other’s thoughts.