'AITA for not watching my husband's kids so he can go on a trip? He wants a nanny.' UPDATED
"AITA for not watching my husband's kids so he can go on a trip?"
Ok_Refuse999
When my husband and I met he made it clear to me that he wasn’t looking for someone to be a parent to his children. His kids had two parents already and he was just looking for someone that he could have a relationship with, that could be a positive role model.
We dated, got married. Everything was fine. I wasn’t allowed to discipline his kids, and I also wasn’t responsible for them. His ex had primary custody and he just had them on the weekends, and typically he spent his time taking them out and stuff.
His ex died in a car accident last year. We now have sole custody. I’m fine stepping up and doing more for them. I cook for them, help with homework here and there, etc. He’s upset because he never really wanted kids, they’re twins, and being a full time parent sucks.
He wants me to do school drop offs so he can get more sleep, but that’s not really what I signed up for. He’s the one who told me he doesn’t want another parent for his kids. His friend's bachelor party is next weekend. They’re going out of town for the weekend and he wants me to watch his kids for three days. I told him no.
I don’t want to spend my weekend wrangling two six year olds by myself, who will probably be upset with him gone. They’ve never been away from both parents before, and they’ve been extra clingy to him since their mom died. I know they’d probably spend the whole weekend crying.
He thinks I’m being a major a**hole because he wants a break, and he can never make up missing that weekend. I think he’s not being fair to me or his kids. I don’t think going golfing and going to a club with friends should be more important than your young children. AITA?
Edit/update: A lot of people have said that the way things are currently aren’t working. And I agree. To this day I’m still not allowed to discipline the twins, and the other day he yelled at them for accidentally calling me mom. It seems like he just wants to keep being the weekend dad and wants me to be the nanny, not their mom.
I sat down and had a talk with him this morning about what we want in the future. He said that he wants me to step up and do more for the kids. I brought up the topic of them possibly calling me mom, and me legally adopting them.
Because, without me adopting them, if we divorce ever, I’ll have no legal right to see them. I don’t want to become a parent to kids that I have no rights to. He said that them calling me mom and me adopting them would be disrespectful to his ex’s memory. We talked some more but he absolutely refused.
He just wants me to watch them more so he can have more free time. But he still says I can’t discipline them. So I told him that in that case I will no longer be doing any childcare for him, and I’ll be rethinking our relationship. He’s absolutely p*ssed, and thinks I’m overreacting. Well see how it goes I guess.
Here were the top rated comments after this initial post:
LtColShinySides
LOL 'Give me your house.' I hope you told him he's welcome to F off.
Hopeful_Vast1476
NTA. Some of you guys are so damn annoying, I’ve seen some posts where you bash tf out of step parents saying they aren’t the kids' parent when they try to be a parent, but now you’re doing the opposite, oh, you were told you aren’t allowed to be their parent, and now you have to be.
Like I assume they’ve been together for a couple years, so this woman was with this dude not allowed to be the kids parent, and is totally used to that, then it was suddenly thrown into her that she has to be and she doesn’t want her husband running off for the weekend and her be stuck with kids that until recently she wasn’t allowed to do even discipline.
Give her a f*cking break, the dad can stay home and be a parent to his kids like he’s supposed to be🙄
JC_Tiberius
NTA for not wanting to have two obviously traumatized 6 year olds alone for an entire weekend, especially since it sounds like they are absolutely not ready for that either. That's a recipe for disaster.
Your husband is a full-time father now, and he needs to act like it. That means his children are the priority in this situation, and that means sometimes he won't always get the sleep he wants or get to go on every trip any time he feels like it.
But this is a much bigger problem than school drop offs and bachelor party weekends. You had an agreement that worked for everyone when you married. But the situation has drastically changed, and it doesn't sound like the two of you have really discussed how to handle the change in circumstances. The arrangement you previously had is not sustainable or healthy for anyone in the long run.
These children lost their mother, had to move in with someone they saw at most 4x a month, who never wanted them. And it sounds like he is trying to slowly pawn responsibility onto you. It's time to ask yourself if you can commit to actually being a parent to these children, because they are relying on you now.
And if that's something you want, then a discussion needs to be had about roles and expectations. You are either a parent or not. You cannot take on all the responsibility of a parent with children that live with you full time and not be able to have a say in how they are raised.
If it's not something you want or are prepared for, this doesn't sound like this is the marriage for you any longer.
Honestly, it sounds like these poor kids would be better off with different family members. I'd recommend therapy if it's possible. For the kids, to help process their grief and the upheaval to their lives.
For the two of you, to work out how to best support those children, whatever that ends up looking like. I wish those children and you the best. I hope we hear an update. Good luck.
And, two days later, we received the update everyone was asking for.
'Update: we’re getting a divorce'
Ok_Refuse999
Many of you said that the arrangement we had before wasn’t working, and the children need us to step up and be good parents. And I agreed.
My husband however, wants me to do the childcare chores (school pickups and drop offs, laundry, making dinner, etc) but won’t let the kids call me mom (they’ve done it on accident and he’s yelled at them), he won’t let me adopt them, and I can’t discipline them (I can’t put them in timeout for bad behavior).
Basically, he wants me to do the chores to make his life easier while he’s their only real parent. I mentioned to him my concerns, that I don’t think it’s fair to them to deny them a mother when they obviously want one. I also don’t want to build a stronger emotional bond with children that I have no legal rights to.
I couldn’t imagine that I become their full time caretaker and then we get divorced and I never get to see them again. That wouldn’t be fair to me or them. The woes of being a stepparent, I guess.
Despite all my concerns, he’s not budging. I’ve told him that in that case, I want a divorce. I contacted a divorce attorney, a personal friend, yesterday and I was advised to give him thirty days notice to move out. Before starting an eviction process.
The house is mine from before we were married. My husband is mad because I’m the breadwinner, 200k vs 40k, and he can’t afford to house his children in the same school district and give them the same quality of life.
He wants me to give him my house “for the sake of the children”, yet I don’t think he’s ever cared that much about what’s best for them. I’m terribly sorry for the kids, that their mom died and their dad sucks as a parent.
But I can’t resolve myself to be an unpaid babysitter for their sake. It’s obvious I wasn’t being viewed as an equal partner. I think I’m done dating parents. My cat is done dealing with kids too.
Edit: guys he’s not getting alimony. I live in an anti-alimony state and we were married a year. We also have a prenup. I have a good lawyer, I don’t need the “oh he’s definitely getting alimony” comments.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
mdthomas
This makes me so mad. He wants to play the 'for the children' card but won't even let you and the children bond. Throw in wanting you to be an unpaid nanny and housekeeper..
This man is not fit to be a father. He doesn't get to have everything handed to him just because he is a single father. NTA.
Glassgrl1021
The part that got me was she’s not even allowed to discipline them. Can you imagine having to watch young twins for days without support without being allowed to tell them no? No way I would sign up for that.
CraftyPumpkin1861
That’s insane. If you are looking after kids for any length of time you have to be able to discipline them in some way, whether or not you are a parent or family member.
Is he seriously suggesting that his wife shouldn’t be able to impose some kind of consequence if they are throwing things at her or hitting each other? No time out? No ‘no more tv for the day’? To ban his wife from using some kind of sensible discipline is madness unless she is never alone with them and he is always there to instantly intervene.
dragongirl17
Nta this dude is wild , he shouldn't get anything f that , how dare he even have the audacity. He sounds like he was just using you for your money, childcare and house.
The OP returned with what appears to be their final update regarding their situation.
Ok_Refuse999
Edit: guys he’s not getting alimony. I live in an anti-alimony state and we were married a year. We also have a prenup. I have a good lawyer, I don’t need the “oh he’s definitely getting alimony” comments.