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Woman with ADHD asks if she's wrong to tune out when wife tells stories.

Woman with ADHD asks if she's wrong to tune out when wife tells stories.


It can be hard if your significant other has a disability, but is there ever a time when you can call them out for it? When this woman with adhd and bipolar disorder says she can't focus during her wife's stories, she takes to the popular Reddit forum to ask:

'AITA for not being able to focus during wife's stories bc of having ADHD+Bipolar?'

Pronouns are she/her, we are a same-sex couple (since I've gotten messages assuming I'm a misogynistic male 🤷‍♀️)

My wife always gets mad when I do other small things while she's telling me a story. For example, looking at plants, checking what day it is, looking for a coffee cup, getting distracted by noises, etc.

For example, this morning she was telling me a random story about how her walk with the dog went and while I was listening and heard her, I got distracted by noises and picked up my coffee cup and multitasked.

She told me she didn't feel heard and I hurt her, and that this happens all the time. When I tell her Im listening and can recite back what she says, she says 'yes but you didn't HEAR me.'

When I say she hurts me when she says those things because I can't control my attention span, she says it's an excuse and that she's seen me fully engaged in other conversations before.

Am I the AH????? Should I be trying harder? When I try harder I focus too much in trying to focus and don't hear what she says anyway. I don't want to hurt my wife, but it hurts that I've always been this way and she still gets mad about something I can't really control.

Well, let's find out. Is OP the AH? Reddit was all over the place with these answers.

whoozyradish writes:

YTA. I also have ADHD, there is a big difference between your hands or eyes fiddling vs you going on about your business.

stockfluffy554 disagrees:

OP has stated that they have ADHD. When you have ADHD, you cannot choose what you focus on, it is literally an attention deficit. We don't get to choose what we pay attention to, and even with medication, it's a craps shoot on if the medication will even work. OP is NTA for something that they actually can't control.

achtungbite makes this counterpoint:

YTA. OP, you need to make the effort. Come on. I know it's hard, but you need to learn how to not disconnect when your partner needs you to be connected. Involve her in the process, ask for feedback, discuss you taking small breaks during talking, learn to 'sit on your hands' if you need to (I sometimes actually need to do that).

You making an effort and involving your partner in it (while you still accepting it's your responsibility) will make it possible for her to accept that SOMETIMES you actually need to fidget.

Well, I don't know what to believe at this point. It's hard to say if OP is making excuses or literally cannot focus. What do YOU think? Do YOU have any experience with a partner with ADHD?

Sources: Reddit
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