Woman goes big for husband's birthday, he doesn't for her, internet says: 'dump him.'

Gift giving is just one of many ways you can show someone they matter to you. In many cases, it's not about the size or cost of the gift - but the thoughtfulness and execution behind it. If you're in a long-term relationship, you have a lot more time and intel to learn your partner's expectations and hopes around gifts.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her husband she doesn't want his present. She wrote:

"AITA for telling my husband that I don’t want his present?"

Sorry for the long post but I am so numb & don’t know who to talk to. Over the last 5-6 years I(36f) have gotten my husband (35m) birthday lunches, Framed photos of his art, a website of all his work that I made myself, microphone & amplifier, Apple Watch, leather jacket. A small party on a boat, a private seaside dinner. These were always along with cakes & cards. I am not rich. I just save for him.

He did nothing for my first 3-4 birthdays, or any other life events. Then for the 4th year he sent me $15 gift directly from the seller & not even wrapped. The 4th year I told him that he either reciprocated properly or we are done. That year he buys me jewellery & flowers on valentines but does nothing again for my birthday.

We fight again so he admits that he didn’t have much money but promises to fix it & sends me cake and flowers the next day. The fifth year he goes all out sends me a coach bag, flowers, cake, and everything & I am overjoyed. He promises me that he will celebrate me all the time and manage his planning better. I told him that if money is short then we must communicate.

He recently released a successful music video. So I booked him a private seaside dinner with five courses of his favourite food, a very expensive perfume, the restaurant played his music. Then he does nothing for Valentine’s Day. This year for his birthday I buy him a $450 jacket that he had mentioned wanting and a cake.

Now for my birthday last week he surprised me at midnight with cake & flowers but the next day we did nothing till the evening so I was pretty sad. But at 5 pm he surprised me by calling my parents and sisters for tea and he got me a second cake, I see my parents every other weekend so I was kinda hoping for a romantic date that he hasn’t taken me on since our wedding.

I told myself that it’s enough and I must be grateful. But the next day my sister told me that he had told her that “her gift is on its way”. So my hopes suddenly got up again and I started getting excited. Today I asked him what my present was, and he said he had ordered me a pair of JBL headphones. But the order had gotten canceled 3 times.

I was so heartbroken- because I could tell he was lying & there was no present or no order- so I said I don’t want it coz I have my own. I didn’t fight at all today. Now he is being distant. The reason I am mentioning the cost of products is because he often gets the finest things for himself and I feel like an afterthought.

What hurts the most is that there is a designer belt sitting near our door since a month that he ordered for himself. So I don’t think it’s the lack of money. I have seen him browse watches for his friends' wedding months in advance. My sister says that I was an AHafter he planned such a nice birthday for me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that he lied to her about my present.

People had plenty to say, per usual.

DarkSpeedster74 wrote:

I'm gonna say NTA, but I was tempted to say you were because you're not respecting yourself. This guy is putting in so little effort, and only tries a little after you practically beg him. You deserve so much better. Even if he doesn't have a lot of money, he can plan things to do with you.

You can go on cheap romantic dates, and gifts don't have to be all about the monetary value - he just seems to buy basic stuff that you would get for someone you don't really know. In addition to this, you are going absolutely all out for someone who won't put in a fraction of your effort. At the very least, I would stop spending so much money on him.

frope_a_nope wrote:

Dear- you are an afterthought. Accept it now or move on.

Trailsya wrote:

Stop buying him expensive gifts.

Actually, just stop this relationship. He could have at least brought you flowers your first few birthdays.

NatashOverWorld wrote:

If you've spent 5 years trying to badger him into caring, and it's hit and miss with some lies thrown in, it's not going to get better. You need to decide if you're willing to accept this for the rest if your life. NTA.

Some_Release2350 wrote:

NTA. Cost is not the issue. It’s the thought and appreciation of you he does not have.

Girl I’m so sorry. Happy birthday!🎉🎂🎊

After receiving a flurry of comments and judgments, OP jumped on with some additional information.

Additional info: Thank you to everyone who empathized with me and understood that it’s not the lack of material things that’s hurting me. It’s the breaking of promises. I am sorry that so many of you have gone through it yourself. And to everyone calling me materialistic. I don’t expect ANY other person to get any gifts or plans for me. Not even the guys I dated before him.

But my husband was the first person whom I started expecting this from because I saw how much he loves shopping and he made promises of spoiling me. EVERY SINGLE present or plan I got him was related to his art, passions, and wants. I don’t want him to spend a certain amount, I just want a non-generic birthday or Valentine’s Day or a professional win. I too got promoted twice in 4 years.

I am not rich, but I am not poor either. I am actually very disciplined with money that’s how I manage to save for presents. I spoil my parents, his parents, my siblings and his siblings, and would never ever ever expect them to get me ANYTHING in return. I guess the reason I spent so much on him is because he is the most valuable to me. But I don’t think I am to him.

The first time I ever fought with him was when he sought my help to choose a wedding present for his best friend 2 months in advance. That made me realise that he does care and can plan, just not for me.

It sounds like it might be time for OP to drop him for someone who values her reciprocally.