Woman asks if she was wrong to use her nanny cams to catch husband lying. AITA?
The garlic bread is a metaphor?
This one escalates so quickly it might make your head spin. It sounds so mundane and unimportant but, there is obviously something deeper going on in terms of this couple's issues.
'AITA for checking our nanny cam footage to prove I was being lied to?'
This will sound ridiculous, but just stick it out.
Recently, my spouse, daughter (5), and I were having dinner together. He took some food off her plate to try a bite and she responded by shaking her finger and saying 'You need to ask!' He said 'I'm sorry, you're right, I should ask,' and then a few minutes later, reached over to my place setting and took some of my food without asking.
I didn't think it was a great example for our daughter considering it happened moments earlier so I said 'You didn't ask. You just did the same thing to [daughter].' He said, 'I assumed you were done eating.' and I said 'You assumed. But just ask me.' so he handed it back to me, said 'Can I have some of your garlic bread?' and I shared. Very calm, normal exchange.
Because this was a non-issue and I was not upset at the situation, we tried to use it in marriage counseling as an example of how to communicate in certain situations, mainly, when I say something hurt me and my spouse wants to explain how he experienced the event instead of apologizing.
It became an issue when he only wanted to give HIS side of the food story in counseling. Later that day, I asked him calmly again, if he would like to share his side to see if it changes my perspective.
I said 'I can't argue with your experience since we both agree on what happened' - and to my surprise he indicated we did not agree. He told me he took the garlic bread from my place because he 'got it for both of us.'
I knew this was nonsense as I order from this restaurant frequently and know how much garlic bread comes with the dish. I got insanely angry, because we argue constantly about how things happen, so I stormed off. Later, he came to me and said 'I'm sorry, I thought the garlic bread was mine and I was wrong.'
So by this point, I'd been told that he got garlic bread for us both, and then that he thought the bread was his. I felt crazy as I usually do when these conversations happen with him, so I thought to check the nanny cam to see what really happened.
He handed me my food saying 'and there's garlic bread on top for you' and then later, when I called him out for taking it from my place, he didn't say 'This bread is mine?' or 'I got this to share,' he said 'Okay. Can I have some of your garlic bread?'
I took these clips from our nanny cam and sent them to him, asking why he would lie about something so small and turn it into a massive thing. He immediately got mad and said 'I can't believe you would do something as ridiculous as checking the camera. You're so out of line.' and stormed off.
So reddit, am I the a**hole/out of line for using our nanny cam to call my spouse out for lying?
Here were the top comments from readers:
This man is a gaslighter. He lies to you repeatedly, over nothing, then paints YOU as the problematic one for looking at the record to point it out. But obviously you wouldn't have to look at the camera if he didn't keep lying!
He even lies in MARRIAGE COUNSELING. Think about how little he must believe in the marriage and the marriage counseling process for him to lie to the counselor. He has no desire to improve or fix the marriage as long as he keeps doing this.
He needs individual therapy for sure and you should not put up with this awful behavior, it is very manipulative. This is not a person with good intentions, this is a selfish person. NTA.
NTA but, as I'm sure you know, the issue isn't the garlic bread.
NTA. He is mad he got caught gaslighting you.
ETA: He knows and you know this isn't an isolate incident about the garlic bread but to save face he needs to turn it around on you.
The fact that you had to actually look at camera footage to prove he wasn’t lying to you?! And then he lied during your marriage counseling session?
Wow. Your husband sucks.
NTA. You aren't out of line.
You thought one thing happened - he said another thing did - so you went and verified and showed him, 'Hey, actually, this is what happened'. Instead of him going, 'Huh, I guess you're right, my bad'
He got really angry and stormed off. A completely normal and not over the top reaction to being shown you are wrong.