Woman cancels Christmas trip with husband and twin after they don't help, or thank her.

Every vacation needs a little bit of planning in order to go smoothly, but planning can be a thankless job. All too often, the planning passively falls onto one person, who is then treated like a nag for reminding others about the scheduling and costs associated with the adventure. This dynamic, if unchecked, can lead to some long-term burnout and resentment for the planner.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for refusing to go on vacation with her husband and his twin until they start expressing some gratitude. She wrote:

"WIBTA for canceling Christmas? I (31F) am tired of planning vacations for my ungrateful husband (33M) and his twin?"

My husband and I have been together for seven years, and married for three months. We both work high-stress jobs, with high incomes and no children, we are frugal and spend our money on savings and trips. In our relationship, I plan our retirement, keep track of finances, host friends/family, arrange gifts, make appointments, and plan our vacations (we travel a lot).

For his part, he does laundry and cooks and does the dishes more than me. He gets along well with everyone and is the more “easygoing” one. On our trips, I’ve asked my husband to help me with tasks ranging from helping me plan beforehand, to finding an Uber.

Usually, he ignores me until it’s too late and I have to make the decision, or he makes mistakes (getting an Uber to the wrong place, or forgetting beach towels I asked him to bring). Mistakes aren’t a big deal, but he places the blame for them on me. This issue is not new to us, for our wedding I did 99% of the planning and he promised in return that he would plan a honeymoon.

Right before the wedding, he looked up a Costco package that was almost twice as expensive as we’d agreed to spend, and that didn’t have guaranteed spots. What I really wanted him to do was not to find an all-inclusive unaffordable trip (that we didn’t go on) but do something that was tailored to us. My husband also has a twin brother that often comes along with us.

Like my husband, his twin doesn’t help plan and he has never thanked me for planning trips for us. He behaves like coming on the trips is a gift to me. Outside of this, I’ve tried to be his friend, but I feel no reciprocity. I get him gifts for his birthday and holidays, text and call him, and include him (i.e. asking him if he wants me to write his name on a Mother’s Day card when he hasn’t helped pick a gift).

Right now, we’re all on a flight back from Hawaii where I researched hotels and flights, put together a schedule, booked hikes and dinners, rented a car, etc. When I brought up the fact that they complained a lot and never said thank you, my brother-in-law said that he told me the “sunset was nice” and that is the same as a thank you.

When I told this to my husband and explained how upset I am with both of them for not helping me (not yelling but definitely not in a calm way) he told me to f*** myself. My husband also said that if I cancel future trips that I’m no longer invited to my in-laws Thanksgiving (the one thing his mom plans).

I’ve already planned and booked an elaborate three-week Christmas trip to Italy for the three of us (they say they want to go, while doing nothing) but I just feel exhausted. At this point, I’m considering canceling it entirely, canceling my own portion, or canceling one or both of their portions and going solo. Would I be the AH if I took one of those paths?

TL;DR: Burned out wife unsure about how to proceed after planning numerous unappreciated vacations for husband and brother-in-law, thinking about canceling an upcoming trip.

People had a lot to say about this uneven dynamic.

sunset-tx-armadillo wrote:

NTA -But in a 7-year relationship prior to your marriage, surely this has been an ongoing problem. Why did you marry him? Or by extension, his twin it sounds like.

Your husband told you to “f**k yourself” then threatened to exclude you from the family Thanksgiving for canceling trips where you do all the work-hell no. Cancel your husband and his twin’s Christmas trips and go solo. But I would suggest a trip to the divorce lawyer first.

2Whom_it_May_Concern wrote:

Yikes. Too bad you cannot go back in time three months. NTA. You don't have a partner. You have a taker. He is putting in the bare minimum effort and getting far more back. You expressed your concerns and he told you to F yourself. He is an AH. His brother is too.

IAmHerdingCatz wrote:

Your husband and his brother sound exhausting. I would make that Christmas trip to Italy for only one person, and enjoy not going to the in-laws for Thanksgiving. NTA, but your husband and his weaponized incompetence sure is.

PrincessVeganBimbo wrote:

OP get on birth control that can’t be tampered with. You do not want children with him. He is already a child. He will make you do all of the childcare. Stop investing in your relationship with the twin. If he doesn’t pick out a gift for Mother’s Day, don’t hound him to sign it. If he doesn’t give you gifts or make any effort, don’t make an effort either.

You should get into therapy with your husband. You need a mediator. Him using that language with you is unacceptable. So is his behavior and threats about thanksgiving. Who is paying for these trips?

And OP responded:

Financially, we all split the trips exactly equally. We make all about the same amount of money. When all of us travel too, it is cheaper than a solo or couples trip, so that benefits everyone. I agree about children, part of the reason for the trips was that we wanted to travel before kids and adult life (i.e. a house purchase).

But I don’t want to be the mom who is stressed out at Disneyland with the husband who’s criticizing everything. I’ve told my husband this too, to me, this period of our lives is the time to really practice being the kind of people we want to be as parents, and I feel like I see a pretty grim future there. He says that as a parent he will be better?

ClipClopThePony wrote:

NTA but if my husband told me to “f myself” when I was venting a valid frustration to him about himself and his hanger-on brother, he wouldn’t be my husband for long.

OP is NTA here, but her husband is a big one, and it could reflect a larger issue in their marriage.