Woman tells husband he needs to set boundaries with ex after she mooches. UPDATED.
Marrying someone who has a child with an ex comes with its own set of baggage. Even if they're on amicable speaking terms, and have the boundaries of their co-parenting mapped out, things are bound to go off-script at some point. Figuring out how to stay out of their mess while drawing your own lines in the sand can be a delicate balancing act.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she's wrong for telling her husband he needs to draw firm lines with his ex moving forward. She wrote:
"AITA for telling my husband he needs to draw clear lines with the mother for his child?"
Am I an a-hole for demanding that my husband draw clear lines with the mother of his child? My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship for context she’s 5 years old. Prior to us getting married my husband & his ex-girlfriend had what seemed like a well-oiled machine when it came to co-parenting their daughter.
I’ve always said I wouldn’t date men with children (I don’t have any children of my own yet) because I didn’t want that extra baggage, but to be honest it was their co-parenting relationship that passed my mind at ease to become comfortable with the idea of becoming serious about him. I love my husband & his daughter dearly, however, her mother is slowly becoming a pain in my a**.
Prior to me being in the picture all expenses for their daughter has been split 50/50, there were no problems besides the little oddball expenses here and there that my husband had to cover 100% again nothing major. It all started over the summer, my husband's ex-girlfriend wanted to go out of the country for a two-week trip she asked my husband if he could pay for their daughter 100%.
At first, he said he would. But then, it dawned on him that she has been pulling this kind of stunt for a few months now - where all of a sudden she’s unable to pay for her portion of their daughter’s expenses. He then told her that he would pay for half as they’ve both been doing for years.
I don’t think she was too happy with that but they went on their trip in summer and all seemed to be well until it was time for school. She told him that she would not be able to pay for half of their daughter's tuition as she’s been doing, along with her portion of the house old expenses for the home that she shares with their daughter.
This is essence means that he’s going to be expected to fill the gap. As a result of all that’s happening, my husband said that now wouldn’t be the best time for us to start our own family as he would be stretched too thin financially. We have been talking about having a baby for the past few months and we about to start trying.
Quite frankly I’m pissed that we have to put start our family on hold due to his ex not being able to pull her weight financially. Am I the a-hole for tell him that he needs to draw clear lines that his responsibility is his daughter alone and his ex needs to figure out her s#$t and start pulling her financial weight again like she’s been doing?
The internet was fully invested in the situation.
Superman530 wrote:
NTA. She suddenly can't pay for childcare expenses right after a two-week international vacation? Ex-girlfriend has decided to try to squeeze as much money as she can get out of your husband.
holisarcasm wrote:
NTA, but they need a formal agreement as to parenting and payment of expenses. If she can't afford the school the child has been going to, then the child can go to public school. He should not be paying for her vacations with mom. That is for mom to pay for or she can leave the child home with him while she goes.
This isn't a draw clear lines, it is get a formal agreement and hold her to it. She can't pay her half of the home, then sell the home and she can figure out her place to live.
WaywardMarauder wrote:
NTA. If mom can’t afford to pay, maybe she shouldn’t be going on fancy trips and sending her daughter to a private school.
coastalkid92 wrote:
NTA. It does sound like a more formalized child support system needs to be put in place. However, if they've always had a great co-parenting relationship and this is a newer development, perhaps he should go to her as a friend and ask her what's up and what has changed for her financially.
ConfidentAd9359 had a crucial question:
My sticking point in all of this...why on earth would he pay ANYTHING for a two-week international vacation that he was not attending??? He very much needs to get a court order stating exactly how much he has to pay for anything. Mom needs to figure her own finances out. I say this as a single mom.
And OP shared an update in response:
When this was brought up initially my first reaction is why are you taking a trip you can’t afford to go on (I said this to my husband) she asked us to keep her for the two weeks she would be gone for. We didn’t have a problem with that. But she’s very sneaky. She was talking about both of them going on this trip prior to her asking us to keep her, my husband's daughter thought she was going all along.
Then her mom said well mom can’t afford it for the both of us you have to stay with daddy -_- which to me is pretty messed up because why build up a child’s hope then crush it? She then said well I don’t have a problem taking her you just have to pay for her portion of the trip.
It’s the manipulating I don’t like. When we have her for weekends and weeks for trips and so on we cover all those expense, she never asked to chip in.
It's pretty clear that OP is NTA here, but there are some glaring red flags with her husband's ex, and if those aren't deal with - it could sink OP's marriage.