A simple roast joke for one person can be a full-on insult to another. So much of the line between good-natured humor and tense negging lies in mutual respect between both people.
If the person being roasted doesn't feel a real friendship with the person roasting them, they might just feel insulted. Likewise, if the person always slanging jokes at other people's expense hasn't made their genuine emotions clear, it can be easy to read each punchline as a gut punch.
If a partner's friend is constantly joking about you, it can either feel like a warm embrace or a passive-aggressive critique. It's all in the delivery.
AITA for not defending my husband?
My husband (31M) and I (30F) have been married for three years. About four months ago, we found out that I was pregnant with our first child. We were overjoyed, and told most of our family about it early on. My husband didn't want to reveal it to our friends yet, and so I didn't. It was incredibly hard for me, especially because I couldn't tell JJ (30F).
JJ and I have been best friends since we were 14. I love her to death, and we tell each other every single thing. But I decided to respect my husband's wishes this time. JJ also moved 3 hours away from us earlier this year, so she doesn't visit as much either. Naturally, over the past month, more and more of our friends have gotten to know about it.
But I couldn't find the right time to tell JJ, and my husband didn't insist much either. Yesterday, JJ visited us and I revealed the pregnancy through a small box that said 'You're an aunty now!' with a baby onesie. Now, JJ's a little goofy. Which is what I love the most about her, she doesn't care what others think and is just a very entertaining person in general.
When she saw the text, she immediately started screaming and then cried and hugged me. It was a very emotional moment for both us. My husband seemed pretty happy about it too, although he's known to not adore JJ's amusing behavior sometimes. She's a huge jokester, and loves roasting him.
After the reveal, she gave him a huge hug, then a pat on the back and said 'Damn Mike, didn't know you could do that.' This was clearly a joke, and everyone in the room let out a laugh. My husband was not very happy. He responded with 'You know, this is why you were the last one to know about this' in a very passive-aggressive tone.
JJ was taken aback and confused. She asked me if that was true, and when I responded with an explanation, she said she was kinda hurt, but was happy for us. The excitement died down in the room after that, and everybody left soon after. I got really mad at my husband for saying that to JJ, but he says that he is tired of her cracking jokes and not taking things seriously.
And most of all, he hates that I never 'take his side.' Knowing JJ, she's really just kidding most of the time and I don't think there's anything to be that offended over. My husband thinks I'm being an a**hole here by not defending him. What do y'all think, AITA?
'She's a huge jokester, and loves roasting him.'
And I'm assuming your husband has expressed his displeasure at this behavior in the past. It doesn't matter if JJ likes roasting him; if he doesn't also like it (and he clearly doesn't), then it isn't roasting - it's bullying. And, like many who have been bullied continuously, he had finally had enough and clapped back. Was it mean? Yes. But so was her bullying.
If you don't have the awareness to see how her bullying affects your husband, that's a you problem, and you don't get to blame him when he stands up for himself. YTA, and you need to talk to JJ about her bullying your husband. After you have a serious look at how you've helped enable that behavior for years AND apologized to your husband about it!
ESH. You and your friend, not your husband. It sounds like she likes to 'roast' him and he doesn't like it. That's not 'entertaining' behavior. This probably isn't the first time he's reacted to one of her 'roasts' and it's probably not the first time he's talked to you about it.
He says he's 'tired' of this. If she doesn't take him seriously, why wouldn't you step up and say something to her? You say she doesn't care what others think. She should care what your husband thinks about what she says to him. You should too!
YTA. Clearly there's a history of your husband not liking JJ's 'banter' jokes. You and JJ should respect that. Just because you and your friends finds her jokes funny does not mean they are harmless to everyone.
You don't get to be the judge of how your husband (or anyone else) feels and what offends him. Only he can decide that. Getting mad at him for being offended invalidates his feelings. No wonder he's resentful.
YTA. Your husband has obviously told you that your friend can make him uncomfortable at times and doesn't like to be joked about by her. And your response to him up until now has basically be 'suck it up it's just who she is' like that's a free pass to be a jerk to him. It may be funny to you, but is should be pretty freaking obvious by now that it isn't to him.
And his wife laughs at the jokes too, which probably makes it worse. I mean, way to empathize with someone you care about. Would it have been so hard to at least try and explain to JJ not to act that way towards him?
The verdict is in, OP is TA for not taking her husband's feelings into more consideration.