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Woman kicks husband out after finding revealing pics of the nanny on his phone. UPDATED 3X.

Woman kicks husband out after finding revealing pics of the nanny on his phone. UPDATED 3X.

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Once the trust in a relationship is broken, it's very hard to get it back. In many cases, you have to ask yourself whether it's worth all of the work.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for kicking out her husband after discovering n*des from the nanny. She wrote:

"Am I wrong for throwing my husband out after finding n*des from the nanny?"

I’m new to Reddit but my little sister suggested I ask here. I’m 28F, my daughter is Cassie 11 months and my husband is Alex 35. So basically it’s just what the title says. I had Cassie and then returned to work (psychologist) as I could never be a SAHM. I’m actually French but live in the US.

So when I returned at the four-month mark, as I had a difficult birth, we looked around to find a nanny whilst myself and Alex were at work. We saw a few girls but then one of Alex’s colleagues suggested his daughter who had dropped out of college. Let’s call her Liv 20f. Everything went well, I noticed her being quite attached to Cassie but I brushed it off as a good friendship between the two.

She also liked Alex, it was obvious she had a crush on him, always batting her lashes and giggling. I actually found it amusing as I’m confident in myself. He always laughed it off with me too. But then on Thursday night, he asked me to do something on his phone whilst he bathed Cassie and I saw some pictures flash up from Liv.

When I looked at them they were obviously sexy nudes, she was wearing skimpy lingerie and in provocative poses. I looked back at the history and she had been sending these for a while. As far as I can see Alex has never responded but obviously texts can be deleted. When I asked him he got defensive and told me to stop using my psychiatrist tricks on him 🙄.

I was not happy with his non answers and it ended up in a shouting match waking Cassie. So I got him a bag and threw him out. Told him he’s not welcome back until I have answers. I’m considering taking Cassie back home to see my family in France for a little bit. His mother and friends have been blowing up my phone saying I’m being too harsh and they were harmless texts.

Nevertheless I feel disrespected and that doesn’t fly with me. Was I too harsh? Should I except his claims that he never responded?

EDIT: Not husband, fiance! Also I'm not taking Cassie to France. We will visit my family for a few weeks and Alex has given consent.

Redditors had OP's back all the way.

seidinove wrote:

You are not wrong. Even if the very first nude text was unsolicited, he should have alerted you immediately and discussed with you what to do about it.

Letzrotltr wrote:

Harmless text???! Why would she ever feel comfortable disrespecting you like that and opening that door? That’s complete BS and very strange he never said anything the very first time it happened.

LurkerFailsLurking wrote:

NTA. I've received unsolicited nudes before from a young woman I knew. I immediately showed my wife and replied to her something like this:

"It's wildly inappropriate to send people nudes they haven't asked for and even moreso to married people whose marriages and parenting and even careers could be ruined from an impulsive decision. Also, once pictures like these are sent out, you lose control of them and they could potentially be used against you in various ways. Please keep yourself and other people safe and never do this again."

And OP responded:

"Thank you for your POV."

1ofdwights70cousins wrote:

Just a reminder:

People who have cheated (this is CHEATING) but are good candidates for reconciliation will NOT randomly start calling every friend and family member to tell them what happened and they will not have those people start blowing you up.

They want privacy after taking accountability. ONLY bad candidates for reconciliation spread crap. He tried to get to them first to tell his “truth” before you could blow the whistle on what actually happened. You should assume they know nothing of the real events (considering you are still in the dark since he’s still not being honest).

He also is attempting to gaslight you by saying you’re manipulating him psychologically by pointing out that it doesn’t make sense for him to not have deleted the photos. He likely has been deleting their messages but he has been keeping the spank bank material. ALSO. This is a girl barely out of teen years. It doesn’t matter how big of a crush she had. Your husband is a grown man.

I can GUARANTEE that your husband is the one who initiated, regardless of how much flirting she did. She is giving you the respect HE let her know you’re worthy of. HE let her know cheating is on the table. HE opened the door. HE accepted the photos and HE modeled the secrecy and behavior he wants from her.

Do not allow him to convince you this girl 15 years younger is somehow the one in power and in charge of their dynamic. That’s a ridiculous notion. He is NOT NOT NOT a good candidate for reconciliation. Go see your family. Kick him out. It’s time to set up child support and visitation; you can’t be with this man.

Not long after the post blew up, OP jumped on with an update.

I’d like to start this off addressing the comments stating I’m ‘kidnapping’ my daughter. I’m taking her with me to visit my family back home in France for a few weeks. Her father has given his consent. It is a non issue. There was also confusion about my job, I work in the psychology field and I was just using this post as a sounding board really.

The responses from his friends and mother made me question myself. As stated, I informed Liv's father of what happened. He was furious both with Alex and Liv. He apologized to me and said he will try to get the truth from her and that she rebels any chance she gets but this was disgusting.

I then looked through the camera in my daughter’s nursery and I saw a clip of Liv asking if she wanted a sister or brother from ‘miss Livy’ and daddy. That made me feel sick to my stomach. She responded to her dismissal with denials but I told her I had the footage and that she was to never lay a hand on my baby again. But if she wanted Alex so bad she could have him.

I reminded her that how you get them is how you lose them and he would soon tire of a 20 something college drop out kid. Alex returned to the house temporarily for us to talk. After me showing him the camera footage and texts from Liv he broke down and said he was really sorry.

He admitted that whilst nothing had physically happened between them they had been exchanging photos and messages for a month or two. He showed me the original messages and it was her who had pursued him. She started by saying she felt like a school girl around him (🤮) and said she needed advice from a important man like him and sent a photo of her in lingerie asking if it was sexy.

He started out not really responding but after a few texts he responded and it started from there. She was saying things about them being a happy family together but he never responded to those texts. He begged me to forgive him and start fresh. He said we can move and that we have plenty of money. He will do whatever I want.

I told him what I want is to go home for a few weeks so that what I’m doing. Cassie and I are flying tomorrow. He honestly looks so pathetic right now. They are welcome to each other. There will be no wedding and I will be consulting with a custody lawyer once I get to France to see my options both in the US and internationally.

But as someone in the comments said I stayed in the US not because I think it’s a good place to live but because that’s where Alex was based and wanted to build our family. However I will always support the daughter father relationship but he cannot have our daughter and his nanny. Now that’s not happening I would like to move home and most certainly away from the sl*tty nanny.

I am NOT LOOKING FOR CUSTODY ADVICE. Mini update from Liv father: he has found and sent me some of the deleted messages. Liv talks about wanting me ‘out of the picture’ so she can be Cassie's mom. Wtf.

Redditors had a lot to say about this update:

candacebernhard wrote:

She really was 100% delusional, OP. And, Alex fed into it.. Do you trust his judgment for the kind of people he would bring around your child? Especially once he starts dating again? Are you sure your daughter will remain his priority while she is solely in his care?

I know it is never ideal, but please don't completely dismiss you having full custody. If moving back home to France is what's best for you and her, he can travel & bend his life to accommodate hers. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

OP responded:

Thank you. Yes that is a worry I have. I will probably go to France but I will try to sort things out for him to still see her.

Specialist-Raise-949 wrote:

Many people are foolish. Don't listen to them. What kind of father would he be for your daughter if you had equal custody? He obviously cannot be trusted and that is the worst kind of father for a girl or a boy to have. Case in point is his behaviour with a 20 year old nanny.

He didn't shut her delusional behaviour down and he allowed her to send him nude photos and to have this young, deranged woman state she wanted you out of the way, without calling her out or cutting their relationship off. Seek legal advice in France.

I would hope that there, those circumstances should make it fairly easy for you to get full custody, as long as you allow some kind of every two weeks visitation for him, which he likely wouldn't use anyway. Best of luck!

OP responded:

I will still support him to have a relationship with our daughter. But he’s not a priority anymore.

mockingbird82 wrote:

As if the affair itself was not bad enough, he was doing nothing do discourage the "sl*tty nanny's" delusion about having a happy family with Alex and Cassie. Gosh, was she going to turn into a bunny boiler and go after OP, too? How could Alex not see that he was entertaining the advances of a psycho?

I think you are making the safest and wisest choice to pursue full custody. He has not demonstrated that he can make sound decisions for his family. Please share your evidence of the nanny's delusions and Alex's entertaining of it with your custody attorney.

OP responded:

Thank you. That’s what I mean. He cannot have the nanny and our daughter. She is my priority and will be safer with my family.

1ofdwights70cousins wrote:

Lmao yeah, she was asking your child if it was cool if she got pregnant but she’s never slept with your fiancé. He is SUCH a coward. Still denying. Has proven himself to be a terrible candidate for reconciliation.

Good on you for seeing them both as they are and for leaving him for you and your child’s sake. A lot of women would wait around until it happened again and again and again. Except he would just get better at hiding it.

OP responded:

Thank you. I won’t allow my daughter to think that’s a normal relationship.

A week later, OP jumped on with another major update:

Hi guys. Thanks so much to all of you putting support and advice under my two posts. There are also some very obvious insecure incels in the comments claiming I’m kidnapping my daughter 😭 You’re giving my sister and I some great laughs. Anyway for the update Cassie and I have been in France for two days now. It’s been so wonderful to be back with my family after missing them for so long.

They’ve been doting on Cassie especially my mother and father, who even though are divorced remain very amicable for the sake of my sisters and I. Mama had a whole room set up with toys and blankets for Cassie. I’ve also been loving the wine and cheese! And gossiping with my sisters. It’s been very good to let loose after all of the stress honestly.

And I’ve gotten to ride my family’s horse, and show him to Cassie finally! Someone suggested I meet up with some old friends to go out and let loose so that’s exactly what I did last night. I had a great night meeting back up with some of my old university friends, we went out into the city, had some great food and wine and went dancing.

There’s this one guy from our group who used to very flirty with me back in the day. Anyways one thing or another happened and we ended up going back to his place. It was good actually he listened to what I wanted and we were both very pleased at the end ;) Cassie's happy as am I. I meeting a lawyer today and my Ex has been ringing.

I let him talk to Cassie whenever he wants but I’m refusing to engage whilst I’m on my break.

Edit: People need to calm down. I didn’t say I’d had sex with him 🙄. Since people seem to want details; we went back to his, talked about life and had a make out session. Although it doesn’t matter as I had kicked me ex to the curb already. Also Liv contacted me out of anger when Alex cut all contact with her to show that they had a one night stand a few weeks before I found out.

This update inspired a whole new batch of responses:

CjordanW1 wrote:

Does your ex know that you know they slept together now? I am so proud of you and I wish more women were like you! If I was you I would have been posting pics of my great night out. F**k your ex and that POS nanny knockoff.

OP respondeD:

Oh I think he does. I believe Liv's dad had a ‘conversation’ with him.

lechitahamandcheese wrote:

Is there a way for you to just stay in France, as in live there?

OP responded:

Hopefully once all the paperwork is done. I’ve promised to return to the US so I will.

Ninja-Pamda86 wrote:

Thank you for the update. And. WOW. He had a one-night stand with this girl? Well that just goes to show his family that they were NOT "harmless texts". They were tempting texts; and he gave in; and he does NOT deserve a second chance "just because." And no.

You do NOT owe anybody ANY explanations about whether you're banging someone else or not. Alex already left the relationship. He ended it when he chose a 20 year old girl. You have NO responsibility to him. As for the kidnapping bit? Not sure where people get off saying that? You two weren't married right?

OP responded:

Thank you. No we weren’t, and I don’t intend and keeping our daughter from him but he will have to put in some hard work for her custody now.

Arrow4131 wrote:

I’m very glad that you and Cassie are doing much better. You deserve to live a stress free life. No POS fiancés and nanny’s allowed. How did he react to you dumping him? Have you heard anything new about Liv from her dad? That girl needs a reality check.

OP responded:

He’s delusional 🙄 Wanted to drive me to the airport. Didn’t get the message until I gave him the ring back. Liv's dad has been great, I feel bad for him.

Six months later, OP jumped on with yet another major update:

A lot of you still comment on my old posts asking for an update so I thought I’d let you guys know what’s happened in the past few months as I’m sure it’ll anger the men in the comments again. So after going to France to visit my parents immediately after what happened 6 months ago I agreed with my family that I needed to come home to France with my daughter.

My family said they would provide any help I needed with moving and lawyers and my father said a prayer we never had the wedding as there was no divorce to have to go through. When I returned to the US I informed my ex fiancé that there would be no compromise or discussion on my next steps. Cassie and I were returning to France so I would have my support system closer and I wouldn’t feel so isolated.

I told him I’d never try to stop his relationship with Cassie and that he would be welcome to visit her in France depending on where he decided to live and that I would happily bring her back to the states for visits periodically. However I wouldn’t compromise with Liv. If I found out she had been near my daughter I would stop all contact between him and Cassie.

I felt like after what he had put me through and how he had disrespected me I was quite gracious with my offers. We managed to sort the move out in the next 2 months and signed an agreement which stated I was the primary custodian of our daughter and I made most decisions regarding her, it set out specific times Alex would be able to see or have Cassie.

He basically agreed to all of this because he thought once I had left the US I would become more sympathetic and let him back in once we were in France. I didn’t bother to correct him frankly because it benefited myself. I found a really nice apartment a street over from my parents so I moved in there once my parents and sister had helped me get it decorated before I came to France.

We’ve been here for just over four months now and Cassie is settling in great. She goes to a daycare with my friend’s son and has made great connection here with other kids. I’d forgotten how much more social the side of having kids was in Europe compared to the US.

Once I was added to the parents group chat the other mothers had immediately suggested welcome drinks to get to know me better and I’ve made some amazing friends with other mums and dads. I didn’t have any of this in the US. It’s really helped Cassie’s language skills as her French is developing much better than when it was just me speaking it to her.

I’ve put her in baby ballet like my parents did with me and she’s loving it. We’ve gotten a rescue cat called Walter and Cassie adores him. He sleeps at the end of her bed and looks after her all the time. Alex has been over twice since even though I had given him plenty more chances to see Cassie however he didn’t take me up on them.

(For context there is no issue with money or his passport to excuse why he won’t fly). We spent Christmas with my parents and my sister and her partner and it was just a lovely celebration after the s#$t that happened. I’ve started seeing one of the doctors from the new hospital I work in now. It’s still relatively new so she’s met Cassie only briefly.

She works in the emergency department and she’s honestly amazing. I did jokingly say Alex had put me off men but didn’t mean to take it so literally (bisexual woman shocking I know!). It’s going slow as she knows what I’ve just come out of but she’s very laid back and a go with the flow type of person which is exactly what I needed.

Alex’s mother is not happy as she is of the opinion I should have just ignored what happened between Alex and Liv. However I’m not just a little American housewife who will ignore her husbands indiscretions. Thank you all for your advice and support in my initial posts.

Edit for all the Americans getting annoyed at the phrase ‘little American housewife’ - not my words, I was quite literally quoting Alex’s mother and what she said to me. She is an American.

‘She said when I was in her family I was expected to ‘act like a normal American housewife and forgive my husband like her and her daughter do, none of that European nonsense.' It’s really funny to see the men in the comments proving that there is still a double standard.

I don’t know why I as the mother am expected to stay in a country that doesn’t speak my first language, where I don’t have any family, little friends, no support, have to deal with Alex’s family all for his sake so he doesn’t have to make an extra effort to see his daughter when he was the one who decided to break the family in the first place! Also Americans I’m sorry I’m not insulting you lol.

It sounds like OP has found exactly what she needed - which is to restart her life far away from Alex.

Sources: Reddit
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