Woman tells friend she's not 'grateful enough' as a SAHM. Friends call her AH. AITA?

Telling someone how they should feel is never going to go over well. Especially if you think you're teaching them something about their own life.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her friend she's not grateful enough to be a stay-at-home mom. She wrote:

"AITA for telling my friend she is ungrateful about being a stay-at-home mom?"

The other day, I went to lunch with 4 mom friends of mine. I'm a SAHM and so is one of the other moms. Of the other three, one works part-time and the other two full-time. One of the moms that works full-time mentioned how they had started to pay for a cleaner to come in every other week. They both work full-time and have two kids and were finding they couldn't keep up with all the chores.

The other SAHM was agreeing with her about finding it difficult to keep the house clean when her husband does only a few chores inside the house. She told us her husband's main jobs are cooking dinner, cleaning the bathrooms, and looking after the yard. In my opinion, that's a more than fair distribution of chores considering her husband works full-time. They have one child (10F) and no pets.

I mentioned to her that it actually sounded pretty fair and that my husband has zero cleaning chores and mostly only cooks on the weekends if he wants. I told her as he works full-time to provide for our family, I consider it my job to do the majority of the household chores.

This isn't gender-related in my opinion, if we both worked I would agree about splitting chores equally or if I worked and he didn't I would be expecting him to do the majority of the housework. I have five children, the youngest two aren't in school and I'm a carer for my husband's grandmother yet still it's easy to set aside a couple hours a day for household chores.

She strongly disagreed with me and she thinks her husband should be doing more and told me couples should split housework equally. I told her that I think she's being ungrateful to her husband who allows her to be a SAHM even now their child is older. I asked her what she does all day if she expects him to do half the chores and that she just wants an excuse to be lazy.

In the end, lunch was ruined, she called me anti-feminist and an AH. Two of our friends took her side telling me off for judging her(?). Was I the AH here? I feel like I was pointing out the obvious.

The internet didn't hold back at all.

Individual_Ad_9213 wrote:

"Two of our friends took her side telling me off for judging her(?)." You were judging her. Both of you SAHMs have individual arrangements with your husbands that -- more or less -- work for each of you. Yours seems to mesh quite nicely with your personal values about how work should be split up between you and your husband.

But rather than accepting that hers is different and that she may it change more, you compared yourself to her and conveyed your own moral superiority by calling her ungrateful, YTA.

Spare-Valuable8031 wrote:

YTA. You absolutely are judging her. You're doing it right here in your post. I have been a SAHM and a working mom and I will always choose to be the working mom because staying home to raise kids is not for me. Our experiences are not the same because we are not the same and it's really unfair to judge another person based on your experiences. You guys sound like really sh#$ty friends.

DagnabbitRabit wrote:

NTA. You called her out and she didn't like that. What else are people supposed to think when she doesn't even have her kid at home for half the day? What exactly is she doing that requires her to need her husband to do more chores around the house while he's supporting the family by providing a roof, food, and other essentials? You're not "anti-feminist" and you're not TA.

Substantial-Roll-860 wrote:

NTA. Feminism is no excuse to not carry your weight in your home. I'm a woman and I'd be damned if I'd work all day, to come home to cook dinner and clean bathrooms.

nennjau wrote:

YTA. This is the equivalent of someone in Oregon saying 'it sure is cold today', and someone from Montana replying 'YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT COLD IS'. BTW, what the hell is with the 'he allows her to be a SAHM'? What kind of backwards religious cult were you raised in?

While the internet is somewhat split, it appears many of them agree that OP is TA.