'AITA for telling husband I’d lose respect for him if he stops working?'

Figuring out the finances in a long-term relationship is an ongoing negotiation. Given how stressful these negotiations can be, it's no wonder money is one of the top reasons people get divorced. But even when it's painful, honesty is the best policy if you want to work through money woes.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for telling her husband she'd lose respect if he stopped working.

She wrote:

AITA for telling husband I’d lose respect for him if he stopped working even though I could afford it?

I (30F) have been with my husband (36M) for like 10 years. When we met we both had crappy jobs and always agreed it would be 50/50 struggling together. Well as of the last few years particularly, this last year my career took off and my pay skyrocketed, and this will be my first year making six figures.

It's really cool and I've offered to take on a lot more finances like more of the bills and paying for trips and fun things, but recently my husband made a comment about how soon he won't have to work at his job.

Our kids are school age so there is no need for a full-time parent and I NEVER agreed to that. So I very firmly said 'Um, I never dreamed of financially providing for a grown man...if you stop working, I will lose respect for you.' It got very silent and I asked if he understood and we were on the same page and he said yes.

I know my husband's dream is to just do his art (he has always done this on the side while working but has never made money) and he has always dreamt of a way to make that full-time, letting him quit working while I pay for everything feels like leeching.

At the same time that doesn’t sound supportive at all of me. Was I off? How do couples in these situations handle it? I mean yes I could technically sustain us on my own but I feel like me improving my situation is no excuse for him to step back in his.

I'd even be okay with him going part time but tbh I would expect a LOT more to be done around the house, but that also makes me feel like some patriarch from the 50s even though I’m a woman. AITA for telling my husband I'd lose respect for him if he stopped working even if I can technically afford it?

People weighed in with their thoughts on OP's conversation with her husband.

monsteramoons wrote:

NTA. He didn't discuss it with you, he just started saying how much he was looking forward to not working anymore. Like it was a done deal.

These are things that need to be discussed and agreed on. And you are well within your rights to say you don't want to be the sole breadwinner, even if you make enough to do so. That would be a deal breaker for a lot of folks.

hellolittlebears wrote:

NTA but this is the kind of decision that couples have to come to together. You don’t get to unilaterally decide “I’m going to contribute in XYZ way while you do ABC” - you discuss it and agree to it.

Would you agree to being the breadwinner while he pursues his art if he took over 90% of the household responsibilities, for example? Lots of couples do this, where one is focused on their career and the other dedicates themselves to supporting them and making that career possible.

Usually it’s the woman being the supportive one but it doesn’t have to be. Or is it more of the principle of “I work so you should too?” Or “you’re the man, you should be earning as much as I do”? Lots to unpack here. But the most important thing is that you need to agree on your vision of life and your future together.

SatelliteBeach123 wrote:

NTA. Probably not a popular vote but I'm with you. It's not even a matter of respect as much as WTF? There is NO way I would continue to go to work while a grown man who is in his prime with just decides he can stay at home and do artwork.

Nope. Now is the time to be earning and saving. You are both very young. Something could happen to you or your job tomorrow and then where would you be? Your husband would have been out of the job market and now there is no income.

Mynee2003 wrote:

NTA. It is kind of weird how once you ended up making six figures he automatically says that he won't need a job anymore, sure he might want to do his art but you can still do both.

You should not have to financially provide for both of you just because you are starting to make more money.

It looks like OP isn't alone in her reaction to her husband's proposition, hopefully they can come to some sort of agreement.